A Message From the Publisher: Welcome All Ye Lost Souls!!!

By Buford Gideon Ambrose, Publisher Emeritus

Greetings loyal Forum enthusiasts, as I finally have returned after 15 year expedition in the valleys of Tahiti and Isles of the Gulf searching for new and exotic conservative values (I must say I was quite successful). Upon my return, I am content to find that the Glorious Forum has remained unscathed by the pressures of the left, and that we continue to educate the very able minds of Gettysburg College. As you may know, I am Buford Gideon Ambrose, Publisher Emeritus to our Great Forum. Among other things, it is my responsibility to ensure the vitalization of the Forum, be it through economic stimulation, advertisement, or any means necessary… I am also given the distinct honor of my very own weekly column, which I may properly manifest my anger and frustration into tangible evidence that life is far from perfect. However with elbow grease, hope, and a few nuclear devices, we may be able to change that once and for all!

Before I begin my rant, allow me to familiarize you with the vessel of candor that is the Gettysburg Forum Staff. Captaining our ship, of course, is the ever-clever Nate Storey, our Editor-in-Chief. You may recognize Nate from such fantastic films as You, Me, and Dupree, Shanghai Noon, Shanghai Knights, and Wedding Crashers under his stage name, Owen Wilson. Also we have with us our enigmatic Managing Editor Marianna Fiorentine, a gypsy I hand-picked personally while in the Dominican Republic whilst attending the 50 th anniversary of America’s seizure of this precious island. And our Editors this year are of the finest quality, as I have bred them of only the paramount stock this great nation has to offer: Ann Coulter and Robert Bork. But enough of the crew, on to business.

For those returning collegiate students, welcome home, and I hope you have not forgotten all of the fantastic benefits that binge drinking and Greek life have to offer.

Please feel free to comment on the new and exciting changes the Campus has gone through, as Gettysburg has received her much needed Facelift. Ike’s has changed yet again, the current theme is Indian Cuisine, so be prepared for a year of curry!!! Also, as many of you have already heard, Stephen Ginter was unable to graduate due to lack of credits and any new exotic ideas for the Senate. Please feel free to make him feel welcome as he partakes in yet another Senior year and may we wish him many more wonderful Senior years in the time to come.

As for you innocent freshmen, let me be the first to say welcome to Hell. I kid, of course, as Gettysburg is not, in fact, the bowels of Hades, but rather…a purgatory of effects, one which the mass population of students can only be set free from with the Truth, which, coincidentally, can be found within this very Forum!!! I will not go into all of the magnificent features Gettysburg has to offer, as one of our staff writers will get you in the know of our ever-growing family. However, since I am given this space to write freely my thoughts and opinions, let me first say that not all the media on campus is credible. The Burgian, for example, is composed of the likes of humans you have never experienced before. The bastard child of “The New York Times” and “Oprah Magazine,” it harbors evil people like Leo Vaccaro wanting nothing more than to imbue your malleable minds with the filth of lies, slander, and libel. Do not look him directly into the eyes…

But do not woe, o ye faithful readers, for there are outlets of truth on campus. Obviously there is the Forum, with its vastly advanced writing staff as well as pristine Americans citizens (of course excluding Mariana Fiorentine, our distinguished Managing Editor). As well as this immaculate publication, our television station on campus here is of the finest quality, previewing a plethora of educational, exciting, and exotic programs which are sure to please. Channel 34, check it out.

Also, there a certain people on campus you should be sure to make the acquaintance of, as they are vital to the Gettysburg Campus community. First and foremost is La Marquis de Sade, a mysterious man who, when is your ally, you’ll find saving your life, but, when you’re enemy, ending it. Next is Marc Fialkoff, a chemistry/political science major filled with knowledge, and is quite a character! Also be sure to bow before the awing might of Alex Bigler the Lion-Hearted, a particularly vicious student here at Gettysburg, as she has single-handedly abolished democracy by usurping the presidential seat, and becoming Gettysburg’s first Dictator.

But enough of my shameful plugs and tasteless advertising, let the school year commence, and rest assured my beloved followers, this will be the Forum’s finest year, for Buford Gideon Ambrose has returned, and with him a League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, unlike the extremely unsuccessful 2004 hit movie starring Sean Connery.

I have just successfully ended an article with “Sean Connery.” Yes, it will indeed be an extraordinary year…