With Springfest 2061 just around the corner, rumors have been circulating about the artists for this year’s concerts. The members of CAB officially announced this morning that the Justin Bieber Reunion Tour will be stopping by Gettysburg College for the Thursday night concert, followed by Baby Gaga on Saturday afternoon.

Each of the artists will be joining us via 3D holographic live streaming projected onto the walls of Penn Hall. While the performers will not be physically present on campus, their managers have assured us that the sound quality will be as good as ever.

After a ten-year hiatus and multiple drug rehabilitation programs, Justin Bieber has finally resumed his musical career for the sake of his devoted fans. At 67 years old, Bieber has produced over 75 top hits, a feat his life partner, Dylan Sprouse, attributes to “auto-tune, rhyming skills, and good shampoo.”

In celebration of Bieber’s hair recently selling for $500 million on eBay, his staff will be handing out free “Bieber wigs” to the first one hundred guests at Friday night’s concert.

Baby Gaga, granddaughter of the late Lady Gaga, will be singing from her new hit album, “Baby Gaga: Born to Die.” Her stop at Gettysburg College will be one in a string of battlefield concerts given across the Eastern Coast. Other stops this spring include Antietam, Bunker Hill and Fort Sumter.

“I wanted to find a way to really connect with my ancestors,” said Baby Gaga in a recent interview. “By giving concerts at places where thousands of people have died, I think I can reach out to people in a new way. It’s exhilarating – you know, partying with the dead.”

The concerts for Springfest 2061 will take place on Thursday at 7 p.m. and Saturday at 1 p.m. Tickets can be purchased in the CUB or from Andrew Ferreira directly.

Twenty years ago today, on April 1^st, 2041, Gettysburg College signed itself away to the Apple Corporation, sparking a movement among hundreds of colleges across the nation to do the same. Apple, which has held the lead in the technological education, arms, and merchandise races for well over 60 years, had deemed the step “necessary for the future of America.” Gettysburg College, ever the forerunner for social and political change, was the first to join Apple’s mission to cultivate the minds and bodies of America’s future leaders.

Here at the Forum, which has enjoyed unlimited success since Gettysburg College ‘went chrome’ and committed to a technophilic way of life, we’re celebrating the 20^th year of Apple’s leadership by emphasizing how much Gettysburg College has improved thanks to the guidance and support of Apple. We’re taking this day, jokingly known as APPLE Day (Apple Ploys People with Lots of Excellence) due to the fact that Gettysburg College students typically receive the latest models of Apple products, to appreciate how much the quality of life has improved in the world thanks to Apple.

And, as is wont to happen with such retrospective speculation, we’re taking this day to reflect on the past and marvel at the events that have lead us to this future.

It does make you wonder, what it must have been like for students thirty, forty, even fifty years ago, before campus was Mac-centric, before we had the statue of Steve Jobs stationed between Masters and Plank—I mean, they still had newspapers—printed ones—on paper—what the fuck?

Granted, this was a world dependent on the mass production of tree-pulp and refined petroleum to keep their society afloat. The thought of wasting so many innocent resources—such destruction is nigh-incomprehensible today.

So let this 20^th APPLE Day be one of joyous nostalgia, Gettysburg College, and remember—An Apple™ a Day Keeps the Problems at Bay!

April 1, 2061

Some say he is a little bit country, while others contend that he is a little bit rock and roll. Students at Gettysburg College know, however, that he is all techno. Like that undulating, pseudo-nauseating, cranial cramping beat on the subwoofer of your entirely antique 86 Honda Civic with the plaid seat covers and the plastic unicorn dash ornament, the College’s 16^th President is both a man wise beyond his years and, dare the author admit, stylishly good-looking.

Ferreira came to Gettysburg in 2008, dressed to kill in his Hillary Clinton-esque black pantsuits, searching for what most people want in life: love and the unrestrained ability to exert his power over fellow peers. He got his wish. Twice elected Student Senate President during his tenure at the College, Ferreira—always the bride and never the bridesmaid— issued the controversial dissolution of the Faculty Council (in his second term) and rearranged the campus to look like his native Pompton Lakes, New Jersey (complete with a real Stine Lake). Following his illustrious time in the Senate, Ferreira, voted most likely never to leave Gettysburg College out of spite, was thrice elected High-Chancellor of Educational Discipline, a new position created shortly after his graduation and lovingly likened to the ever-so-popular Gestapo of the Old War era.

“I felt like, let’s see, I felt like I had an obligation to oppress fellow students, to deliberately hide information in Senate closed-sessions and the like” said 70 year-old Ferreira, surrounded by a mountain of pillow pets and care bears. “It was more than just a hobby, it was for the greater good. Gettysburg needs me and I will never, never let it go.”

After a short stint as a diabolical laugher in Hollywood, those dubious craftsman who cackled manically in the cult-classics Saw 56 and 57, Ferreira returned to his alma mater ready and raring to go. His first order of business, upon being appointed President, after the beloved Linda, the Omelet Lady (still going strong with the aid of modern medicine) and Rod Tosten (not going so strong) turned down the position, was to create the Red-Tape Committee.

“I was always a fan of the color red and shuffling from place to place in line,” Ferreira intoned. “I called the process “furbulling,” after the waddling movement of Furby’s, those olden-day toys that I genuinely wish to take after.

When asked about the benefits of seemingly superfluous, entirely arbitrary waiting, with no redeeming social, cultural, or physical value attached to it, Ferreira responded:

“You see. There is nothing like the physical movement provided by waiting in line. I looked at the cumbersome, inefficient public flagship universities in New Jersey and thought, how can we be more like them? The answer was obvious: Lines! It would be like bringing the DMV to you.”

Ferreira’s latest move as president includes the Re-education Enterprise in Gettysburg Nomenclature, nominally called R.E.I.G.N.

“R.E.I.G.N is a really cool program, if you stop and think about it,” maintained Robo-Hayden. “There is nothing more culturally advanced, at least in the humble opinion of this pseudo-cyborg here, than regulating the speech patterns and language of students in a collegiate institution.”

When asked about his program, its controversial and neoteric practices, Ferreira said:

“Freedom isn’t free anymore, so why pretend? Who wants to be stuck in the past, caught up with old-wave notions of ‘free speech’ and ‘free thought?’ Instead! Let’s usher in the new with punishment attached to speaking one’s mind and disagreeing with the administration. Won’t that be fun?”

The surrounding campus community has shown its overwhelming support for RE.I.G.N., establishing a sister organization called Students Love Andrew’s  Vacillating Entity, known colloquially by its acronym S.L.A.V.E.

“I never knew what to say, until President Ferreira came along,” chimed S.L.A.V.E. President Tommy Malkins. “It’s like a breath of fresh air, a new-fangled addition to an exceedingly important Liberal Arts education.”

As its fundamental goal, R.E.I.G.N. and S.L.A.V.E. hope to re-organize the relationship between the administration and student-body, excising the pesky professorial middle-ground, and to moderate all thought and action on the Gettysburg campus. Stifling creativity and expression, according to the President, is an obvious method of reducing points and making the community  healthy, safe, and equally (un)happy.

“I think it is ridiculous,” proclaimed a Converse-clad, elderly Dr. Brett Rogers. “As a former Greek and Women, Gender, Sexuality professor at Gettysburg, I realize the importance of insurrection and, like, this weird way of reacting to certain heteronormative hermeneutics on campus. It’s important,” Rogers continued, “to ensure that this program has, at its heart, proper roles for promoting the entire community, and not just male and female alike.”

Whatever the outcome of R.E.I.G.N., one thing is certain. President Andrew Ferreira, head-cocked sideways and looking freakishly forever young, is going to take care of this institution. He will crimp, prime, and snip certain things from the campus, but, with a face and dress-code like his, it makes all the difference in the world. After all! This College is his baby, and, in the ever-resonant words of President Ferreira, “nobody puts baby in the corner.”

Gettysburg College has finally released its list of courses for the new iYear! Sign-up is easy: just access the iSelect feature (to the left of the iSuck feature, just below the iScreamforicecream button) on your iCourse application on the iStudent menu of your IAmLegend device. Repeat this process for each course you select, and before you know it, you’ll be registered for the semester.

History 000: History of Hysteria

A survey of the idiots who thought the world would end in 2012. We will also examine why Armageddon will occur in 2062, as the Aztecs predicted.

Psychology 113: Psychoology

An in-depth examination of psychos and their roles in contemporary society. Case studies include Chris Matthews, Tom Cruise, and Barney the Dinosaur.

Ancient Authors

A discussion of the most prolific and renowned classical writers and their legacies today. Such seminal figures include Tom Clancy, John Grisham, Dan Brown, and Jerry Springer.

Chuck Norris in Contemporary Life

A probe into the greatest figure of all space-time. Focus will be on why each of Chuck Norris’ biceps is bigger than the other, his ability to kill two stones with one bird, and his upcoming 61^th annual Total Gym TV special.

Scientological Studies 666

An introduction to mythology and its role in all other religions. We will consider why all other religions are wrong, and how to educate the mentally unstable, who refuse to accept the truth of scientology.

Geology 381: A Nation Divided

An inquiry into California’s recent break from the contiguous United States and the hope that New Jersey will follow—as soon as Camden, Newark, and Jersey City break from it.

Archaeology 105: Digging Deep

An experiential study of ancient artifacts and the means of excavating them. Special attention will be paid to the successful surfacing of Atlantis and the Titanic, as well as to the ongoing international search for Noah’s Ark, Indiana Jones’ grave, Morgan Freeman’s vocal cords, and Alex Trebek’s mustache.

Film 300 (James Brolin: An American Icon)

A study of the greatest actor of the last two millennia.

Americana 103: In Suspense

An immersion into the physics of Larry King’s suspenders. Studies will encompass the tension forces between Larry King and his suspenders, and how that physical tension manifests itself in society and the universe as a whole.

Biology 205: Modern Evolution

An inquiry into chickens, addressing how these animals have become the world’s most fearsome predators.

Management 400

Advanced training in managing a business from one’s shower.

Chemistry 211

Why Physics is wrong.

Physics 211

Why Chemistry is wrong.

Philosophy 211

Why Physics and Chemistry do not exist.

Philosophy 212: Existentialismanity

Students in this course will be encouraged to question the existence of Philosophy 212.

Classics 101: Dead Languages

A survey of the English language.

The Presidency

A study of past U.S. Presidents with an emphasis on personal character and triumph over adversity. Particular emphasis will be placed on the most important leader of the last half-century, Gary Busey.

New Majors:

-Walking

-iIDS

-Teleportation Studies

-Quantum Ping-Pong

-Cloning Studies

-Alienology

-iSewing

-iCooking

-iEating

-iDrinking

-iBreathing

-iSleeping

-iQuitting

Announcements:

-The philosophy department has officially doubted the existence of doubt.

-The management department has been placed under the control of iNet and will be taking over all other departments. The department head is rumored to be a machine with an Austrian accent.

-The psychology department has named Belvue alum I-Min-Sein the Charles Manson Professor of Psychosis.

-Masters Hall will be closing temporarily on account of its sinking into a black hole.

-The Science Center’s cancer research division is leaving Gettysburg because Chuck Norris cried.

-The History and Classics departments have decided to convert all the classrooms in Weidensall into iSwimming pools because the past is irrelevant. The Philosophy department has formally contested this action on the grounds that only relevance is irrelevant.

- The Italian department has been bought out by iPasta after an internal dispute between Mama Mia and Chef Boyardee.

-Interested in going abroad next semester? How about Mars? The OCS office will be showing a documentary on students’ trips to Mars called iTotalRecall. Contact Douglas Quaid for details.

-DPS has just declared Cloud Nine “Reserved Parking Only.”

Here’s to a wonderful new iYear!

Students awoke to surprising news this morning in the form of an e-mail from President Andrew Ferreira himself. According to Ferreira, “Hayden,” the mysterious force behind G-Tech for over fifty years, has identified himself as a robot. Rumors of Hayden’s true identity have circulated the student population for years, but no one would have guessed the mastermind of our Information Technology Department was anything other than human.

“I just assumed he was some nerdy hipster,” said one student. “He always signs his name with a lowercase ‘h’.”

The secret came out on Thursday evening, following a campus-wide network malfunction. The wireless network shut down for about four hours Thursday night, causing considerable outrage among the student population. When the network finally reset, Hayden reportedly received an overload of angry e-mails from impatient students.

Hayden allegedly responded to the e-mails with the following message:

“I apologize for any inconvenience tonight’s network malfunction may have caused. I sincerely hope the problem will not happen again, but I can’t make any promises. After all, I’m only robot.”

After further investigation, several employees at G-Tech have confirmed that Hayden is in fact a robot. President Andrew Ferreira declined to comment as to whether or not Hayden’s status as a robot would affect his employment package at Gettysburg College.

This past Monday, Senate recognized the Human Out-Reach Choir, or HOR Choir (pronounced whórë kweyer). The HOR Choir has been seeking Senate approval for the past 10 years and has gone to many extremes to do so. “I slept with someone on Senate one year,” said an anonymous member of the HOR Choir (Rebecca Summers), “people think ill of it, but it’s for a good cause. Don’t judge me.”

Another one of the HORs, Jason Cable, was quoted saying: “I’m glad to see people finally taking us seriously. We are all about human out-reach. And believe me, I cannot tell you just how many people I’ve reached out to. And touched,” Jason said whilst winking.

In their passing as an official club, they were also allotted a budget. Part of said budget request included: microphones, camera equipment, and various themed outfits for “choir purposes.” In the meeting, the HORs were quick to stress the importance they place on fundraising. “We just want to make as much money as possible doing what we love. And who we love. We’re not ashamed. We’re ready to make music in the best way we know.”

The Gettysburg HORs are also releasing a book in the coming months called: Condoms Etiquette: How Many Holes Are Too Many? Furthermore, as Gettysburg’s first HOR choir, they announced ideas of starting new events on campus. Some of which include: the Intramural Walk of Shame, Hook-up How-to Information Session, and their all campus event HOR Scores, where they invite the acapella groups to sing/sleep with them?

As Gettysburg’s latest addition to the extracurricular selection at our school, the HOR Choir is ready for primetime.

“We’re glad this dream finally came to fruition and we want everyone to know we are willing to please the student body in any way. Very willing.”

April 1, 2061

The looming silhouette of West Building, inhabiting the debris-addled fringe of Gettysburg College, has, for decades, served as wet nurse to debauchery and bedfellow of destruction. Those passersby, brave enough to venture out toward the desolate nether-regions of the campus, where now never a blue-light ominously glows, are often frightened by intense fits and bursts of laughter, shrill screams, and maddening fragments of the now memorialized Lady Gaga. No, a pre-2023 Tau Kappa Epsilon has not wound its way through time, to land squarely at Gettysburg’s edge. This building, for all of its foreboding import, is the home of G-Tech.

Given the recent global takeover by Steve Jobs’ Apple Corporation, few students are surprised that the area surrounding G-Tech has fallen into frenzied disrepair. The building, once a beacon of technological pride, has slunk back to find that it is still, as always, frustratingly inefficient.

“I’m just curious,” inquired Senior Ted Novak. “We have flying cars, free healthcare, robotic professors, and a German schnauzer as president,” he intoned angrily, “why are we STILL using G-Tech?”

Novak’s question is a good one, and agitated students across the campus have been flocking to Stine Lake to burn old Dell’s and HP’s in effigy, hoping that they can affect some response from Robo-Hayden.

“Well,” responded the charming humanoid, doffing his cowboy hat, “those at G-Tech believe that Gettysburg still needs an organization as arbitrary and irresponsible as the olden-day fraternities. We owe it to the student body, those cute and cuddly little 50,000,000 dollar tuition-payers, to provide the worst service that we can!”

In keeping with G-Tech’s new mantra, the College, under the leadership of President Andrew J. Ferreira, has decided to revert from wireless technology back to the ever-so-quaint dial-up days.

“We feel that the College is losing sight of its Lutheran roots,” explained Ferreira, “and um… well… dial-up will certain make us feel more… Lutheran.”

A stickler for tradition Ferreira and Robo-Hayden, working in consort with other members of the campus community, have replaced all operating systems in the library and the College Union Building with MS-DOS and, in an exceedingly impressive move, have managed to commandeer over 30,000 “clunker” computers from the Cuban government.

“This ain’t no rodeo pal,” shouted Jane Puglowski, one of many angry picketers parading around Hayden’s office. “Technological primitivism is like not using a condom because you think gravity will take care of the job, it just doesn’t work. People wait and wait and wait for the Internet on this campus, and it just never comes. Is there sanctity in anything anymore?”

Puglowski’s comment has been countered by numerous students on campus, who believe that the antiquated way of doing things is perhaps the best. Shockingly enough, most of these individuals hail from the Classics and History departments.

“Anything after 21 B.C.E.,” commented enthused Classicist Alex Skufca, “does not fly in my book. I prefer to be caressed by the gentle, albeit assertive, hand of Herodotus or, even better, the comforting, highly straightforward logic of Aristotle. I’m not worried,” continued Skufca, looking frantically around, “that I won’t be able to get a job either. Xerxes will help me out.”

As the world continues to technologically evolve, Gettysburg College can always rely on a healthy dose of delayed realism from G-Tech. Whether or not it’s an issue with your computer, or a general malady of the Internet, all campus-goers need only abide by the sign on the first floor of West Building: “Don’t stop believing, hold on to that feeling.”

Apple, owner of Gettysburg College, released a new iTouch and iPhone application today just in time for this year’s formal sorority recruitment. The app is iSister, a newly formulated method to recruit freshman girls into the Greek system. With this new app, rotationals are a thing of the past. Using iSister, the sorority sisters and the potential new members don’t even need to meet.

“iSister allows us to stalk the girls we want, friend them using a Facebook-like interface, then offer them bids electronically through the app. It’s so much easier than the old way of doing it,” said a sister in one of Gettysburg’s most recent sororities, Iota Pi Omicron Delta, colloquially referred to as iPod. “We just plug in the traits we want in one of our sisters and then it gives us a list of matches.”

For example, if a sorority types in “straight A’s,” “blonde hair,” or “drunken mess,” iSister will provide them with appropriate matches pulling information straight from their profiles as well as inferring characteristics from provided information. If a girl says in her profile, “likes to go on morning walks,” iSister conveniently reads between the lines and places her in the “likes to sleep around – or whore” category. The input, “enjoys acting as a liaison between freshman dorms and the various fraternal establishments,” is translated to “likes to get blackout on weeknights.”

iSister goes beyond the recruitment process as well, with the automatic electronic hazing feature. All new pledges will be rhetorically abused via text message and Facebook wall until initiation.

“It’s really convenient,” said a senior iPod sister. “It comments ‘fatty’ on every profile picture of the girl. It’s so handy because I don’t have to copy and paste every time.”

The iSister app is in its trial run with Gettysburg Greek life this year and hopefully will be instated nationwide within the next few years.



Everybody knows Waldo. The stripped-shirt, lanky, blue-jean clad savant, whose bulbous eyes tended to undress even the chastest of churchgoers, dominated the lives of our grandparents in the late 80s and early 90s. The ageless teen, who perfected the art of espionage during the Cold War and, to some modern scholars, tramped across India as a wayward troubadour in the greatest Bollywood performance of 2023, has recently been rediscovered in Norway.

Hard times have often visited the character, but none so harsh as the recent onslaught of unemployment and jeers from post-modernists who have consistently criticized  Waldo’s once high-quality work, a situation only complicated by his fiendish cocaine addiction and unrelenting nymphomania.

“I don’t know, man,” proclaimed a drug-addled Waldo, sprawled spread-eagle on the floor of his seedy hotel room in Oslo. “It’s like, a God-wolf came to me, man, and told me that, like, this is what I had to do. I had to find those ruins man, to piece together a life in Denmark (he meant Norway) and, you know, finally step out of my obscure background.”

Although Waldo’s words were slurred, and, as he reached for a half-empty bottle of Nyquil conveniently super-glued to his left palm, became exceedingly incoherent, his message was all too clear.

“Don’t go chasing waterfalls,” Waldo stated solemnly. “Really man, just don’t do it. I remember when I dropped some peyote in Honolulu with a real standup prostitute named Victor from Des Moines, those were the days. I got too close man, almost lost it all, almost had to sell,” he continued in between sobs, “my red shirt. You know how much that means to me?”

Waldo was found half-naked in an Oslo hotel room on March 31^st, sleeping soundly with a Danish man named Hanz. His nightstand was cluttered with drug paraphernalia and one lone photograph of a visit to Berlin, where he was doing what he did best- trolling.

“I don’t know what you mean,” said Hanz. “I just came in to clean the room and next thing I know, there was a seamless transition and then…then here I was. In it all.”

One thing is certain, Waldo has a long road ahead of him. Like any comeback story, it begins with strapping on your riding shoes, stuffing your lithe body into that stripped-red shirt, and going partying with three random New Jerseyians in Mykonos. It just begins with a step, a step and then a stride, a stride and then a slightly awkward, frightening furtive stalk, a stalk and then a prowl.

An extraordinary event occurred on campus yesterday afternoon that is keeping Gettysburg students talking.  As Tau Kappa Epsilon was conducting its annual Easter Egg Hunt, some brothers noticed smoke coming from a tree near the Admissions Office.  After a girl screamed, “My kitty’s up there!” the brothers ran over to help.  Witnesses say that the men constructed a human ladder to get up the tree, and relied on the sound of the kitten’s meowing to locate it amid the smoke.

DPS quickly arrived on the scene and found the kitten scared, but unhurt.  The brothers had already constructed a makeshift bed for the poor stray animal.  When asked why the men had made the brave decision to climb into the flaming tree, TKE President Earl Goolahee stated, “We are a family. It’s our duty to help all creatures of this earth.”

TKE, recognized as the campus’s leading fraternity ever since the chapter re-colonized in 2022, has already announced its intention to adopt the kitten.  The brothers have pledged to remain dry for the rest of semester, to allow the young cat to adjust comfortably in its new home.

This superior act of kindness is especially welcome at a time when many are losing faith in the Greek community. Just last month, rumors surfaced that rogue Sigma Nu pledges were the culprits behind the defacing of the Steve Jobs statue; damages have been estimated to cost upwards of five billion. The fraternity has already been on probation this semester for excessive hazing and for stealing boxes of country jumbo sausage links from Servo.