College Raises Tuition, Buys 27 New ESPN Channels

By Xavier Harding

The college recently announced the tuition to attend Gettysburg College would rise to $50,881. This is compared to $48,050, a 4.9% increase in cost. With new funding at their disposal, the college has decided to add 27 more channels to its current allotment of ESPN programming. The decision is a complete departure from the college’s original decision to get rid of ESPN altogether from the campus’s cable network.

Many are taken aback by the sheer amount of channels ESPN even offers. Ted Johnson of the school’s Financial Aid department said, “With all this new money we just decided to go for it.” Johnson continued, “This is the best decision we’ve made in a while.”

Although numerous students cried out when ESPN was removed, many doubt whether the same amount of students support this decision. Channels such as espnGolf, espnKids and the ESPN Home Shopping Network are not as widely accepted as the channel they all derive from. Students from all sorts of backgrounds have something to say concerning the decision.

“I honestly cannot see myself watching Cooking With ESPN. If I wanted food on my television, I’d just go to Bullet,” one student commented, “with my television.” A sophomore Sarah Davis thinks, “There’s this one channel called ESPN Collector’s Edition that’s only available if you’ve collected 10 or more ESPN channels. It’s clearly a scam.” A third student, Joshua Johnson, was quoted saying, “I love Cash Cab,” concerning the college’s purchase of EspnCashCab––a channel dedicated to Cash Cab game theory, strategy and Ben Bailey, the cash cabbie.

The span of channels acquired in Gettysburg’s purchase ranges from Espn After Hours––playing “mature,” “adult,” and “thoroughly pornographic” programming––to Espn Shuffle––a channel dedicated to forwarding you to a random channel on your cable box. ESPN describes its Shuffle as “all the fun of channel surfing without having to use the remote or enjoy yourself.”

EspnReal, another channel Gettysburg attained, aims to provide reality television to your sport-watching experience. I asked the ESPN’s CEO about such a decision for a channel. He replied, “I mean honestly, isn’t life a game.” His half-hearted smirk and ten dollar toupee seemed to suggest otherwise.

I further questioned the CEO about his channel package. He was quoted saying, “These channels were a great idea. I don’t regret a single thing. Our ratings are astounding. Even EspnGolf has viewers through the roof.” I have little reason not to believe his claim––in my testing, eight out of ten times EspnShuffle took me to EspnGolf.

“I’m all for it,” said captain of the swim team Harvey Liberman, “I was watching some sport yesterday called Keeping Up With the Kardashians on Espn Shuffle. Those girls are vicious. I love sports!” With students like Harvey, it’s hard to regret the Gettysburg’s decision.