APO Implements New Service During Economic-Downturn

By Josh Carmel

The annals of Alpha Phi Omega reveal a charitable, philanthropic history, unmarred by the indecorous glare of promiscuity or lechery. Founded in 1925, APO currently flourishes on approximately 350 campuses across the nation, Gettysburg College included, providing a bastion for, as their website maintains, “co-ed service” and “college campus-based volunteerism.”

The order strives for the acquisition of leadership and the establishment of friendship, tenets which have been slightly subverted throughout this perilous economic-downturn. Many chapters, however, spearheaded by Gettysburg, have found a way to marry both attributes to the economically viable money-making business of prostitution.

“A service is a service,” said National APO President Maggie Katz.  “We have the unique opportunity, as a co-educational fraternity, to provide a satisfactory ‘service’ to both men and women alike.”

While some members of the campus community have recoiled at this marked departure from acceptable societal normality, others praise the fraternity’s ingenuity and assistance in buttressing the failing economy.

“It’s a great idea,” said Chairperson of the Economics Department Charles Weise. “Theoretically, it’s a return to the basic foundations of Economics. The word itself is derived from the Greek οικονομια, literally translated as: house-keeping. APO is simply returning to past methods of accruing funds and ‘keeping-house’ so to speak.”

Members of APO have donned new t-shirts, as a pseudo-advertisement for their new fundraising technique. The shirts are emblazoned with both a sword and a chalice, facing inward, enjoined by the Greek phrase: πολεμεω εν σοι, translated as “I make war in you.”

“At least they are using actual Greek,” said Classics Professors Brett Rogers and Jonathan David, both of whom teach Ancient Greek at the College. “We were both sick of their artificial employment of the language, stringing words together that signify nothing.”

The fraternity’s first order of business is to partition both the campus and the surrounding town into specific regions. Each APO member is then required to fulfill a predetermined amount of time within that area, offering up whatever necessary fanfare the clientele desire. When finished they are encouraged to confer their funds upon the Principal-in-Management-Personnel, conveniently subsumed under the moniker PIMP.

“I’ve been enjoying myself,” said APO member Crissy Sandusky. “While it took me awhile to perfect the Alaskan Fire Dragon and the Monroe Transfer, I Land Shark with the best of them.”

Sandusky’s sentiments are echoed amongst members of the campus community, who feel that the new source of income has lent an appropriate degree of fiscal stability to the College.

“We thought that adding several hundred channels of ESPN would help, if only to keep the students happy,” said Accounts Payable Supervisor Brandy Craig. “This is a fantastic alternative, providing both external and internal prosperity.”

Whatever the claim, APO, always the purveyor of charitable efforts, has found a way to adapt in a potentially life-threatening and entirely precarious situation, a lesson which accentuates the Gettysburg’s own axiom: “Do Great Work.”

“I do great work every week,” said APO member Brandon Whiles. “I’m the best in my field and the customer always leaves with a smile.”