Humor » April Fools

By Alex McComas

What happens to the sexually starved college student when the funds run low? What happens when the financial and pleasure bereft student finds they can no longer afford an hour and a half’s entertainment? What happens, the world questions with sore curiosity, when the teen cannot get what they most greatly desire?

What happens, the awful question looms, when ...

By The Forum Staff

By Colleen Cable

Forget your grandma’s tea parties. The “tea parties” held by the new club on campus, the Tea Party Club, are large protests against the school and the government. The club is an official branch of the national Tea Party Movement, known for its fiscal conservatism and libertarian ideals. The club was established in reaction to Gettysburg College’s “socialist ...

By Alex Thompson

Living in a post-war world is a very scary prospect for the people of Gettysburg College. Caught in the period of a year-long limbo from when the war ended to the signage of the Treaty of Servo, the people of Gettysburg essentially went leaderless from the time that Katherine Haley Will had been forced to abdicate. Their monarchial ...

By Sebastian DiNatale

In a sad turn of events today, Professor of Religion Stephen Stern called a press conference to announce a recent loss to the campus community.

“It is with deep regret and grave sorrow that my two children beagles, Sparky and Little, have gone missing for three days now. I have tried everything within my power to ...

By Audra Foster

With the recent negative twist of events in the economy, businesses have had to turn to drastic measures to keep the customers coming in—particularly eating establishments. One spokesperson from Gettysburg College’s own Bullet Hole commented that “people would rather starve than buy at Bullet because they’re so afraid of running out of declining dollars, because they don’t have ...

By Audra Foster

Despite the fact that Gettysburg is, in fact, a land-locked little town, several members of its community have felt the need to turn to piracy to supplement their swifly decreasing monetary income. Most notably, The Gettysburg Pirate Orchestra, that charming band of instrument playing professors and townsfolk, has become a rugged crew of weapon-wielding buccaneers creatively known as ...

By Brian Englesma

Gettysburg Sophomore Richard “Dick” Aime returned to campus this week after a run at the Scripps National Spelling Bee championship. Richard was thrown out of the bee by school officials in the fourth round after they discovered he violated the competition’s eligibility requirements. Typically contestants to the spelling bee are in middle school, with those with a either ...

By Sebastian DiNatale

Gettysburg College took yet another hit financially as it spirals deeper into what economists are labeling a “black hole of debt”. As more and more employees are laid off and students’ scholarships taken away, it appears no one seems to be doing well in such a dismal economic state. Unless, of course, you’re Rod Tosten.

Despite horrible financial woes, ...

By Alex Thompson

It was a sad day for all students when the news came out only a mere few hours ago. Everywhere fraternities and theme houses are lowering their flags to half mast and students wore all black and spent the entire day in mourning. The recession has hit everyone hard and in these difficult and uncertain times, the ...