Rocked for months by the announcement that incumbent Political Science Chairman Robert Bohrer would be stepping down at the end of this term, the halls of Glatfelter have been filled with whispers of who would take the helm on the third floor. Long considered a shoe-in for re-election, the void left by Professor Bohrer, who has seen his approval ratings rise dramatically after opening up the Political Science lounge 24 hours, has opened up tremendous jockeying for position by various personalities both inside and outside the department.

“You know, man, I haven’t made up my mind either way on this one. I just want to listen to the people right now and hear what they have to say about the Department, the College, and our country,” said Professor Bruce Larson, a long rumored candidate for the post, at a recent luncheon in the Lyceum.

“I think we’ve got a lot of hurdles in the coming months and years, and need an experienced chair to run the show. Is that me? I don’t know, maybe,” added Larson, grabbing some indeterminate object on his chest.

Not so says the only declared candidate in the race, unemployed Ph.D. Thaddeus McCoy, a recent graduate of The Ohio State University. “What Gettysburg College needs is a fresh perspective, with that we can free the school from the chains of oppression, repression and depression,” said McCoy at a recent fundraiser at Olivia’s Mediterranean Restaurant.

“I’m the only candidate who can offer a break from the past. How long the students wanted Kool-Aid in the drinking fountain? Real long, that’s how long. That’s the first thing I’ll do, give the students their Kool-Aid, and that’s just the start.” Other ideas presented by McCoy included buying a department dog to help teach the value of responsibility, turning the lounge into a game room, and “optional Wednesdays.”

“Everybody’s waiting to hear what Larson does,” says GBurg TV political correspondent Dave Debor, “that man could really be a game changer, but let’s not pull out the crown for a coronation just yet. It’s well known that Professor Larson has trouble connecting with first years not accustomed to his blind idealism and optimism, so he’d have to run up some big margins in Apple and Quarry to win this thing.”

Even so, the man many consider to be the last best hope for the Political Science Department shows no signs of stress or apprehension. “Things are finally going great for me, the Packers won the Super Bowl, there’s plenty of snow up at Ski Liberty, life is about as perfect as it can be.  There’s nothing I love more than talking with students and faculty about the future of this department. I’m taking things one day at a time now, just happy to be here.”

Some two years ago, the fateful decision to end Crabfest and turn the annual event into a more general ‘Oceanfest’ was made. Crabs were, as a result, stricken from the menu in favor of other sea dwelling delicacies like lobster and shrimp. However, the effects of this decision not only reverberated throughout the student body, but in the oceanic world as well.

In the wake of the decision to stop hauling truckloads of crabs into the festival for the enjoyment of the student population, crabs of the Commonwealth of the Chesapeake Seafloor suddenly found themselves in the midst of a startling epidemic. Crabfest, which had previously acted as a cruel but necessary population control for crabs of the famous Maryland bay area, was no longer a factor in slowing the rapidly expanding crustacean population. As birth rates remained steady, the harvesting of crabs ceased and the population began to bloat to unsafe, and economically disastrous, levels.

One year after the end of Crabfest, the effects of the baby boom on crustacean population were subtly noticeable. The first signs of the urbanization movement began to show as many crabs began migrating to the metropolitan areas of the Commonwealth. In search of lower-income housing and employment opportunities, the crabs that did head into the cities were unaware of how much of a struggle life would become.

Now, at present day (a full two years after the end of Crabfest), the cities have become wild nests of overpopulated housing projects and vagrant, homeless crabs. The unemployment rate has risen from 8.2% to a whopping 22.9%, and shows no signs of slowing in the near future.

The times do indeed look dire for our crustacean friends:

·     Social Security payments have been slashed 7% to support the baby boom generation.

·     Homelessness has risen 11.9% due to a lack of adequate housing.

·     The stock market has collapsed as a result of consumer insecurity, and Stocks in the Crustacean Exchange have lost an average of 63% of their original value.

·     Income on average has fallen 14% and loans are harder than ever to get.

·     The Commonwealth of the Chesapeake Bay Seafloor has been in a legitimate economic recession for the last six quarters, and the seventh looks to continue the trend.

When asked about his thoughts on the future, a crab who asked to remain anonymous stated, “The times now sure look bleak, but the hope of our Commonwealth to resurrect itself remains strong”. Another crab responded to the economic stimulus package being proposed to try to turn the fortunes of the Commonwealth around, “The Democrabs are really pushing for this bill, and while I see the potential, it is simply putting more money into the hands of greedy corporate financiers who will put the working class to ruins at this rate”.

The Republicrab opposition to the bill is expected, but a bipartisan effort will be necessary to pull the Commonwealth out of its current tailspin. At the moment, there is a major food shortage in the Commonwealth, and politicrabs have done little to abate the frightening conditions. The housing situation is no better, as settlements much like Hoovervilles have been set up in the suburban areas immediately surrounding most cities in the Commonwealth.

Social unrest has recently become a legitimate concern, and increased gang violence has become a disheartening signal of the changing times. No one could have guessed that the end of Crabfest would have such drastic effects, and yet it seems to have wreaked more havoc than this society could handle. Well adapted to the annual population control of Crabfest, the Commonwealth decided to make unlawful any form of birth control under the guide of the new, conservative senate. However, despite recent events, the legislature has been slow to overturn the acts to help ameliorate the rising birth rate. While politicrabs sit deadlocked in opposition as to how to solve or at least ease the crisis, the populace is left to suffer.

With little signs for hope, the Commonwealth of the Chesapeake Seafloor can only claw for an imminent solution to the constantly deteriorating conditions.

It has come to the attention of several Gettysburg College students that a population of rogue woodland creatures is on the rise around campus.  Since the beginning of the semester, innumerable numbers of squirrels have been sighted nearly everywhere on campus, which is typically not an uncommon sight for early autumn in Pennsylvania. However, this fall many students have noticed unusual behaviors in the normally pristine creatures that surround the College.

Three first-year girls on the ground floor of Paul Hall were studying in their dorm last Wednesday when they head a strange noise that sounded “like a duck being slaughtered.” Peeking outside their window, they were shocked to see a gray squirrel running up and down a tree, making said noises. It is important to note that squirrels communicate to each other through these kinds of shrill sounds, which have different meanings depending on the pitch and the length. For example, based on the girls’ account of the sound pattern we can conclude that this gray squirrel was saying, “Larry! Don’t scavenge for Servo cookies tomorrow, it’s a trap!” In the same week an anonymous student caught a picture on his cell phone of a hawk eating a very similar gray squirrel; experts say this squirrel might be the aforementioned “Larry.”

Numerous other SUS (Strangely Unnerving Squirrel) sightings have occurred, including but not limited to outbreaks of violent squirrel riots on Stine Lake, midnight squirrel raves in campus trashcans, and two cases of waterskiing squirrels on the pond next to the Quarry.

Gettysburg College has dealt with some instances of rising woodland culture in the past, the most famous being the thespian-wannabe bat in the Kline Theater known commonly as “Radar.” Radar has been reported to spontaneously fly through the rafters during dress rehearsals for shows; it seems he has quite the stage presence. In addition, upperclassmen living at Quarry have discovered a creature named “Badger Friend,” a smiling animal that roams around their dorms frequently. It is unclear if Radar and Badger Friend have any connection to the local squirrel uprising.

Many students, especially the first-years, love the booming squirrel population. Unfortunately, if the strange behaviors continue, DPS is required to contact local Animal Control. Nuts, right?

In a recent, completely unsolicited, announcement, Gettysburg College has declared the creation of a new, more scholarly, major. This major, unlike any other on campus, will publicize the College’s resplendent motto, Do Great Work, and by virtue of its position has been labeled the Great Works Major. Below are some corresponding details.

Courses offered by the Great Work Studies Department

GWS 101: Introduction to Great Works

A basic overview of the basic understandings and theories of Great Works. Course defines the three aspects of Great Works (leadership, diversity, and service) and spends equal time exploring the concepts of each.

GWS/FYS 102: Great People and Their Great Works

A course offered to first-year students that highlights various famous individuals and their advancements to the field of Great Works. Focuses on the impacts that their efforts have caused.

GWS 103: Understanding Leadership

This course explains what leadership is defined as in our modern society. Core material includes opportunities to experience leadership hands-on through community engagement.

GWS 104: Conceptual Diversity

This introductory course explains what it means to be diverse and how societies can pursue greater acceptance of others. Class instruction will be supplemented by various film lab sessions to follow up lecture material.

GWS 215: Great Work Methods

Mandatory course for all majors. This course provides detailed analysis of the statistical and critical analysis skills needed to understand the effects that Great Works have in a variety of scenarios.

GWS 224: Engaged Citizenship in the Modern World

This 200 level topics course looks at what it means to be an active participant in an emerging and evolving world.  Students will be required to engage their communities as a course component.  Fulfills the Community & Global Leadership concentration.

GWS 237: Excellence and Multiculturalism

GWS 237 looks at the role that multicultural individuals have played in the world as a result of their differences.  Students will learn how to interact with people of other origins and be excellent while doing so.

Fulfills the Broadening Diversity concentration.

GWS 241: Servicing Society

Students concentrating on the Service and Society track will explore multiple ways to bring happiness to members of the community in this course.  Hands-on and physical activity is the main focus of this experiential class.  Course meets from 1:00AM to 3:00AM on the corner of Stevens and N. Washington St.  Fulfills the Service & Society concentration.

GWS 249: Becoming a Community Role Model

With the emerging importance of positive role models being needed, students will study the various individuals who have achieved this status.  Readings by Janet Riggs, Morgan Freeman, and Ms. Lindsay will be utilized.  Fulfills the Community & Global Leadership concentration.

GWS 268: Leveling Social Injustice

Students will get a first person account of ending tyranny and injustice by participating in protest movements. Past initiatives included the Black Panthers and the defeat of Bowser in Level 5 of Super Mario Bros.  Fulfills the Broadening Diversity concentration.

GWS 284: Advanced Analysis of Service

For students seeking to enhance their skills from GWS Methods, GWS 284 explores quantitative concepts of and advanced analyses of Great Works.  Prerequisite: Statistics I.  Fulfills the Service & Society concentration.

GWS 324: Corporate Leadership

Course is focused on current world business leaders. A study of implementation of business strategy, leadership, and management skills in the modern era.

GWS 337: Poverty in Adams County

A specific look at how one of the nation’s most pressing problems is affecting the local area of Adams County. Course will entail the devising of a long-term solution to ending local poverty and implementing the plan’s first stages. Tutoring at El Centro or other local civics is required.

GWS 341: Motivating Your Community

A course devoted to embracing community values and molding them into services and civics for the town. Attention will be given to sustainable development and how to engage a diverse population. Volunteering in the town of Gettysburg is required.

GWS 349: Comparative Leadership: From Mao Ze Dong to Adolf Hitler to Barack Obama

A more in-depth course which looks at specific case studies of world leaders from the past century. Careful attention is placed on strategies that worked and didn’t work for these leaders and events that were of crucial importance in their careers. Goal of this course is to help future leaders be more successful by understanding past successes and failures.

GWS/ HIST 356: Global History

Required for the major. This course gives a broad historical overview from the Agricultural Revolution to the present. The goal of the course is to deepen understanding of historical events and how they have shaped modern leadership, diversity, and society.

GWS 368: Expanding Diversity through Writing

A course which allows the individual to take a more hands-on approach towards Great Works. Focus on building writing skills for letters, position papers, and informative texts. Site-based projects for the ACLU, NAACP, and other civil liberty organizations will be required. English 101 is a prerequisite.

GWS/IDS 384: Independent Service Project

This course is designed for students who have demonstrated an interest in a specific service project locally or worldwide and would like to expand their knowledge of the topic by completing fieldwork. This can be in the form of an unpaid internship, volunteer  opportunity, or a guided course by a faculty member.

GWS 400: Seminar

This is a capstone project course for senior Great Work Studies majors who have completed all requirements for the major. The topic of the course changes by semester and will culminate with two group projects focusing on diversity and service and one individual project focusing on leadership.

GWS 450: Individualized Study

This is for more focused Great Work Studies majors who wish to complete an independent project which focuses on service, diversity, and leadership. The project will focus on a topic of choice by the student which is approved by a faculty member. This course is only available to seniors who have completed all the requirements for the major and who are in good academic standing.

GWS 477: Great Work and the College Presidency

This is a specialty course which can count as a 300-level topics course for majors or as credit towards certain graduate schools. Focus will be on the problems and decisions of the presidents of Gettysburg College from Charles Phillip Krauth to Janet Morgan Riggs. Some attention will be given to other colleges nation wide and the actions of their presidents.

GREAT WORK STUDIES MAJOR CHECK SHEET

Name___________________________

I. Introduction Courses

____________

____________                       3 courses from among 101, 102, 103, 104

____________

II. ____________    GWS 215 Methods

III. ____________       One course at the 200-level from each different concentration:

____________      Community & Global Leadership ______

____________      Broadening Diversity _____    Service & Society ______

IV. ____________      GWS/HIST 356 Global History

V. ____________       One topics course at the 300-level

VI. ____________     One 400-level capstone course

Electives                                              Requirements Remaining

Total Courses Required    _____10____

Total Courses for average ___________

Quality Points                   ___________

Major Average                  ___________

GWS.01

4/10

For more information, please visit the official Gettysburg College website.

I have a few theories about this snow, because there’s no way it’s natural. There’s a higher power at work here. There has to be. This is Pennsylvania, people, not Michigan. Not Massachusetts or Maine or Minnesota or any other state beginning with the letter ‘M’ where it typically snows a lot during the winter months. Pennsylvania begins with a ‘P,’ for Please Stop With the Fucking Snow Already. We are too close to the Mason-Dixon line for this kind of weather to be acceptable, which also seems to be why no one knows how to deal with it. Maybe I’m paranoid. Maybe none of these theories are probable. But how sure can you be?

THEORY #1: God’s Will

I found this little passage lying around in a cryptic old tome called “The Bible:”

“In the beginning, God created Gettysburg College. On the first day, God made the campus, the fields and lakes and grass and trees, and God saw that they were good. On the second day, God made the buildings, Servo and Breidenbaugh and Schmucker and Glatfelter, and He saw that they were good as well. On this day He also talked several alumni into paying for several more buildings because He ran out of money to build them Himself. On the third day, God hired people to work on the campus, to teach and maintain and facilitate to the best of their abilities. And God saw that this was very good. On the fourth day, God invited students to come and live at Gettysburg College, but they didn’t want to come. So, on the fifth day, God made the fraternities, and gave them lots of booze, so that the students would come to Gettysburg College. The students came to Gettysburg College, and they went to the fraternities, and they were happy, and God was happy, and everything was good. But on the sixth day, seeing the mess the students left behind, and having been up all night because of the drunk students, God saw that it was bad. He decided he’d have to get rid of Gettysburg College entirely.

Here’s where the story gets a little trickier. He tried to drown Gettysburg College with a flood first, but the students proved too resilient, and survived by building Snowah’s Ark. Since He was also getting really sick of everyone blathering on about global warming anyway, God decided to make it snow. And it snowed. And snowed. And snowed. And snowed. And too quickly Gettysburg College was buried in snow. The fields and the grass and trees and lakes were frozen. The buildings lost power and began to leak and creak from the sheer amount of snow. The fraternities were so covered in snow that God couldn’t hear the pounding music and violent shrieking of the inhabitants anymore. The students either froze solid or entered a semi-permanent state of hibernation.

And God saw that it was good, and He was pleased.”

THEORY #2: SNOWPOCALYPSE

The world is supposed to end in 2012 anyway, right? So the weather’s a little ahead of schedule. Maybe this is just the beginning. But it’s entirely likely that, contrary to popular belief that the globe is heating up due to the destruction of the ozone layer, we’re all going to slowly freeze into oblivion. As the poet Robert Frost put it,

“Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I’ve tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To know that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice. “

Suffice it to say, the day after tomorrow could be our last, thanks to all this fucking snow.

THEORY #3: “Always winter but never Christmas”

The White Witch, Queen Jadis, from the T.S. Lewis’ Chronicles of Narnia somehow found her way onto this plane of existence and has trapped our world in an everlasting winter. Except the bitch, besides having no reason to keep us in this seasonal stasis, keeps throwing out sunny days, with temperatures in the high 60s and even 70s, allowing the timid plants to put forth weak sprouts and blossoms, and the pale, debilitated students to put on shorts and t-shirts, before plunging everything back into this winter fucking wonderland.

THEORY #4: Freak Accident

When the snow first started, it was so mild and cute that I instantly assumed it wasn’t real snow at all, but an accident with a washing machine or several that culminated in an explosion of soap powder that coated the entire campus. It was sweet and pretty, like frosting. Maybe it was frosting, and the accident didn’t occur in the laundry room but in the kitchen. The giant tub of frosting that we all know they keep in the back could have leaked out overnight and oozed out all over Gettysburg. Either way, it happened in either the laundry room or the kitchen, so we know it had to be a woman’s fault.

THEORY #5: The Snow Gods Are PISSED

Somehow, we pissed off Jack Frost, and this is his revenge. Only solution? Sacrifice some virgins. Guess we’re fucked.

Family game night, an American tradition–nothing defines the American Dream quite like a good old fashioned family game night, right?. That was the attitude that many members of the Holiday House, a theme house in the Tudor Apartments, took with them lasy Sunday evening as they convened in the family room for the weekly tradition.

Controversy quickly erupted as house mates bickered over what game to play. Tyler Geer argued that Cranium would bring the most fun to all participants, and doesn’t take all night like some other games. Carolyn Buschel was quick to point that Cranium was played last week, and that instead a friendly game of Apples to Apples would make more sense. Tyler quickly wrote off this idea, declaring Apples to Apples a “boring, silly game.”

After Carolyn threatened to return to her room because everyone was “being really mean” to her, House Leader Dick stepped in to restore order. Attempting to find a solution that everyone could agree with, Dick ssuggested that Liz choose the game, as her birthday was closest. With that Liz quickly chose her preferred game, Twilight Scene It. Several members of the house complained that they had never seen Twilight, so they were at a distinct disadvantage. Dick reasoned that then teams may be in order, with each team having a Twilight enthusiast and a Twilight beginner.

All house members agreed that this made the most sense, and the game was started. Thankfully no dispute emerged over which teams controlled which game pieces, and after rolling for the highest number the team of Liz and Tyler were allowed to go first. Rolling a five and getting a fate card, Liz exclaimed, “Aww man, a fate card.” The fate card allowed them to move forward an additional space.

Next up was the team of Carolyn and Caleb. Everyone was curious how this team would perform, their chemistry was called “questionable,” by Tyler, which prompted Carolyn to tell him to “shutup,” and “act his age, not his shoe size.” After picking up the die, Tyler rolled a three and got a video question. The question was open to all members of the house to answer. The players quickly learned that they would need to identify who said the quote in question. The screen flashed the quote, a question asking Bella how the new kids at school were treating her. Several teams seemed quite flustered, shouting out any answer that came to mind. “Edward!,” “Charlie,” “Mike,” exclaimed different members of the house, before Liz had a brain surge, yelling that “It was Bella’s mom!” Prompting to Caleb to say “Renee.”

The screen flashed the answer, and the answer was in fact Renee Swan, the mother of Bella. Both Liz and Caleb claimed that they had gotten it correct first, Caleb relying on the fact that he got the name right, while Liz pointed out that she had the character right, and that he never would of gotten it right if she had not answered. The argument raged back and forth, and no end seemed to be in sight, so Dick stepped in to cool the tension.

“Guys, it’s getting kind of late, maybe we should just call the game until another time,” Dick proposed, “and besides, I need to use the restroom.” Upon hearing this Carolyn realized that she too needed to use the restroom, and Tyler remarked that he had not eaten yet, and was getting kind of hungry. With that the whole house agreed to call this game night a little bit early.

Gettysburg College – Office of the President

Authorized Document: 3345

January 22, 2010

Convert The Commons to a Meth Lab

Administrative Prostitution

Abraham Lincoln Burlesque Show

Pay for Admission to Servo

Establish an Arcade

Establish a Petting Zoo

Resume the Ancient Art of Alchemy

Elaborate Ponzi Scheme

File for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy and Subsequently Receive a Government Bailout

Glenn Beck

Become a Sponsor of Hard-Hit Lead-Based Products

Grand-Theft Auto

Create a “Burglary” Major

Sell Student Bodies to Science

Invite Conan O’Brien to Host His New Show on Campus

Invest in Slightly Inappropriate Eastern Pornography

Invite Indiana Jones to Speak on Campus (After Determining that He Indeed Exists)

The air was tight as the two grave Italians, glaring capo to capo, carefully chose their words. “I know you have the basil,” Paul declared, leader of the DiSalvo family here at Gettysburg. Sebastian of the DiNatale family, easily the more notorious name on campus, carefully replied, “I don’t have it… But I know who does.” These grave circumstances marked the climax of the treacherous Basil War.

Just two hours before, DiSalvo had emerged from his room to report a terrible misdeed; his prized possession, a thriving shoot of basil, the very symbol of the DiSalvo family honor, had disappeared. The first accusation made was a daring one. Turning to all witnesses in the hall at that fateful hour, DiSalvo accused, “It was Sebastian. Sebastian stole my basil!”

Paul DiSalvo had begun his rise to Italian power some time before this point as, on the day of the activities fair, Sebastian DiNatale declared him, effectively, vice president of his small student mafia, The Italian Club. As part of the pact, sprouts of basil where ‘obtained’ to seal the deal. Said stems of basil where to be used in the peaceable operation of cooking an Italian dinner, but things turned awry. It seemed that the peace forged by DiSalvo and DiNatale’s co leadership could only last so long.

DiNatale, unable to keep his own sprig of basil alive, had hidden away this shame from the public. However, his up and coming apprentice was doing exceptionally better in this mission, evidenced by his own basil not only surviving after 2 or more weeks in a water bottle, but also by the roots it had now sprouted. The DiNatale shame was not hidden for long as DiSalvo boldly proclaimed to the masses this compromising truth. It seemed that DiSalvo was not only going to try and usurp leadership of the business, but denounce the powerful and fearsome name of DiNatale as well. The latter had no comments at that time. Yet it is obvious now that, in true Italian fashion, he was instead planning a most terrible assault on the family DiSalvo.

Waiting for DiNatale to return for questioning, DiSalvo left an ominous note on DiNatale’s door to return the hostage basil plant, threatening that if it were not returned, Capo DiNatale would be “sleeping with the fishes.” What came next was the gravest insult DiSalvo could give – signing his first name to the note, DiSalvo added spitefully: “Capo di tutti capi,” essentially, “Boss of all bosses.” To seal the threat, a picture of a horse-head was slid under the door. When DiNatale returned to behold these offenses, the air was ripe with mottled words and curses.

“Capo di tutti capi? No! No! I’ll give you capo di tutti capi! Besides, I don’t have it!” Onlookers watched as the two men stood silently watching each other for the next move. DiSalvo, with a wry smirk upon his lips, would only calmly insist, “Where is it? I know you have it.”

In short, the horse-head was discovered and regarded with repulsion. The battle continued behind hushed doors, at this point, in an attempt to escape further media interest. Trying to make quick peace of the situation and throw the blame from himself, DiNatale promised an arrangement that the mysterious marauder, whom he insisted had committed the crime, would return the basil plant outside DiSalvo’s door in 10 minutes. At the arranged time, the basil was indeed returned in good condition from an innocent (and confused) bystander. DiSalvo would not be so easily appeased.

The final confrontation beget the truth. DiNatale in frustration finally admitted his wrong doing. He had, indeed, stolen the plant of basil from DiSalvo’s room, perhaps jealous of the successful Italian. The Basil War, it seemed, could come to an end. DiSalvo left in disgust, but gave his forgiveness.

Yet, as he returned to his room where a small group of his followers waited, he muttered his vendetta; “This isn’t over. I’m going to get back at Sebastian for this. Just watch.”

Ladies and gentlemen, hear my tale of woe. It seems that the administration has yet again quashed the freedoms and liberties America supposedly grants us in our Constitution. A few weeks ago a man was banned from Gettysburg College after allegedly perusing an art form dating back to 900 B.C. An art form which just happens to be vital to the structure of society, as it was the driving force behind almost every Renaissance-period art revolution. A form of art which results in the greatest viewing pleasure man can possibly experience.

Pornography (or porn as it is referred to) is defined as “an exposition of the natural state of man and woman in their most basic activity, and sometimes a midget.” (Webster’s II New College Dictionary). It is an art that not only has survived the plethora of censors and bans placed upon it by the unenlightened conservative Victorian Exchequer, but also appeals to the widest variety of viewers. Sure, painters have their limited categories; watercolor, impressionistic, and contemporary (which is not even real). However the genres of pornography extend to even the most unique of connoisseurs. From the ever popular “Girl-on-Girl,” to “Granny Got Game,” the categories for pornography are endless, providing such a variety no viewer is left unsatisfied. Take BDSM (or Bondage and Discipline, Domination and Submission, Sadism and Masochism) for example. You would think that any normal person would be appalled at a man tied up with the act of Bastinado; originally a Spanish word for the act of caning, being so generously applied to him by a leather bound Dominatrix. What makes our world such a thriving one is our ever-increasing variety of cultures, ideologies, and in porn’s case, fetishes. Some people enjoy a good hamburger; others enjoy Coprophilia, the attraction to the smell, taste, texture, or sight & sound of the act of defecation as a primary means of sexual arousal and gratification. (Baum 119) Not only this, but pornography is the only art form in which the majority of its viewers can engage in the display, usually learning valuable positioning to make their own bodies living, breathing, works of art. I note one of the more famous permutations of the human flesh, coitus more ferarum (known to some as Doggy-Style, to others: The Congress of the Cow). (Will 112). That’s right; pornography is also a do-it-yourself yoga guide!!!

One would think that with all of the benefits pornography has to offer, it should be not only be accepted but embraced by our society. So when I hear about the supposedly “Progressive” and purportedly “Liberal Arts” education which the enlightened Gettysburg College offers me on a daily basis, I cringe in disgust, simply because the college displays a colossal ignorance to this ever-thriving art industry. In fact, one of the crew from IT even told me “About 80% of the files that people process through the college’s network are porn[o]” (This is an actual quote, I’m not even kidding). With this love for pornography, I think the students at Gettysburg send a strong and resolute message of, “No porn, NO WAY” and, “I Watch Porn, and I’m O.K. with that!” And yet we chastise this poor gentleman, a martyr for the cause which every man, (and some women) long to achieve.

No, we must not stand for this Gettysburg ! What will they ban next, Shakespeare? Dickinson ? Vonnegut? Thoreau? These too are publications which excite the mind, and entice the heart. I guess Plato is out as well, since he speaks of loving each other!!! No, if a man receives pleasure out of watching a man in an alien costume making love to a woman with no legs, then by God he has every right to fulfill his pleasures. If I had internet, I know I’d be online almost every hour, enjoying the free gallery of artistic expression. Museum of Modern Art? NO THANKS!!! I got my computer!!!

I got a chance to talk with the man so wrongly accused of following his heart. He said, “I dunno what the big deal is. I mean after being a student of art for over 20 years, I realized the portion of my thesis concerning the impact of Salvador Dali on the Post Cubist Neo-Classical revolutionary movement was incomplete without the additional research, namely research comparing his art to modern art. Of course I had to compare him with the true genius of this artistic industry, so that meant a lot of Jenna Jameson. I’m not gonna lie, it was tough some days, watching porn after porn of Jenna’s very unique style. Some nights I even blacked out, but in order to write the most incisive thesis, I was willing to make that sacrifice.”

I’m sorry Gettysburg ; I forgot that you wanted to foster an atmosphere of learning and progression… NOT! “Such classics as Throbin Hood, Beauty and the Bitch, Beverly Hills 9-0-2-1-HO, Buffy the Vampire Layer, Juranal Park, Sand Fernando Jones and the Temple of Poon, Spankenstein, The Sopornos, A Tale of Two Titties, and The Texas Dildo Massacre should not be expunged from society simply by the autocratic whims of a few.” (Lisa Spadaccinni)

Don’t believe me? Consult the giants of history:

As Henry Ward Beecher, the famous brother of Harriet Beecher Stowe and abolitionist, once stated, “Every artist dips his brush in his own soul, and paints his own nature into his pictures.” If this is not direct and unequivocal support of the institution of pornography, then nothing is.

Furthermore, Helen Keller is so bold to say (or sign), “I sometimes wonder if the hand is not more sensitive to the beauties of sculpture than the eye. I should think the wonderful rhythmical flow of lines and curves could be more subtly felt than seen. Be this as it may, I know that I can feel the heart-throbs of the ancient Greeks in their marble gods and goddesses.” If this beautiful display of utter sensitivity and brilliance does not absolutely convince you that pornography is not only an art form, but the tour de force that creates, motivates, sustains, and expounds all other forms of society, then you are a philistine and your closed mind lacks the capability to appreciate the subtleties of pornography. If you do not regard it as an art form, you should be forever expelled from the records of society, sundered from your fellow men, and cast into the barren, frigid heart of Hillary Clinton.