Twenty years ago today, on April 1^st, 2041, Gettysburg College signed itself away to the Apple Corporation, sparking a movement among hundreds of colleges across the nation to do the same. Apple, which has held the lead in the technological education, arms, and merchandise races for well over 60 years, had deemed the step “necessary for the future of America.” Gettysburg College, ever the forerunner for social and political change, was the first to join Apple’s mission to cultivate the minds and bodies of America’s future leaders.

Here at the Forum, which has enjoyed unlimited success since Gettysburg College ‘went chrome’ and committed to a technophilic way of life, we’re celebrating the 20^th year of Apple’s leadership by emphasizing how much Gettysburg College has improved thanks to the guidance and support of Apple. We’re taking this day, jokingly known as APPLE Day (Apple Ploys People with Lots of Excellence) due to the fact that Gettysburg College students typically receive the latest models of Apple products, to appreciate how much the quality of life has improved in the world thanks to Apple.

And, as is wont to happen with such retrospective speculation, we’re taking this day to reflect on the past and marvel at the events that have lead us to this future.

It does make you wonder, what it must have been like for students thirty, forty, even fifty years ago, before campus was Mac-centric, before we had the statue of Steve Jobs stationed between Masters and Plank—I mean, they still had newspapers—printed ones—on paper—what the fuck?

Granted, this was a world dependent on the mass production of tree-pulp and refined petroleum to keep their society afloat. The thought of wasting so many innocent resources—such destruction is nigh-incomprehensible today.

So let this 20^th APPLE Day be one of joyous nostalgia, Gettysburg College, and remember—An Apple™ a Day Keeps the Problems at Bay!

Egypt, as anyone who keeps up with the world knows, has recently undergone some extreme political upheaval, starting with peaceful protests that quickly escalated to violent riots, and ending in the resignation of its President. We in America watched on YouTube as protesters went from demonstrations in Tahrir Square to looting museums, as Egypt attempted to contain the revolution by cutting off communication one aspect at a time. We listened to Mubarak’s initial refusal to step down and weren’t too surprised when he finally did. We have sat in our safe houses and couches and viewed Egypt’s transition from an autocratic government to a temporary military rule.

But there were Gettysburg College students there in Egypt as these events were unfolding, and I was lucky enough to score an interview with one of them. Tom Skaggs, of the class of 2012, was studying abroad at the American University in Cairo until he was prematurely pulled back due to the rising dangers of living in a country on the eve of revolution. These are his words, transcribed as accurately as possible, about his all-too-brief time in Egypt.

So tell me a bit about why you decided to go to Egypt in the first place.
Egypt just stuck out as really cool place, a sort of combo between Africa and Middle East.

How long were you actually there? What did you think of it for the time you were there?
I got in, had orientation, and then left. Friday the 28^th—the “Day of Rage in Egypt” as it was known on the television.Their campus puts Gettysburg College to shame. It really does. It had tons of fountains.

View from Tom's dorm window of the 'burbs of New Cairo.

Where were you in comparison to Tahrir Square?
Campus was far enough from Tahrir Square—which is known ”freedom square,” and is very symbolic to the Egyptians—but the police had set up a perimeter around it, keeping the protesters away.

Were there any Egyptian students at the university? Did you know anyone involved?
I knew two Danish guys who went down there Friday and watched, someone else from the school got shot with rubber bullets—which are not like American rubber bullets. These had a rubber center and were coated with steel.

Where were you when the first major protests erupted?
The one on Friday, the big one, I was on campus in New Cairo, 20-30 minutes from downtown, where the riots started. One of the students told me about it the day before, that through Facebook a group was formed—the plan was apparently to have everyone demonstrate after the noon prayer. We could see how crowded it was headed towards downtown. Then we lost SMS, Facebook, twitter, and all internet access, we figured cellular service would be next. I had no idea they could just shut down the internet. The military took over a cell service, sent out texts to everyone saying things like, “Protect your property, don’t let anyone steal from you.”

Anxious students gathered around the TV on the night of January 28th, the 'Day of Rage in Egypt.'

What was your reaction as it happened?
There was excitement, almost, we wanted there to be a revolution and for Mubarak to step down. The closest thing I’ve experienced is September 11, you’re almost in awe as this is going down, we basically—all of us stood in front of the television for about 12 hours, from midday to about one am, just watching the events take place.

Did you have any dangerous encounters?
No, not near us, rumors about what was going on. We were pretty removed, but there were rumors of protesters in the nearby shopping districts. We were strongly encouraged by our RAs to stay on campus, and there were security guards provided by the school, but there was no one from the school to tell us what to do except by landline contact. All information was from people talking to people, landline telephones, and cable.

When did you start thinking you’d have to go home?
After Friday’s riot they started instituting curfews—6pm the first night, and so on, and after about two days I figured I’d be going home. The college had decided to start the semester at some point, but the American Embassy wanted most Americans to leave—they were pretty adamant about that, ‘strongly advised’ it, but even the Embassy never said we had to leave.

Tom said, “I was freaked out on the bus, watching the tanks in the window—if they saw me taking pictures—”

How did you get out of Egypt? Did you have a difficult time evacuating?
The school got a bus for us, we drove to the airport through pretty bad traffic because there were tanks and armored personnel carriers everywhere on the expressway. The farther out from town we got, the stronger the military presence was. We went through four military checkpoints where they slowed it down and looked at the cars, and then there were tons police and military at the airport. America had its own hall, told to bring food and water for three days—we were told it would take that long to leave, and at least 12 hours to get a flight, but we were out of there really quickly, after only two days. The people from the state department handed you a blank ticket, a promissory loan, some paperwork, then it was like you get on the plane and you’re gone.

What was the first thing you did when you got out of the country?
I got out of the gate in Istanbul and had to get a Turkish visa, then I grabbed a cheap hotel room with a friend. But cell phones still didn’t work in Istanbul, so first we went to an internet café and contacted our families.

Do you wish you could have stayed in Egypt?
I wish I could have been down there for more of the protests, I really would have liked to have seen some of the events. I do wish I could be there a full semester, but most of the abroad students left except for a few graduate students—including one from Gettysburg…I haven’t heard from him since.

Oh my!
[laughs] Only because I don’t have him friended on Facebook.

Do you have plans to try and study abroad again? What are your plans for this semester?
This semester I’m trying to make like my fall of senior year, and hopefully go back to the American University in Cairo  next year. And I’m skipping all of the orientation stuff, just jumping right back into it. It is a fascinating place, and I was learning so much. I can’t wait to go back.

Tom’s time in Egypt provides us with a firsthand point of view that few others ever have the chance to experience. I’m grateful he took the time to answer my questions and provide some of the pictures he took while he was there.

If you want to read about the events happening in Egypt while Tom was there, check out this article:
Protests and Tomb Robbers: Egypt Deals with National Turmoil

We at the Forum have decided that teachers have had enough fun torturing us with questions, pop quizzes, ridiculously difficult final exams, and generally expecting us to, you know, learn stuff. So we’ve decided to strike back, one student at a time, and win prizes at the same time! We have devised the Bingo board  below for you to print out and play in class. If you get Bingo, you win a free shark! If you get caught, we’re going to deny everything and sell you out to the highest authority we can. Enjoy the low-level mayhem this is sure to cause. And hey, for all we know, the professors have their own version of student-torture-bingo. Only when they get five in a row? They get tenured, and we are the ones who suffer.

This year, as part of Allies Week, comedian Heather Gold came to Gettysburg College and performed for a group of students who didn’t seem to know quite what to expect from the self-proclaimed “love child of Sarah Silverman and Rachel Maddow.” Equal parts raunchy, serious, awkward, and inspirational, her routine opened doors for the LGBTQQ community here on campus and opened the eyes of everyone less aware. It was more than just cracking jokes, mocking politicians, and making fun of people in the audience—although there was plenty of that too—it was an introduction to the life of Heather Gold, an extraordinary person.

She started by telling us about herself: what it was like growing up a Jew in Niagara Falls (which was a town built for a weekend’s stay, not nineteen years of life), going to Yale (which only had, like, one gay bar and it was scary) and then law school (she only went so she wouldn’t get kicked out of the country); her first kiss with a boy and her first kiss with a girl; her struggle to get pregnant and her recent divorce; her totally embarrassing crush on Sarah Palin. I could go on—she talked for three hours, although only a few (myself included) stayed the whole time.

Heather Gold saw the problem with Gettysburg College students after only a few slightly uncomfortable chuckles at some of her funniest, most queer material—we’re all, apparently, repressed, and need to get laid as soon as possible. She had gotten a chance to meet some of the members of Allies before the show, and they must have told her how difficult it was to be openly gay/bisexual on this campus (although it is surely true in many other places as well), particularly when it comes to meeting people, because by the end of the night (after nearly two hours of comedy, stories, and general chitchat) she was openly advocating for everyone to explore their queer side. She went around and asked everyone if they had ever been attracted to a member of the opposite sex, and, if so, would they consider a more serious relationship.

Only she asked it in a much more blunt and to-the-point sort of way. Which may sound terrifying to some, but I found it incredibly liberating. So many people tiptoe around the issue of sexuality—it’s refreshing to meet someone who is willing to step right up to the plate and be direct about it. And she listened to everyone’s answers, and she accepted all of them, and she understood—not without a fair amount of innuendo and jocularity, which lightened what could have been a very tense atmosphere otherwise.

I think, for at least those fifteen or so people who stayed three hours to talk to Heather Gold—not even listen to or laugh at, but engage in authentic conversation with—her direct approach, her humor, and her interest in every individual was a welcome reprieve from an otherwise generally repressive atmosphere. The Safe Zones for the LGBTQQ community around campus are wonderful, there’s no denying that—but the fact that they have to exist at all is unfortunately not complimentary towards the attitude of the average Gettysburg College student. Heather Gold is someone who deserves the chance to speak to more than just an audience of people seeking acceptance: she needs to speak to those who deny it, because if anyone can raise awareness and support for the  LGBTQQ (which stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, and Questioning, in case you didn’t know) among us, she can. Her confidence in her sexuality and her own willingness to confront sexuality in others spread a little to everyone who saw her speak last Thursday: now it’s our job to pass it on a little further.

For more information about Heather Gold and the work she does advocating LGBTQQ rights, along with other fun stuff visit her website, http://heathergold.com, or look her up on Facebook.

A ballet may not seem like the most appropriate setting for a psychological thriller, but in the tenuous reality of Black Swan, it is the perfect breeding ground for dangerous obsession, throbbing sexual tension, and layers upon layers of hidden psychosis.

Everything starts with the naïve Nina Sayers, played by the incomparable Natalie Portman, as she auditions for and receives the role of Odette/Odile in her ballet company’s upcoming performance of Swan Lake. Traditionally, the parts of the Swan Queen (Odette) and the Black Queen/Swan (Odile) are danced by the same ballerina. Tchaikovsky’s original ballet has been adapted several times–Black Swan included. The story revolves around the princess Odette, who falls in love with a handsome prince only to be placed under a curse by a jealous sorcerer which turns her into a swan every day, leaving her human at night. Naturally, only true love can break the curse, but before Odette can reconcile with her Prince, her black counterpart, Odile, appears and seduces the Prince into admitting his love for her instead of Odette. The ending varies–but let’s just say it’s tragic more often than not.

The stakes are high for this particular role, the pressure intense–for Nina, it comes from all sides: the sudden attention of the company’s premier director, Thomas Leroy (Vincent Cassel), her mother’s (Beth Macintyre) near-constant domineering presence, and the debatable rival of Lily (Mila Kunis), a transfer from San Francisco whose resemblance to and apparent interest in Nina is startling. As Nina struggles to maintain both the innocent veneer of the white Swan Queen and the seductive passion of the black Swan, her own mind turns against her, transforming her reality into one fit only for nightmares.

Portman’s performance is stunning–rumor has it she lost 20 pounds and trained for a year before taking on the role, so you’d better believe that’s her as much as it can be–and her dedication even more so considering she sustained several injuries during shooting due to the severity of the choreography. What’s astounding is how easy it is to fall into Nina’s reality, which is reinforced by the generally phrenetic cinematography and very specific but truly incredible use of mirrors in a wide variety of  difficult shots.

Devastatingly beautiful and dark, Black Swan will pin you to your seat, unable to look away even for an instant; it is unutterably all-encompassing.

(Or, Every Movie I Saw  in Theaters This Summer in Fifty Words Exactly.)

Iron Man 2

Robert Downey Jr. reprises his role as crack-addled detective—no, a white-man-turned-black—no, a heroin addict—no—does it matter? He brings the same dysfunctional genius he always brings to his role as iron-clad hero Tony Stark, and it makes up for the sequel’s otherwise lackluster plot and character development.

Despicable Me

Equal parts adorable and deplorable, this movie combined Steve Carrel’s usual comedic awkwardness with a girlish cuteness so far only rivaled by Disney’s Monsters Inc. Despite having a plot shot full of holes and relatively poor dialogue, the familial love that pervades the entire movie really does warm the heart.

Grown Ups

One day, Adam Sandler, David Spade, Chris Rock, Kevin James, and Rob Schneider were playing  a game of one-upmanship (in which one person is ragged on until someone comes up with a joke no one else can top, and then it’s their turn), and they accidentally caught it on camera.

Toy Story 3

The story of every kid who ever went to college and left their toys behind. It completes the trilogy so beautifully, carrying with it the same love that sustained the first one, ten long years ago: the love that exists in the imagination of a child, to infinity and beyond.

The Karate Kid

Jaden Smith’s modern-day attitude, plus a surprisingly serious Jackie Chan, plus incredible fight choreography, PLUS a time that isn’t the eighties, when fashion was bad and onscreen fights even worse, equals a Karate Kid for kids of this century—but they’re mistaken if they think this is the real thing.

Inception
(Since I saw it twice in theaters, it gets double the words.)

This was a mindfuck of a movie, spawning comments such as ‘Dude you just INCEPTED me!’ and ‘No, CHRISTOPHER NOLAN incepted THE WORLD!’ because people cannot stop talking about it. Christopher Nolan has once again conned his audience into actually thinking about the movie. You can’t not, even if you’re only trying to figure out what exactly happened. And in thinking so much about it, it forces you to think about your own way of thinking, which quickly devolves into an obsessive compulsion, forcing you to question your own reality—is what I’m thinking really real?—and  that is Inception.

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World
(An epic of epic epicness.)

It was chock full of geeky references, quick-witted humor, and starred Michael Cera, the ultimate nerd-turned-actor. What more could I ever ask for? But as a fully declared and aware fan of video games, comic books, and to some extent, punk rock, I admit I may be a touch biased.

*

See a movie I didn’t? Completely agree with everything I’ve ever said? Think I’m full of shit and disagree on every point? Feel free to leave a comment and tell me exactly what you think!

Despite the pseudo-sexual undertones in the title, How to Train Your Dragon was perfectly kid-friendly, with enough spice to appeal to an older crowd (although I admit I may have been the oldest in the theater, not counting harried parents). It was also, in my eyes, a perfect movie. I could have watched it again immediately after I saw it the first time, and I could have watched it again after that. I could watch it right now, today, and tomorrow, and the day after.

How to Train Your Dragon has two species in it: Vikings with thick vaguely-Scottish accents, missing limbs, and greasy hair, or with clear eyes and clean skin and leather jerkins, or with bones through their beards and spears in their hands; and dragons. Cute dragons, scary dragons, awesome dragons, wimpy dragons, REALLY REALLY BIG DRAGONS, really really small dragons, clever dragons, two-headed dragons, fire-breathing dragons, flatulent dragons, toothless dragons (namely the main dragon, Toothless, who befriends the main Viking, Hiccup) pink-green-black-purple-orange-red-blue-yellow dragons. Oh, and there were sheep.

Toothless, Hiccup’s dragon companion, can disappear and reappear when he wants to, has retractable teeth, a smooth black body, and moves with lithe and sinuous decisiveness. He also eats mostly fish. He’s like a large stray cat that could accidentally eat you. And who finds this stray dragon and takes him home? Hiccup (voiced by Jay Baruchel), the Viking version of a village idiot. He’s small and scrawny, with freckles and gray eyes and neatly kempt hair. Naturally, he’s picked on by all the other big and burly leather-wearing Vikings. Naturally, he’s smarter than all of them, with an inventive streak centuries ahead of its time.

Other notable characters include Hiccup’s father, Stoick (Gerard Butler), who is actually the chieftain of the village and has always been disappointed by his son’s lack of Viking strength, and Gobber, the one-legged blacksmith of the village who took Hiccup under his stump and saw that what he lacks in strength, he makes up in spirit. Of course, where would the movie be without it’s cute girl Viking counterpart? Astrid (America Ferrera) proves that killing dragons isn’t just a man’s game, and kills the Viking boys’ hearts at the same time.

For at last I have arrived at describing the point of the story: Vikings vs. Dragons. It’s not an athletic competition, it’s a deadly war that has been going on as far back as Vikings and dragons can remember. Dragonkind has been raiding Viking villages for sheep, virgins, and to cause general mayhem, while all Vikingkind can do is kill the dragons and protect themselves as best they can—until Hiccup met Toothless, and learned that dragons are not just mindless eating and ravaging machines. They can be taught, and trained, and even befriended.

The movie’s moral message is basically that: accept those who are different, because you never know what they can do for you, and more importantly, what you can do together. But if you think this movie is as simple and predictable as that, you are underestimating DreamWorks. Didn’t they bring us Shrek? Or, if you’re remember how many flops DreamWorks has also had, have faith in the directing team of Chris Sanders and Dean DeBlois, who also co-directed Disney’s Lilo and Stitch. And, if you’re very hard to please, they consulted heavily with cinematographer Roger Deakins, who has worked on many of the Coen brothers’ movies, and who is mostly likely the one to thank for the amazing quality of the animation.

It was both realistic and cartoonish, with anatomically sensible human bodies, if not exactly proportionate. The landscapes were breathtaking, and the details incredible—but not overwhelming. And as someone who grew up mostly without 3D movies, let me just say, they are a GREAT invention. The 3D quality added an entirely new dimension of enjoyment to the movie—I really did feel like I was actually there with the Vikings! I felt like I could reach out and pet a dragon! And oh, how I wanted to. The dragons were lovably sweet and round looking at times, spiky and intimidating at others, and overall so original. I’ve never seen dragons quite like that—there was a lot of thought put into the origin, design, and abilities of each dragon. If you stay and watch the credits, which I did, there are pictures and brief descriptions of all the dragons mentioned in the movie—plus more.

If you’re really just interested in this story, (which I certainly am), it was based on Cressida Cowell’s 2003 children’s book, How to Train Your Dragon, which was only changed slightly for the film version, to make it more suitable for an older audience. I imagine that’s what I’ll be spending my summer doing—since I cannot actually fly with dragons, I’ll just have to pretend.

The history of Suffrage—how women got the Vote, and Equal Rights, etc—is one that has of late been on my mind. I mean, women are American, so naturally we have to keep seeking the next horizon, the next obstacle in our path to world domination total equality with men. The environment is the next frontier. We conquered the government when we said we wanted to Vote, we conquered the transportation system when we said we didn’t want to stand up, we conquered family life when we started insisting on using birth control, and now we’re going to conquer the very earth itself through Ecofeminism! But really, I use ‘conquer’ only in a metaphorical sense.

Truthfully, I am also tired of being the one to clean up all the mess. Women clean up after dinner, after their husbands, after their children and pets and in-laws and quite often after their neighbors and those deplorable college students down the street. Men are never the ones cleaning up. Have you ever seen a man with a broom in his hand? I think not. But we’ve already fought the good fight on that one, and if you want a recap, go watch Jerry Springer. Ecofeminism is light-years ahead of that movement. Eco-Feminists seek to eliminate any messes they might have to clean up by implementing recycling and other environmental preservation techniques into every aspect of life that they can. Here’s a few examples:

- Nutri-Air. “A breath of Nutri-Air and you won’t feel hungry all day!” Completely organic food that is so condensed and pure that all you have to do is sit near it to absorb the nutrients, and then you have no waste to excrete. It means less diapers for women to change, less toilets for women to clean, and less money for women to spend on toilet paper when they do the shopping.

- Women’s Recycling Cans and Men’s Recycling Cans. Obviously we need them. As a matter of fact, why didn’t somebody think of this before?

- Reusable Sperm. “It just keeps coming, and coming, and coming!” In the interest of eliminating the waste of limited goods, reusable sperm would be ideal when a couple has one kid that they really like, that wasn’t too hard to take care of, and decide they want another just like it—which means less work for a woman, who, as we all know, is the primary caretaker of children—and they just reuse the sperm cloud from which the one successful one came, and, BAM, brand new kid just like the last one. If it seems similar to cloning…well, it worked for the Republic, didn’t it?

It looks like we’re headed to the new frontier with Ecofeminist sustainability leading the way. Remember kids, recycle, or your mom will do it for you, and then she’ll take over the world.

For those New Yorkers not in the loop, there has been a great storm of debate raging in a little restaurant called Polly’s down on Sixth Avenue. Discussion about suffrage, labor, and the values of a bohemian lifestyle have dominated the forefront thus far, but things seem to be coming to a head as the final sessions draw near and decisions must be made.

I have submitted this article as yet another plug for getting women the right to vote. Finding that among so many wonderful voices at Polly’s, one individual’s could be lost, and also wishing to spread the message to a wider audience, I have turned to a more public forum—The Forum. So please, all you Forumites, hear my plea: GIVE WOMEN THE VOTE!

There are those that would scoff at this, and say, “What do women need it for?” That is hardly the question. The real question is: why don’t we already have it? Are we not citizens of the United States, just as much as men are? Have we not given our fathers and brothers and sons and husbands to defend this country?  Have we not given our time and our support to keeping America as stable as possible? What would this country be without the women? Where would you MEN be without us?

I can tell you: you would be nowhere! You’d have no clothes on your backs, no socks on your feet! You’d have no one to cook you supper at night, breakfast in the morning! You’d be childless and lonely! Women are the providers of future generations—does that not garner some respect? And if man knew any better, he’d show appreciation for all the woman has done for him since the very dawn of time, even, and give her the right to vote now that she wants it!

And you, women, FIGHT FOR IT! Stand up and let your voice be heard! Can the President ignore us if we are shouting in his ear? Can you allow your husbands to deny you what you want when they have already taken everything from you? If you want the Vote, and you should, for without it we are merely SLAVES to the men, unable to speak for ourselves! Would you let a man cut out your tongue to keep you silent? Will you let him deny you the Vote any longer?

I have heard what the Antis are saying, and I say to them: don’t start carping on about our responsibilities in the home! If a woman can educate herself in Latin and Politics and Science prove she is as knowledgable as a man in these areas, who’s to say a man can’t learn how to manage a home and raise children? Aren’t they the more “capable sex”?

But why do we need to split hairs? Can’t men and women work alongside each other equally? With the Vote, women will be on equal political standing with men! Already there are husbands and wives who hold separate jobs and raise their children together. There are even some couples that have flouted convention altogether and refused to change the woman’s name to match the man’s! Why does a woman need to sacrifice her independence for a man?

Please, women of New York—nay, of the United States of America— remember what I’ve said here, and vote for suffrage! GIVE WOMEN THE VOTE!

With the recent negative twist of events in the economy, businesses have had to turn to drastic measures to keep the customers coming in—particularly eating establishments. One spokesperson from Gettysburg College’s own Bullet Hole commented that “people would rather starve than buy at Bullet because they’re so afraid of running out of declining dollars, because they don’t have any real money.”

Without a regular flow of students eating at Bullet, the College was thinking about closing it down and forcing students to eat at Servo, despite the severe budget cuts that Servo has taken. If Bullet Hole were closed, the student workers would be out of a job, losing what might be their only source of income. “People are desperate for jobs,” one worker commented. “I’m just glad to have mine—and I’d do anything to make sure I didn’t lose it.”

But just as the college was about to close the gate on the Bullet Hole forever, there was a sudden upsurge in consumption of Bullet meals, so sudden, so violent, and so prosperous that the College didn’t dare close it down, for fear they might have lost what could have become as great a source of money as the tuition itself. It didn’t make sense why people suddenly wanted soup and sandwiches so much more, or why there were lines of paranoid, twitching people reaching nearly to Plank, or why the student workers at Bullet suddenly seemed to be sporting various accessories that could only be classified as ‘bling,’ and otherwise generally appearing much more polished and well-groomed than before.

And then the truth came out: the Bullet Hole had been lacing their food with different kinds of highly addictive and often destructive narcotics, ensuring their customers would come back for more. “At first,” one student said, “I just thought their sandwiches were really, really good. Like, maybe they had a new chef or something. And then I looked a little closer at the white powder on my roast beef melt and I realized, that’s not salt.” By then, however, it was too late. The students were hooked—so they rushed to the only source they could find. It wasn’t long before the Bullet Hole put out a new menu, circulated only among the students who knew what they wanted, featuring their new line of drugged fare:

Soup – Cocaine Noodle
Salad – Southweed Chicken
Entree – Pizza Bagels with “special” sauce
Sandwich – Egg* Salad (*the eggs in question were just large chunks of crack)
Soup – Cream of Marijuana
Salad – Orange Walnut Cokeberry
Entree – Smack and Cheese
Sandwich – Chicken Meth-o
Soup – Opium Chili
Salad – Tortilla Salad w/H dressing
Entree – Crystal Quesadillas
Sandwich – Pastrami & Dope

Of course, when you step up to the sandwich counter, you can still choose your own ingredients—one particularly jerky student, after nearly punching his sandwich clerk in the face with an uncontrollable spasm, was overheard to ask for a “turkey and—ahh—cheese and please oh please man can you put some crack on that please man just a little please just a little more oh my god just put the goddamned crack on there oh god PLEASE” sandwich.

The student patronage of Bullet Hole increased substantially after they implemented this new style of cooking. It has also helped to stabilize the extremely fragile economic state of Gettysburg College, with the money being brought in from Bullet being put towards things like buying gas for the lawnmowers, repaving the bricks on the library steps, and other extremely necessary and expensive repairs and maintenance around campus. But how will this rise in drug-dependent college students affect the College in the future? Only time will tell.