Bruce Larson vs. the Germans: Pt. 3

By Brian Englesma

Bruce found all of this just a little too much, there was no way it could be true.  The Germans?  Taking over campus, then all of Pennsylvania Dutch Country?  It just couldn’t be.  He resolved to continue with his original plan, he was going to talk to President Riggs about this.

As he exited the car and made his way towards to Penn Hall he saw his old friend Professor McBrayer.  “Hey man, how’s it going?” asked Bruce.  “Did I miss anything at the meeting? Listen man, you’re not going to believe what just happened to me.”

“Sorry Bruce, you heard Von Wolfenstein, we can’t fraternize.  Especially not with you, you’re enemy number one around Glatfelter after your outburst earlier today.”

“Huh, what are you talking about, you’re not actually going along with everything he said, are you?”

“Sorry Bruce, I’ve already said too much,” responded McBrayer, who now had his back turned to Bruce.

That was it, the last straw; Bruce took off, half running to Penn Hall.  Throwing the door open Bruce didn’t slow his pace down one bit, he ran up the stairs and towards President Rigg’s office.  “I’m going to get some answers, one way or another I’m going to get the truth,” Bruce said to himself.

As he approached the door he saw the President’s new secretary, Andrew Ferriera. “Ummmmmm, excuse me, where do you think you’re going right now,” asked Andrew.

“I’m going to see President Riggs,” Bruce panted, out of breath from his sprint to the office.

“President Riggs?  You must be mistaken, Janet Morgan Riggs is no longer the President of Gettysburg College, you must mean that you’re going to see our brave and fearless President Heinrich Kahn.”

Bruce felt like he was punched in the gut.  President Kahn?  Why hadn’t he heard of this?  No matter, he needed to talk to someone about Von Wolfenstein’s terrible new rules, and about the general German-ification of campus.  “Yeah, that’s what I meant, I need to speak with him immediately.”

“Well he’s actually in a very important meeting right now,” said Andrew, ever the faithful secretary.

“Well when exactly can I get a meeting with him?”

“Let’s pull up the spreadsheet here and look for the next opening. Hmmmmmm, looks like President Kahn’s schedule is pretty well booked for the next ten years or so, I can pencil you in for October 3^rd 2019 at 23:15, is that alright?”

Bruce was shocked.  “2019!  No, I have to meet with him today, right now preferably, just who is he in a meeting with?”

Andrew kept his cool. He knew how to deal with rabble rousers like Bruce.  “Well, you see, I’m actually not allowed to give you that information.  If you fill out form 316V-22A at the Office of Scheduling we can let you know in 2-3 months time, pending President Kahn’s approval of course.”

Form 316V-22A.  2-3 Months.  Bruce couldn’t believe what he was hearing.  He wasn’t going to let bureaucratic regulations get in the way of truth, not today.  He continued on his way to President Kahn’s office.  Andrew shouted after him, “Wait, wait Bruce, you’re not allowed in there.  I’ll have to call DPS if you don’t cease and desist.”

Bruce looked back at him, “Do your worst, I’m not afraid, not today.”

As he got closer to the door he could hear voices.  It sounded like Von Wolfenstein was in there with Kahn.

Bruce heard a strange and new voice, it was raspy, like someone who had a lifetime of smoking under the belt.  He could only assume this voice was Kahn’s, “What’s the 411, give me a status report Von Wolfenstein.”

Now it was Von Wolfenstein’s turn to speak, “Vell Herr Kahn I have zum great news, ve have ze full zupport of ze Italian Department.  Ze French Department, not so much.  Ve have taken over zer offices though so they should be no real threat.  Ze English Department is also giving us some trouble, but ve should have nothing to fear, ze English are so incompetent they cannot even tie their own shoes Herr Kahn, zey must use der velcro.”

It was at this moment that Bruce decided to throw the door open and barge into Kahn’s office.  “The jig is up, I know everything,” he yelled at the top of his lungs.

“Herr Larson!” shrieked Von Wolfenstein.

“I thought I told you to call me Doctor Larson.”

“I thought zat I told you to be a good boy and play by ze new rules, ja?”

“You two think you’re so clever, don’t you, turning the school into your own sandbox.  Well I won’t let it happen, not on my watch.”

At this moment several DPS officers came streaming into President Kahn’s office.  Von Wolfenstein was the first to speak, “Officers, take zis man avay, ve do not vant such a silly little man sitting in on our meetings.”

With that several DPS officers surrounded Bruce.  He braced himself for confrontation.  He had never had any formal fight training, but he had seen Karate Kid many times.  He brought himself into the “Praying Mantis” position, raising his arms above his head and standing on one leg, ready to pounce.  Unfortunately for Bruce just as he was getting into position a DPS Officer tackled him and brought him to the ground.  He was carried out of the building kicking and screaming, “You haven’t seen the last of me Von Wolfenstein and Kahn, not by a long shot, I won’t let you get away with this!”

As he was thrown down on the ground Bruce realized something: he couldn’t do this alone, and he couldn’t wait for Cartier (or the Spitting Camel or whatever his name was).  No, Bruce was a man of action, and he needed to act now more than ever.  He reached into his pocket and pulled out his cell phone, brought it to his ear and did something he never thought he would ever do: bring in some back up.

“Hello, I’d like a plane ticket to Moscow, I’ll take the next flight available.”