Clubs Declare Themselves Independent of Senate, Senators Apathetic

By Kyle Lawson

The Senate has fallen! Clubs and their representatives, dissatisfied with what they call unfair status in representation, have voted to secede from the current Student Senate to form their own confederation of organizations. The revolt has apparently been brewing for years with each graduating class passing on the frustration of having to send someone to Senate and yet have no right to vote. One student, who asked to remain anonymous represents a club that decided not to secede, but fears retaliation at their next budget hearing had this to say:

“It was like, always frustrating to me, watching the senators vote on allocating funds and recognizing the status of clubs without giving, like, any thought to how the rest of us like felt. I mean come on there’s only soooo much money available.”

While the perceived apathy of the Senate in general drove many permanent club representatives to boredom and a mood of apathy themselves, it was only with the forced implementing of permanent representatives for all clubs that action was forced.

“We never knew how bad it was,” said Michael Voorhees of Students Concerned for Situations in and the Culture of Various Countries, Canada Not Included, “Every week we sent someone new and we were never able to connect the, you know, dots or something maybe not dots more like a puzzle.. Now that I’ve been forced to go every week I finally saw with my own eyes, my own freaking eyes the kind of corrupting apathy that has eroded the foundations of what was meant to be a practical experience in the democratic process, but has become nothing more than a hollow mockery of our rich political heritage.”

In the wake of the club secession, several document provided by a former Parliamentarian demonstrates that the Executive Board was aware of the potential problems facing the enforcement of permanent Senate representatives. It was decided that in order to keep the Senators satisfied and distracted each club would be assigned a Senator who they could go to in order to voice their club’s opinion on an issue.

This plan, formulated after Senate researched what our peer institutions had done about their problems with Club Representatives, failed. Most other institutions found that giving organizations virtual representation, which is letting them know they could express their grievances to someone, worked. As long as the clubs did not realize that the people they went to express their opinions, did not care. This flaw came to light during a recent debate over who to grant Senate funds to.

A disagreement over whether the Senate should provide money to groups that request money from Senate, but do not send a representative, and then declare that the event the money is being used for will be closed to the majority of the campus. With club representatives all demanding their representatives vote a certain way, made it clear that the system was deeply flawed.

While this caused more debate, no action was taken by the Club Representatives until one angry Senior stood up and shouted, “This is complete BULLSHIT! Why can’t you people just do the damn monkey dance and get over it! I’m done,” before abruptly leaving. Other students apparently misinterpreting a burned out senior’s desire to leave and get back to their thesis, not caring any more about the Senate, decided to call together the heads of all the clubs and discuss the situation.

While it is not clear what happened in the meeting or when the meeting happened, or who organized, or whether a majority of the clubs were involved, it seems that most clubs agreed to secede from the current Senate and form their own body. This new organization has agreed that they will meet as needed to divide up the money collected from the activities fee. How they are going to get the money has not been answered. Many observers have offered the opinion that the people involved have no idea of how the political system works, and are simply running their mouths and getting people upset for their own political ambitions.

Accusations that clubs were tricked into believing they were signing a petition to provide aid for some undetermined disaster have not been proven. Nor have the rumors that the constant fire alarms going off in Plank are the result of attempted arson to destroy incriminating documents. The official opinion in both matters is that people do not read or use common sense, also that they should have signs up warning about the uses of spray paint.