Frat Bathroom Survival Guide

By Colleen Cable

Floating beer cans in the sink, a slippery film of brown sludge coating the floor, and questionable looking stains on the walls. No, it’s not a truck stop bathroom. That is a description of Gettysburg’s fraternity bathrooms. Girls need to know what to expect from each frat bathroom because, as we all know, going to the bathroom isn’t about actually going to the bathroom. With these ratings you will know what you’re in for when you need to make a quick escape from the dance floor.

1. Lambda Chi – By far my favorite bathroom. Not only is it relatively clean, it serves many social purposes as well. Every time I have been in that bathroom, myself or some other group of girls has congregated sitting atop those washing machines discussing the latest creepy drunk guy that has tried to get with every girl in the frat. When that same creep comes and starts dancing with you, grab some friends and take cover on the washing machines in the girl’s bathroom.

2. Sigma Chi – Once you finally trek through the snow on a Saturday night, you’re wet, cold, and pretty sure you’re makeup is smeared all over your face. The best place to go in this situation is Sigma Chi’s bathroom. Comparatively clean, this bathroom also has good lightening and big mirrors, so no matter how rough you look going in, you can come out looking as clean and new as though you just got out of the shower. For all anyone knows you could have, because there are two showers just waiting by the entrance.

3. Fiji – Aside from the use of this bathroom as a recycling bin for cans, Fiji keeps it pretty clean. I appreciate this fact when my friends insist on collecting all of the tabs off of the piles of half empty beer cans haphazardly stacked in the corners of the bathroom. If you need to cap off your tab collection or just don’t know what to do with an empty (or not so empty) can or cup, try the bathroom. You’ll be in good company.

4. ATO – Your dancing in ATO and across the floor you see that guy that you hooked up with last weekend.. The first thing that comes to mind is TOO MUCH TONGUE! You need an escape. Quickly you grab a friend and bolt to the bathroom, but alas, the line is too long! ATO’s bathroom is not one for a quick escape, but in non-emergency situations, it’s definitely worth the wait.

5. CROW – Slipping from the constant stream of beer flooding the dance floor is easy in Crow. Conversely, the bathroom floor is bone dry. This is probably due to the entire roll of toilet paper soaking up the pond “fratti light” in the bathroom. While it’s preferable not to have to wade through a swamp of beer to wash your hands, the soaking roll of toilet paper is of no help at certain critical moments.

6. Sigma Nu – Whenever I am in Sigma Nu’s bathroom, I feel like I’ve walked into one of Willy Wonka’s secret shrinking rooms. Everything in that bathroom seems miniaturized. I guess it’s a lazy person’s dream because you can reach anything by standing in one place. Above the paper towel-clogged sink is not quite a mirror, but rather some other metallic surface that distorts your face. The lines for the bathroom are probably so long because everyone needs to stall in confusion over the mini-fixtures and funhouse mirror.

7. Phi Delta Theta –Phi Del’s bathroom caters to both sexes as well as the gender confused having both a urinal and a toilet in the same room. One other warning: don’t be surprised if some small animal shoots out across the floor. It’s been known to happen.

8. Phi Sigma – Watch your feet at Phi Sigma because the toilets will overflow. Chances are, you are not the first person who has flushed that toilet tonight, so just imagine what you’re standing on right now. Don’t flush the toilets.

9. TKE – Who needs privacy when you’re at TKE? Their bathroom is not one that fosters much girl talk; it’s more of a get in, get out situation (that’s what she said). With no stall doors to the bathrooms, you will become very well acquainted with friends and …not friends. Not to mention the complete lack of toilet paper, the clogged sink, and the beer littered floor.

10. SAE - The most important thing you will need to know about SAE’s bathroom is that more people would rather go outside, than to use their actual toilets. If, however, you do choose to take on this bathroom, you will need reinforcements. Aside from the overall griminess, the doors to the graffiti smattered stalls do not lock and toilet paper in one or the other of the stalls will likely be out. In order to avoid the whole “can you spare a square” situation, make sure the person holding your door has some extra toilet paper.