Ask A Guido

By The Forum Staff

Here, various people ask for the help, guidance, and wisdom of Dino “Da Chuch” Zamboni

Dear Dino,

I am a high school kid trying to get a girl to go on a date with me. I’m shy sometimes and I don’t think she notices me… What do I do?

Jon Thompson
18
Pubescent Teen

Bro,
U lucked out. if broad slayin was a sport, I’d be Michael Phelps, cept I rip more bongs!!!! HA! newayz u gotta follow da Dino Zamboni 3 Step Plan. If u do, ull get so many broads tryin 2 hang off ya nob u won’t even no wut 2 do wit urself no more. Dont undastand? Allow me to clarificate:

Step 1 – U gellin? No, not Dr. Scholls, bro! I’m talkin bout ya hair style!!!!! U gotta gel that shit reel good, like a bom went off in ya fucking skull and ur hair is the shockwaves, but spikes insted.

Step 2 – Get huge. Broads melt for pecs, arms and tans. Pop said God had arms so sick n tan, the virgin mary got nocked up wit jesus just lookin at em. Let dat be a lesson.

Step 3 – u can never wear too much Armani Exchange. Bro, it’s Armani, what else can i say? Ladies love that n it makes u look classy as shit. Don’t forget ya wife beater!

Hello Dino,
I’ve recently been laid off after 15 years at the same advertising firm, and I never really had to do social networking; but, given the current economic conditions, I feel it would be good to learn. Do you have pointers on how to grab the attention of some potential employers?

Barbara Ferring
35
Recently Laid Off

Barbie,
Make a sick mySpace page. Throw a sick beat in da background and all ur pics gotta have u flashin a side ways peace sign. Or da fingah. You ain’t got no udda options. Dont forget to pucker up dose lips, Barbie!!!!! Also, since ur a girl, u prob need pics of u at da shore in ur bikini or else no1 cares. Ull get hired so fast ull think ur new boss was drinkin redbull vodkas!!!!!

Hi Dino,
I’ve always been curious– why are you called “Da’ Chuch”?

Dani Lencioni
19
Student

Miss Dani,
Thats 4 my bros to no, n my hos to find out. Wuts good 2nite????????? Hit me up on my myspace: DiNo1Italian
P.S. Wuts dat some kinda boys name or sumtin?
Dear Dino,
I’ve recently been appointed Secretary of the Treasury, and I have to say, it’s a lot tougher than I thought it would be. I’ve tried my hardest to reach out to both Wall Street and Main Street, but it would already appear that I have no credibility, given my position as President of the Federal Reserve and that whole tax evasion thing… As somebody who has effectively marketed yourself, do you have any advice for me?

Timothy Geithner
47
Treasury Secretary of the United States of America

Geithner? U jewish? Fuck dat.