He knows when you are sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. No, not Santa. FURBY.

Yes, this little demon seed combination of bird, guinea pig, and concentrated hate was a staple of many a 90’s childhood. And when I say staple I mean they scared the shit out of everyone.

Of course, these were always received as gifts because when unsuspecting mothers would head to the store and see the little gremlin, they would coo at its adorable features and jubilant chirps. Of course, Furbys are masters of deception, conniving buyers into opening the proverbial Pandora’s Box.

Once you opened the Furby and got it to sing to you and who knows what else, it kept itself pretty well behaved for a while, showing no signs of demonic possession (much like a latent virus waiting to strike). Then, one night, you’ll awake to the shrill blood-curdling screech of your beloved little toy. And of course, they didn’t come with an off button and no child has a Phillips-head screwdriver lying around, so when the little bugger starts screaming bloody murder while you’re all alone in your room, all you can do is try to beat it into submission or throw it at a wall.

Of course that only serves to make it angry. Its resilience haunted the depth of your mind; its glowing eyes peering from a dark corner of your room left you scarred and unable to sleep. An angry Furby is no longer a toy. It’s a weapon of seething revulsion. Its abhorrent noises and gesticulations leave no reasonable explanation for its creation.

But as soon as a parent would come into the room fearing the worst, the Furbys would revert to their old disguise, chirping and frolicking, waving their little ears. Your parents would then tell you to, “Calm down, it’s just a Furby,” but you know it’s not. It’s an evil spirit seed of Beelzebub himself, implanted in a demented, fuzzy exterior.

There is a legend that tells of an aunt who had thought she was buying her nephew and adorable new toy. Well, she is currently being held as an accomplice in a murder because of her fateful purchase.

That’s not true. But it could be.

Of course, one grew tired of their motion activated psychosis after a time, and so the only resort was to cover the fluffball with a blanket. Then, your mother or an unsuspecting friend would come over and accidentally lift the blanket which, unbeknownst to them, would trigger the pain and misery that its rise from the grave would entail. You could try to cover it up before its eyes flit open with the darkness of one hundred abysses, but you would always be unsuccessful. At that point, that game is over. You have already lost.

Eventually, the Furby fad faded out. Many people tossed them in an under-bed sarcophagus where they will dwell for the rest of eternity, others sold off the obscene creatures at yard sales to become another’s problem. But never forget, that no matter how long you wait, they will still have a little battery power left just waiting for you to wake them up one more time.

Maybe it’s a testimony to my eternal dorkiness, but I’m a wimp when it comes to scary movies and gory horror films.  I very simply can’t go there.  When a girl can be forever filled with terror by Jurassic Park and Gremlins, legitimate horror releases are out of the question.

So where am I, and others like me (don’t try to hide it, I know I’m not the only one) supposed to find gentle scares from?  You can’t have Halloween without a little creepiness, after all.  Where’s that happy medium?  I don’t want to be dying of fear, but I also don’t want to be bored out of my mind.

The Goosebumps series, both the books and the TV Show, where scary enough to give me slight nightmares, but never terrorize me.  I used to love coming home from elementary school, going to my babysitter’s house, sitting with my friends, and watching the specials.

My babysitter had three releases on VHS; one about a werewolf, another about a haunted tower overseas, and, my favorite to watch near Halloween, the one about the haunted mask.  If you’ve ever see or read Goosebumps, you know about it: in short, a girl decides to try and hide herself and become something very, very scary one Halloween.  She walks into a mask shop, and, as is always the case with these sorts of things, she ventures into that section of the store you’re not allowed to visit.  She takes a mask, puts it on, and scares the daylights out of everyone she meets.  The problem?  It won’t come off at the end of the night.

R. L. Stine is still an active author.  If you check out his site, he answers questions about his new books, encourages kids to keep reading, and offers teachers to send him an e-mail or letter requesting school appearances.  He started publishing books in 1992, and it seems that he’s been going ever since.

If you think Goosebumps is a little too old school to be awesome, think again.  A year ago, I walked into my living room on Halloween to see my 12 year old sister entranced by this weird TV show.  Sure enough, that creepy opening with the Goosebumps logo and yellow-eyed dog flashed across the screen.  She was hooked.

Stine succeeds in being creepy without going over the top.  I’d liken it to the Crypt Keeper show and graphic novels; fun discomfort that’s not going to threaten sleep habits.  Goosebumps was without a doubt, a success of the 90’s.  Go check it out!

Most anyone that was worth something in the 90′s remembers pogs, those little cardboard discs with pictures on them.  Pogs allowed typical 90′s youths to express their unique tastes and individuality at a level only the recent advent of Silly Bandz has been able to approach.  You could get Simpsons pogs.  You could get Disney pogs.  Some of them even had freakin’ holograms on them.  You name it, you got it with pogs.  That was their beauty, their eternal legacy.

While I could go on and on about the obvious usefulness and utility of these magical circles, I wish to comment more on their impact on our collective 90′s psyche.  I talked to a former pog enthusiast who has wished to remain anonymous, yet this does not diminish the powerful story he had to tell.

“Yard sales were the foster homes of delinquent pogs,” he reminisced fondly. “My family was too cheap to get them at the comic book store.”

When asked whether he still had his cherished collection, he replied, “No, my mom threw them away.”

What a travesty.  As I comforted this man, now looking more like the timid boy who collected them all those years ago, I realized something had to be done.  I did some research into the careful, delicate process required to manufacture pogs.  Through my efforts, I have been blessed to learn the formula that spawned one of the most beloved fads of our childhood.  I will share the steps with you:

Step One: Cut out a small circular piece of cardboard.

Step Two: Glue a picture of your face on it.

Step Three: There is nothing else.

So go out, my friends, and make pogs.  Make ones of your favorite animals, your favorite TV characters, or your favorite CNAV pictures.  Love them, as they once loved us.

Face – (n) the front part of a person’s head from the forehead to the chin; or the corresponding part on an animal.

In most cases this definition of “face” is true—except for the most important case of all. If it were up to Nickelodeon Junior (Nick Jr. for short) to decide what the word meant, they would tell you it stood for the handsome, multicolored, daytime host of Nickelodeon’s Monday through Thursday block of television.

Sure, Face was Nick Jr.’s main mascot, but he was also so much more. He was the master of ceremonies for mid-day entertainment. He was the head announcer (every pun intended) for anything ages 3-12. He was the usher that showed us to our high chair and handed us our sippy cup (metaphorically speaking). Depending on the color he chose to assume, we could be instantly saddened or suddenly uplifted. Anyone who witnessed his work knows how well Face was able to pluck our heartstrings. His work as Nick Jr.’s main Face-in-charge inspired generations to come.

It was a sad day when Face left us. A childhood hero that many of us had looked up to was finally defeated. Face was a friend to many, if not all, of the people who tuned in to shows like Blue’s Clues, Little Bear or Gullah Gullah Island. It is easy to blame Nickelodeon for this loss but I know, deep down, they loved Face just as we did. It was not something they wanted to do, but something that had to be done. All good things must come to an end but in this case, it was one of the best. We will miss you, Face.

Face Down in the Gutter: The E! True Hollywood Story of Face

The reason(s) Nickelodeon had to let him go

Face finally planted in the ground.

Remember Roseanne? That nice little show on Nick@Nite about the nice little family with their nice little house and nice little lives? Why, I remember it like it was yesterday…

The parents’ names were Dan and Roseanne Connor, (played by John Goodman and Roseanne Barr), and they never ever got into arguments or fought over anything. Roseanne was the perfect housewife—quiet, demure, clean—and Dan was the perfect husband—caring and romantic. They had three lovely, almost perfect children: Becky (Lecy Goranson/Sarah Chalke), quiet but responsible, never in trouble with her parents; Darlene (Sara Gilbert), cheerful, bright, and friendly, very popular in school; and finally DJ (Michael Fisher), charismatic and charming, always willing to take out the trash, really looked up to both his sisters. They were the perfect little children, loving and obedient to their parents at nearly all times.

Roseanne, if I remember correctly, had a younger sister named Jackie (Laurie Metcalfe), who was just the sweetest little sister anyone could ever ask for. She always knew what to say, and what to do, and really only ever visited to help Roseanne bake pies for charity and other kind works. The two of them were an excellent team in the kitchen, which was their favorite place to be.

I do believe it was set in a quaint little suburban town, with nice green lawns and nice blue houses and nice yellow cars…yes, I remember little DJ often running out to play on his nice red bike. And I remember Becky and Darlene both growing up and finishing college and marrying nice handsome young men and having exactly 2.5 children each. Dan and Roseanne lived happily for many many years, without a single problem—a miracle, for sure—and even had a fourth child when they felt they were ready, naming him after that nice singer, Jerry Garcia.

This delightfully quaint little show, beginning in1989 and ending in 1997, ran for nine seasons and won the Peabody Award for Excellence in Television Broadcasting in 1992, the People’s Choice Award in 1989, the Kid’s Choice Award in 1992, and three Golden Globes.

Roseanne was a show beloved by families around the world for its quaint humor and realistic qualities. I do miss it so—but what’s this? It’s airing again on Nick@Nite? How delightful! I can’t wait to snuggle in with a bowl of popcorn and relive this timeless family classic! Tee-hee!

Don’t believe me? Just ask Wikipedia!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roseanne_%28TV_series%29

As soon as we hear the words: “I wanna be the very best…”, we all know exactly what the following phrase it. We all remember either getting up early at 6:15 to watch the show before school or flying home at 3:30 to catch the show after. We all remember waiting in lines in front of Toys ‘R Us, or whatever toy store, to get the new game that had just come out. We remember spending copious amounts of money on little packs of cards just in the hopes of getting a hologram. For all of those who are unfortunate enough to not know what I’m talking about, Ill just say it: I’m talking about Pokémon.

That’s right, kids, that 90s craze that hit all of us has comes back to bite us now that the younger generation is being exposed to it. Sadly, back in our day there was only 151 Pokémon and it was possible to catch them all, right now it seems rather impossible and just a little pointless now that they have all these new creatures and suddenly all the first generation ones have new evolutions.

Now that we are all older we now marvel at how Ash Ketchum and his friends have magically not aged a single year. Yep, that boy is still 10 years old, the same age he was over 10 years ago. We also now realize that the show is a liar and that Agility will not beat Lieutenant Surge’s Raichu in the Game Boy Game and that no matter how hard you try to knock off the Fire Sprinklers in Brock’s gym, there is no way for a Pikachu to beat an Onix. Now that we are older, we all suddenly realize how many life lessons that Pokémon teaches you, like getting animals to fight one another will make you some famous trainer, under-aged gambling is perfectly alright if you want to get rare TMs, and breaking and entering into stranger’s houses is completely acceptable because you get free stuff that will help you in a great quest to be the best there ever was.

But besides all this, we all can remember the fond memories we had while either watching the shows, playing the games, or trading the cards, sometimes even dressing up as the characters for Halloween. We all had our good times and it might make some of us happy to reminisce about the days when instead of saving up money for a car or new bike, we saved for Pokémon cards in hopes that we would get that elusive Charizard.

On a closing note, I have found out while writing this article that “Pikachu” is an actual word in the Microsoft dictionary, who knew?

We know you missed this column, but we also know what you’ve missed even more—your all-time favorite after-school snack: Dunk-a-roos!

We know you remember what it was like to take the bus home from school, run in your front door, and see your favorite yummy graham crackers just waiting for you to dunk them in frosting.

But DID YOU KNOW? Those aren’t graham crackers you’re plunging headfirst into over-processed sugar—those are real kangaroos! Recently it has come to light that years ago a Keebler Elf went rogue and put together a machine that transformed live animals and people into deliciously shaped goodies! He didn’t tell anyone, of course, only continued to produce cookies, candies, and crackers in cute shapes at an alarming rate. Meanwhile, a type of red fish from Sweden went extinct completely, and we nearly lost the kangaroo entirely! When the big snack food corporations found it, they panicked—what if the public found out? No child would buy their products ever again! They’d become the target of animal rights activists everywhere! Not to mention the globally devastating consequences of what would happen if third-world countries ever got their hands on such a machine.

They managed to lock away the elf and his machine, covered up the entire affair…until now! It took quite a lot of digging to discover this heinous truth, and now that I have, I admit, I can’t look at a Dunk-a-roo the same way when I know so many innocent kangaroos were sacrificed to bring me this tasty treat.

Welcome back to This Week in 90′s Nostalgia, where we travel in time to the land of grunge gods, the messiah prince of Bel Air and devil possessed Furbys. Let’s face it, you know you miss the 90′s and still secretly say WAZZZAP.

Today we revisit our favorite ice princess: Michelle Kwon. Her moves give you the chills. Her style and grace equate to those of a magical gazelle on ice. (Gazelles, another fantastic 90′s phenomenon, most likely to be discussed later). Kwan was born in California, where many ice legends are trained. Some of the greatest ice prodigies have been the kin of many famous Hollywood stars. Families such as the Fondas, Sheens (particularly the grace of Emilio Estevez), and even the Baldwin’s spawned an ice star that never got past the rookies (no I am not talking about Stephen Baldwin; I am talking about Magnus Baldwin 1965-1980).

Michelle succeeded in ice skating lessons but struggled to get there. Coming from a poor family, Kwan had to become a bear hunter. This is where she developed her form. By age 8 not only could Kwan master simple algebra, but she could massacre a bear with a triple axel. Talk about a 10…10 bears slain in a day. After completely enough training, Kwan decided to enter in the 1994 Olympics. Luckily she did not enter that Olympics. If she had, she would have been victim to Jeff Gillooly and Tanya Harding. Even the best bear hunters have no chance against a future pro wrestler and her he-man.

In 1998, Kwan won the US Skating Championship and made silver at the Olympics. She fell short to Tara Lipinski, America’s first premature fetus to win gold. She then went on to win a few more medals. She even managed to win a medal in a sister winter event: curling. After her sweep with curling, Kwan decided to take a break from sports.

Our skater decided then to be a multimedia star. Kwan had always wanted to become a singer/actress when she was back in her country hunting for Himalayan Brown Bear. She tried to collaborate with rapper Ice-T then decided she was just sick of all the skating puns. Michelle Kwan then made her move to made-for-television movies Skating

Hello, and welcome all to our newest section of the Forum: This Week in 90′s Nostalgia, where every week we will showcase a familiar singer, television show, product, etc., reminding you that your life as a child was amazing, and that you can never go back to the comforts of the “mellow 90′s”.

We will be starting this wonderful thread with a personal favorite: Jewel.

Jewel Kilcher, born May 25, 1974, was born in Utah. She was a lonely child. That’s about all you need to know about this goddess of melodies past, as it is her song-style and lyrics that necessitate focusing upon.

Yodeling is a gift not many personages possess; in fact, over 90% of registered yodelers go unnoticed in life. But one person brought yodeling to the forefront, and I’m not talking about Principal Bone from Doug (a later installment, I’m sure). I speak, of course, about Jewel. Ever since she was a child she was gifted with the ability to fluctuate her vocal chords in such a way that would continually and easily switch between her head voice and chest voice to produce high-quality tones in either. When she exploded onto the stage in 1993 with this unique ability, Switzerland would finally be put on the map, contributing a singing style that had remained untapped since the band Focus. She soon rose to fame after “meeting” Michael Balzary or Flea, bassist for The Red Hot Chili Peppers, and accomplished actor, in her trailer home. They immediately hit it off. It was no where but up for this shy white girl. But it would be her story, no, her struggle, that would escalate Jewel above her artistic rivals of the day, such as Everclear, Pantera, and Blur.

One can immediately connect with her debut single, “Who Will Save your Soul,” as she struggles to cope with the helplessness of the human psyche in her memorable lines:

“Who will save your soul, when it comes to the flower/Who will save your soul after the lies that you, boy/Who will save your soul if you won’t save your own? “

Not only do these words resonate within the confines of the mind, they also send a stalwart message of peace, love, and forgiveness.

Next comes her heart wrenching song about a love lost, or rather, remembered, as we glimpse into the crystallized heart of Jewel when she sings, You were meant for me. One can only wonder what kind of person would do such a deplorable thing to such an innocent girl. If you don’t cry by the end of this song, well, you are numero uno on my list of suspects.

So next time you see Jewel on VH1, don’t cry, but enjoy, as her soft, sensual, unadulterated voice smoothly swims into your heart, and bathes in your soul.