Cut-Back on Costs Inspires Contraception Alternative

By Josh Carmel

The Health Center has served as a proverbial glimmer of clarity during this tumultuous economic recession. As a body composed of stalwart professionals, capable of providing reliable medical advice for marginal monetary compensation, it remained essentially untainted by fiscal strife, until this unfortunate nadir. No institution, however venerable, can escape the small niches of necessity, and, at long last, the Heath Center at Gettysburg College has been compelled to cast a tentative glare toward cost efficiency.

It’s neither the technological gadgetry which jeopardizes the stability of the Health Center, nor its unequivocal emphasis on medical altruism. Instead, it is the production and manufacture of condoms which has inspired the Center to look toward modes of greater economic responsibility.

“We [members of the Health Center] strive to provide a level of medical aptitude unparalleled by any other health center in the United States,” said Director of Health Services Fred Kinsella. “In order to maintain that level, we have been forced to reexamine our ‘dependence’ on prophylactics.”

The little latex delights, which have, for several years now, been displayed abundantly on several portions of the campus, shelved in the corner of each examination room at the Health Center, have come into question. In order to promote economic stability and fortify Gettysburg’s infrastructure, the Center, in conjunction with the Physics Department and Visual Arts Department, has decided to shirk the use of condoms altogether.

“We’re not saying that Margaret Sanger would be happy or anything,” said Kinsella. “We are only saying that this is necessary for the College at this point in time. Times change and this fits our current fiscal predicament.”

Instead, Kinsella continued, the Health Center would reintroduce the “Just Pull It Out” technique to the Gettysburg Campus.

“Although this may stymie previous notions of safety and sexual heath,” he said. “We feel that…it would be more prudent just to, um, pull it out.”

As a college fond of acronyms, Gettysburg’s Visual Arts Department has already endeavored to introduce several snazzy and attractive posters advertising the technique. On each poster a melancholy condom, with human qualities, stands frowning in the corner underneath words: J.P.I.O is the Way to Go.

Additionally, the Physics department has produced some controversial artwork of its own. Converse to those disseminated by the Visual Arts Department, these posters simply display the caption: “Newton says: ‘Gravity is Your Friend.”

Although each alternative to physical contraception has promoted creative experimentation within the Gettysburg campus community, some have voiced outrage over the lackadaisical, almost jocular, approach.

“A bunch of wayward youngsters,” chided Mayor William Troxell. “When I was younger…well… when I was younger… this was the biggest small town in the world,” he continued, drifting off.”

Whatever the claims concerning the institutionalization of J.P.I.O, no one can deny that it will certainly alter the social landscape on campus.

“It’s like… there are no more rules,” claimed senior Brandon Kinnsey. “I can do whatever, whenever, whoever, without any latex fetters…we are finally liberated.”

Kinnsey’s sentiment has been championed by Sociology and History majors alike, who feel that the alleviation of prophylactic bonds may promote greater interaction on campus, whether for better or for worse.