Humor » April Fools

By Liz Williams

With Springfest 2061 just around the corner, rumors have been circulating about the artists for this year’s concerts. The members of CAB officially announced this morning that the Justin Bieber Reunion Tour will be stopping by Gettysburg College for the Thursday night concert, followed by Baby Gaga on Saturday afternoon.

Each of the artists will be joining us via ...

By Audra Foster

Twenty years ago today, on April 1st, 2041, Gettysburg College signed itself away to the Apple Corporation, sparking a movement among hundreds of colleges across the nation to do the same. Apple, which has held the lead in the technological education, arms, and merchandise races for well over 60 years, had deemed the step “necessary for the future ...

By Josh Carmel

April 1, 2061

Some say he is a little bit country, while others contend that he is a little bit rock and roll. Students at Gettysburg College know, however, that he is all techno. Like that undulating, pseudo-nauseating, cranial cramping beat on the subwoofer of your entirely antique 86 Honda Civic with the plaid seat covers and the plastic ...

By Rob Kellert

Gettysburg College has finally released its list of courses for the new iYear! Sign-up is easy: just access the iSelect feature (to the left of the iSuck feature, just below the iScreamforicecream button) on your iCourse application on the iStudent menu of your IAmLegend device. Repeat this process for each course you select, and before you know it, ...

By Liz Williams

Students awoke to surprising news this morning in the form of an e-mail from President Andrew Ferreira himself. According to Ferreira, “Hayden,” the mysterious force behind G-Tech for over fifty years, has identified himself as a robot. Rumors of Hayden’s true identity have circulated the student population for years, but no one would have guessed the mastermind of ...

By Xavier Harding

This past Monday, Senate recognized the Human Out-Reach Choir, or HOR Choir (pronounced whórë kweyer). The HOR Choir has been seeking Senate approval for the past 10 years and has gone to many extremes to do so. “I slept with someone on Senate one year,” said an anonymous member of the HOR Choir (Rebecca Summers), “people think ill ...

By Josh Carmel

April 1, 2061

The looming silhouette of West Building, inhabiting the debris-addled fringe of Gettysburg College, has, for decades, served as wet nurse to debauchery and bedfellow of destruction. Those passersby, brave enough to venture out toward the desolate nether-regions of the campus, where now never a blue-light ominously glows, are often frightened by intense fits and bursts ...

By Colleen Cable

Apple, owner of Gettysburg College, released a new iTouch and iPhone application today just in time for this year’s formal sorority recruitment. The app is iSister, a newly formulated method to recruit freshman girls into the Greek system. With this new app, rotationals are a thing of the past. Using iSister, the sorority sisters and the potential new ...

By Josh Carmel

Everybody knows Waldo. The stripped-shirt, lanky, blue-jean clad savant, whose bulbous eyes tended to undress even the chastest of churchgoers, dominated the lives of our grandparents in the late 80s and early 90s. The ageless teen, who perfected the art of espionage during the Cold War and, to some modern scholars, tramped across India as a wayward troubadour ...

By Elizabeth Elliott

An extraordinary event occurred on campus yesterday afternoon that is keeping Gettysburg students talking.  As Tau Kappa Epsilon was conducting its annual Easter Egg Hunt, some brothers noticed smoke coming from a tree near the Admissions Office.  After a girl screamed, “My kitty’s up there!” the brothers ran over to help.  Witnesses say that the men constructed a human ...