A Message From the Publisher: What We Have Learned This Summer

By Buford Gideon Ambrose, Publisher Emeritus

Photo circa 1923.

Greetings all loyal Forum enthusiasts! I am currently writing, perhaps for the last time this year, from my summer château in New Jersey, and must I say I am delightedly bored. How this summer has passed so quickly! I am remiss to say that I was definitely not prepared to have a wickedly exacerbating seasonal occasion this year, as this has been the most fantastical summer to date. But it has been a summer of experience, a summer of love, and most importantly, a summer of headline news.

We start of course with the ongoing presidential election, which for some reason has already begun. How I relish in the fact that this will continue for another year, and that we may, in fact, be in for a surprise as to who will be our next commander in chief!!!

I, of course am jesting, as everyone knows it is impossible for a human without a Y chromosome to be victorious in… anything.

And who could forget our absolutely fantastic summer at the movies!!! What a treat it has been, as we were faced by not one, but three “thirds.” We started with the wickedly clever Spider-Man 3, which I was delighted to see the incorporation of the very popular new fashion style of many teenaged boys, emo I think they call it. I just love the short black hair and emotion that fills every young boy’s face. Followed shortly was the much-anticipated Pirates of the Caribbean, which too sent chills down my back while watching the handsomely suave J-Depp work his movie magic. And then Shrek the Third happened. What we can learn from this experience is that movies, in fact, do not have to actually be entertaining. On the contrary, a movie is solely based on its SequalStatus©. The producers of Fantastic Four, for example, did not receive word that their movie did poorly the first go around, but once they slapped on that number two and added a subtitle, the people flocked.

But enough of all that blather; on to the headlines!

We should start, as we start all news updates: sweaty, juicy, and barely legal. Paris Hilton was arrested for DUI. I for one am truly outraged at such a brash attempt at the judicial system, as she only served only 23 days in jail. Yes, woe are the times where we are letting this whoremonger continue to perpetuate and infiltrate our malleable society with such scandalous behavior. Ms. Hilton obviously should have received death by hanging, as was customary in the late 1930′s. How do you think Buster Keaton was dealt with after his lewd behavior with two women, neither of which were married to that abomination of a man?

Michael Vick was found guilty of something that I cannot even repeat. Apparently in today’s society, it is unspeakable to treat dogs as humans have been treating each other for hundreds of years. I suppose two beings fighting each other until one is obliterated while millions of onlookers place massive amounts of money on one to be victorious is illegal as well. And here I thought Rocky II was real!!! Forgive me if I am wrong, good readers, but if I hadn’t known any better, I would have assumed that they were dogs, that is, animals without souls. Now this will undoubtedly offend some people, seeing as for some reason it is easier for a man or woman to settle for something that can contribute nothing to the relationship rather than having friends, but let us look back and reflect on what really is at hand here. I am exuberated to see who the people actually want Vick to apologize to, seeing as they belonged to him. “Belonged” means that he owns them, like property.

Speaking of things being owned, our immaculate Senate got its rear end handed to it again as one of its senior members, Larry Craig of Idaho was found making gestures at a fellow in the other stall. Personally, I see no problem whatsoever in this, as I have often found myself playing a delightful game of footsie with my stall neighbor. However, the liberal media has once again twisted the facts to make Craig out to be a hideous lying homosexual monster. What an insult to call a United States Senator: gay. But hopefully it will all work out for the best, as Senators have never ever ever done anything wrong in the history of this world.

A bridge fell down, somewhere, but I cannot recall where.

Yes, it has been quite an eventful summer, with ups downs, and some valuable life lessons. A summary: Firstly, we have learned that movies are only visual parodies of moving images trying to put together a coherent plotline. Secondly, that whorish celebrities should be put to death, ideally by guillotine. Third, that dogs have just as many rights as actual people, except voting and having guns and free speech and running for president at 45. Lastly, we have learned that Senators are quite classy people.

Fair-thee-well loyal Forum enthusiasts! Let us reap the benefits of this barren wasteland fall campus before the Abominable Snowman — that is the Burgian — steals our warmth forever. Onward!