Standardized Testing: The Musical

By Audra Foster

If you thought the SATs were bad the first time, imagine having to relive them, this time accompanied by song and dance. I have a healthy respect for student productions because I know the sweat and tears that go into them, but even leaving wiggle room for inexperienced actors and directors, Standardized Testing: The Musical failed to impress me. Part of it was the concept. The SATs weren’t any fun the first time around, so why do we have to go through it again—but this time with the added drama of a classroom of high school students who were apparently only thrown together because their last names fall between ‘S’ and ‘Z,’ except that four of them are dating other people in the room and they all seem to know intimate details about each other.

The characters are original in the sense that someone was trying to cover as wide a range of high school stereotypes as possible: Alberto, the geeky gamer; Danny, the only male cheerleader; Sydney, the perfect student; her ADHD boyfriend, Tyler; Annie, the wannabe independent woman; her skuzzy boyfriend, Darryl; Claire, the hyper-awkward busybody; Estella, the school whore; and Mr. Richards, the poor sap they stuck in the room to proctor the exam. They’re realistic enough that I quickly realized I’d never want to be stuck in a room with them for more than a few minutes, let alone the five hours required to take the SAT.

The plot dragged, because all the characters could do was whine about their lives or about each other. Relations between the characters were hard to understand unless explicitly defined, and only became more complicated as the test passed. I don’t know about everyone else, but when I had to take the SATs, I left the drama at the door. How can anyone focus when Claire is cheating off Estella, who sleeps around but just wants to make a real friend? Or when Annie and Darryl break up for the last time because she can’t find her Cosmo to show him the newest sex move she wanted to try out? OR when Danny asks every available girl to prom just to prove that he’s not gay? The cheesy dialogue and cliché situations were more exhausting than having to sit there and fill in bubble after bubble after bubble.

There were a few lines that got chuckles from the audience, but only one that was rip-roaringly, side-slappingly funny (or at least I thought so):

Mr. Richards: (singing) As I can attest, girls aren’t always your besties, so when it’s chicks before dicks, you’re gonna get kicked in your standardized testes.

Each song was a kind of ‘inner’ monologue of what each character was thinking as they filled in their little bubbles. Some songs were clever—Tyler’s song about how he keeps getting lost in “La la la la la la LA land” was quite funny, especially when coupled with random staring off into space or walking halfway across the stage, just like people with attention deficit disorder are quite prone to doing—but some were boring, just about trying to get into college or how “Long-Term Relationships Make Me Sick.” Vocal talent ranged all over the board, from some truly impressive singers to a few who maybe needed a few more practice sessions before going onstage. The acting itself wasn’t bad, but I’m more inclined to sympathize than criticize. The whole production felt rather like a steak that hadn’t quite been cooked all the way through: lukewarm rather than well done.