Humor » April Fools

By Alex Thompson

Living in a post-war world is a very scary prospect for the people of Gettysburg College. Caught in the period of a year-long limbo from when the war ended to the signage of the Treaty of Servo, the people of Gettysburg essentially went leaderless from the time that Katherine Haley Will had been forced to abdicate. Their monarchial ...

By Sebastian DiNatale

In a sad turn of events today, Professor of Religion Stephen Stern called a press conference to announce a recent loss to the campus community.

“It is with deep regret and grave sorrow that my two children beagles, Sparky and Little, have gone missing for three days now. I have tried everything within my power to ...

By Audra Foster

With the recent negative twist of events in the economy, businesses have had to turn to drastic measures to keep the customers coming in—particularly eating establishments. One spokesperson from Gettysburg College’s own Bullet Hole commented that “people would rather starve than buy at Bullet because they’re so afraid of running out of declining dollars, because they don’t have ...

By Audra Foster

Despite the fact that Gettysburg is, in fact, a land-locked little town, several members of its community have felt the need to turn to piracy to supplement their swifly decreasing monetary income. Most notably, The Gettysburg Pirate Orchestra, that charming band of instrument playing professors and townsfolk, has become a rugged crew of weapon-wielding buccaneers creatively known as ...

By Brian Englesma

Gettysburg Sophomore Richard “Dick” Aime returned to campus this week after a run at the Scripps National Spelling Bee championship. Richard was thrown out of the bee by school officials in the fourth round after they discovered he violated the competition’s eligibility requirements. Typically contestants to the spelling bee are in middle school, with those with a either ...

By Sebastian DiNatale

Gettysburg College took yet another hit financially as it spirals deeper into what economists are labeling a “black hole of debt”. As more and more employees are laid off and students’ scholarships taken away, it appears no one seems to be doing well in such a dismal economic state. Unless, of course, you’re Rod Tosten.

Despite horrible financial woes, ...

By Alex Thompson

It was a sad day for all students when the news came out only a mere few hours ago. Everywhere fraternities and theme houses are lowering their flags to half mast and students wore all black and spent the entire day in mourning. The recession has hit everyone hard and in these difficult and uncertain times, the ...

By Josh Carmel

The Health Center has served as a proverbial glimmer of clarity during this tumultuous economic recession. As a body composed of stalwart professionals, capable of providing reliable medical advice for marginal monetary compensation, it remained essentially untainted by fiscal strife, until this unfortunate nadir. No institution, however venerable, can escape the small niches of necessity, and, at long ...

Here is a link if you want to visit our site as it was on April 1, 2010.

April Fools 2010

By The Forum Staff

Here, various people ask for the help, guidance, and wisdom of Dino “Da Chuch” Zamboni

Dear Dino,

I am a high school kid trying to get a girl to go on a date with me. I’m shy sometimes and I don’t think she notices me… What do I do?

Jon Thompson 18 Pubescent Teen

Bro, U lucked out. if broad slayin ...