The world’s most well-known do-it-all company has recently turned 13 years old.

Google, now entering its teenage years, has come a long way since its birth as a basic search engine. The company has grown rapidly, adding more and more capabilities like Google Maps, Books, Documents, and even an E-mail  client.

Google CEO Larry Page is excited at the prospects for Google’s adolescence. “This company is going to be changing very quickly in the upcoming years,” he predicts, although, “It may be awkward and confusing for Google for a little while, but we expect to grow into ourselves, and really discover our identity.”

Google has always strove to be the most popular social media presence on the internet. It has competed with the other popular kids in several markets, including social networking, smartphone operating systems, and navigation tools among many others, and its presence in almost every facet of technology has become noticeable.

Bill Gates, founder and CEO of Microsoft, has noted that every time his company tries something new, “Google is always there. It’s annoying, because at one point you’re trying to work with a new group of people on a project, and then, Google shows up. Sometimes, it just won’t go away. Google wants to be a part of everything.”

Google’s foray into social networking, Google+, was its first attempt at generating a closer circle of friends, but the small clique of mostly-male users has been relegated to the proverbial “lunch table in the back corner” according to an anonymous reviewer.

Google has also announced plans to add an “I’m Feeling Angsty” button next to its well-known but seldom used “I’m Feeling Lucky” button. This option will take you to the most popular message board where teens are known to discuss whatever you are searching for.

These upcoming years of adolescence for the information technology powerhouse  will prove interesting. Whether this period will signal a new era of independence and growth, or a grounding of the rebellious and rapidly ascending company remains to be seen.

Only at Gettysburg is an ongoing series of short articles that will be published to point out the subtle things that make Gettysburg College what it is. From the awkward and absurd to the inconceivable and inexplicable, Gettysburg College has its fair share of idiosyncrasies that make it the fine, unique institution we have come to love. This is the first installment.

Living with History

Gettysburg students have the privilege of being immersed in rich historical traditions, from the historic nearby battlefields to the numerous historic alumni, students are constantly reminded of their nation’s history.  Students can encounter their college’s history anytime and anywhere, even on mundane trips to the local 7-11.

At this our local 7-11, it is not uncommon for students to run into one of Gettysburg’s most famous historical figures: Abraham Lincoln himself. Just moments from where he gave his historic Gettysburg Address, a certain Lincoln re-enactor is known to enjoy a historically delicious Slurpee from time to time. As is his historic duty as a re-enactor, he drinks only what was known to be Lincoln’s favorite flavor: Berry Blaster.

The diligence of these re-enactors is yet another historic honor bestowed upon Gettysburg’s students: a chance to not only experience, but engage with history.

Gettysburg College has recently been informed that it will be adding yet another prestigious award to its résumé.

The Department of Academic Moisture and Precipitation (D.A.M.P.) has bestowed this award onto the College this week after recognizing the incredible job Gettysburg College has done keeping itself wet.

Janet Morgan Riggs, upon hearing the news, commented that, “We as an institution strive to be on top in every category, and that includes the list of moist Liberal Arts colleges.”

The College’s attempts to become “Gettysburg Great” have left no stone un-turned, and the recent increase in campus moisture is evidence of that. In fact, the College has become so moist that it has caused several rooms to be declared unusable.

However, the faculty has taken the setbacks in stride. One administrator remarked, “[We] didn’t anticipate things getting this moist, but despite the invasive wetness, this award just makes everything worthwhile.”

Students have become more aware of the extent of the schools efforts to “Get Wet” after Director of Life & Fire Safety Services, David Taylor, issued a circular that outlined the effects of the initiative. The email that was sent out to the Gettysburg Community claimed that, “The sub-ground floor of Glatfelter Hall is among the affected areas,” although, “moisture issues exist within Gamma Phi Beta’s sorority chapter.”

In the end however, the College is working hard to restore its facilities, and the award will join a long list of other achievements that put Gettysburg at the top of its class when it comes to Liberal Arts colleges in Rural Pennsylvania.

Only at Gettysburg is an ongoing series of short articles that will be published to point out the subtle things that make Gettysburg College what it is. From the awkward and absurd to the inconceivable and inexplicable, Gettysburg College has its fair share of idiosyncrasies that make it the fine, unique institution we have come to love. This is the first installment.

The Gettysburg Twenty

Most people are rather fond of the way Gettysburg College schedules its courses, always allowing that wonderful ten minutes between classes where you have just enough time to leave your last class and still get to your favorite seat in the next. However, behind all these well-structured and convenient schedules lies a horrible secret about this fine institution.  Many scholars have searched for and debated its cause, which to this day remains a pestilent and undiscovered secret.

It’s the Gettysburg Twenty. It’s those terrible, awkward, and always wasted 20 minutes that seem to creep their way into your schedule. You never plan on it, but it’s always there, lurking in the shadows, just waiting to steal minutes from your life. It always shows up when you least expect it.  By the time you realize it, it may be too late, but the Gettysburg Twenty is a frightening reality.

Try as you might to make a flawless schedule, but efforts at this school are futile. And when you finally do recognize that you’ve been caught by its conniving devices, you’re already ensnared, and there is nothing you can do.

Twenty minutes is no time to do work in, as you’ll almost certainly not get too far. A trip to the Commons perhaps? No, you’ve only just eaten, and of course the Twenty would strike just then. It’s certainly much too short a time to contact a friend, and if you happen to already be with one, you can rest assured they have something to do, leaving you to wallow in this tantalizing period of time. It’s just short enough that you cannot be productive, but just long enough that it pains you each time you look at your watch.

The Gettysburg Twenty remains a mystery, its cause and motivations yet unknown to the many students who have passed through here. To claim you have attended this institution for some amount of time without a glimpse of this slippery beast would be an egregious mistake;  you’re only taunting it to choose you as its next target.

With Springfest 2061 just around the corner, rumors have been circulating about the artists for this year’s concerts. The members of CAB officially announced this morning that the Justin Bieber Reunion Tour will be stopping by Gettysburg College for the Thursday night concert, followed by Baby Gaga on Saturday afternoon.

Each of the artists will be joining us via 3D holographic live streaming projected onto the walls of Penn Hall. While the performers will not be physically present on campus, their managers have assured us that the sound quality will be as good as ever.

After a ten-year hiatus and multiple drug rehabilitation programs, Justin Bieber has finally resumed his musical career for the sake of his devoted fans. At 67 years old, Bieber has produced over 75 top hits, a feat his life partner, Dylan Sprouse, attributes to “auto-tune, rhyming skills, and good shampoo.”

In celebration of Bieber’s hair recently selling for $500 million on eBay, his staff will be handing out free “Bieber wigs” to the first one hundred guests at Friday night’s concert.

Baby Gaga, granddaughter of the late Lady Gaga, will be singing from her new hit album, “Baby Gaga: Born to Die.” Her stop at Gettysburg College will be one in a string of battlefield concerts given across the Eastern Coast. Other stops this spring include Antietam, Bunker Hill and Fort Sumter.

“I wanted to find a way to really connect with my ancestors,” said Baby Gaga in a recent interview. “By giving concerts at places where thousands of people have died, I think I can reach out to people in a new way. It’s exhilarating – you know, partying with the dead.”

The concerts for Springfest 2061 will take place on Thursday at 7 p.m. and Saturday at 1 p.m. Tickets can be purchased in the CUB or from Andrew Ferreira directly.

Twenty years ago today, on April 1^st, 2041, Gettysburg College signed itself away to the Apple Corporation, sparking a movement among hundreds of colleges across the nation to do the same. Apple, which has held the lead in the technological education, arms, and merchandise races for well over 60 years, had deemed the step “necessary for the future of America.” Gettysburg College, ever the forerunner for social and political change, was the first to join Apple’s mission to cultivate the minds and bodies of America’s future leaders.

Here at the Forum, which has enjoyed unlimited success since Gettysburg College ‘went chrome’ and committed to a technophilic way of life, we’re celebrating the 20^th year of Apple’s leadership by emphasizing how much Gettysburg College has improved thanks to the guidance and support of Apple. We’re taking this day, jokingly known as APPLE Day (Apple Ploys People with Lots of Excellence) due to the fact that Gettysburg College students typically receive the latest models of Apple products, to appreciate how much the quality of life has improved in the world thanks to Apple.

And, as is wont to happen with such retrospective speculation, we’re taking this day to reflect on the past and marvel at the events that have lead us to this future.

It does make you wonder, what it must have been like for students thirty, forty, even fifty years ago, before campus was Mac-centric, before we had the statue of Steve Jobs stationed between Masters and Plank—I mean, they still had newspapers—printed ones—on paper—what the fuck?

Granted, this was a world dependent on the mass production of tree-pulp and refined petroleum to keep their society afloat. The thought of wasting so many innocent resources—such destruction is nigh-incomprehensible today.

So let this 20^th APPLE Day be one of joyous nostalgia, Gettysburg College, and remember—An Apple™ a Day Keeps the Problems at Bay!

April 1, 2061

Some say he is a little bit country, while others contend that he is a little bit rock and roll. Students at Gettysburg College know, however, that he is all techno. Like that undulating, pseudo-nauseating, cranial cramping beat on the subwoofer of your entirely antique 86 Honda Civic with the plaid seat covers and the plastic unicorn dash ornament, the College’s 16^th President is both a man wise beyond his years and, dare the author admit, stylishly good-looking.

Ferreira came to Gettysburg in 2008, dressed to kill in his Hillary Clinton-esque black pantsuits, searching for what most people want in life: love and the unrestrained ability to exert his power over fellow peers. He got his wish. Twice elected Student Senate President during his tenure at the College, Ferreira—always the bride and never the bridesmaid— issued the controversial dissolution of the Faculty Council (in his second term) and rearranged the campus to look like his native Pompton Lakes, New Jersey (complete with a real Stine Lake). Following his illustrious time in the Senate, Ferreira, voted most likely never to leave Gettysburg College out of spite, was thrice elected High-Chancellor of Educational Discipline, a new position created shortly after his graduation and lovingly likened to the ever-so-popular Gestapo of the Old War era.

“I felt like, let’s see, I felt like I had an obligation to oppress fellow students, to deliberately hide information in Senate closed-sessions and the like” said 70 year-old Ferreira, surrounded by a mountain of pillow pets and care bears. “It was more than just a hobby, it was for the greater good. Gettysburg needs me and I will never, never let it go.”

After a short stint as a diabolical laugher in Hollywood, those dubious craftsman who cackled manically in the cult-classics Saw 56 and 57, Ferreira returned to his alma mater ready and raring to go. His first order of business, upon being appointed President, after the beloved Linda, the Omelet Lady (still going strong with the aid of modern medicine) and Rod Tosten (not going so strong) turned down the position, was to create the Red-Tape Committee.

“I was always a fan of the color red and shuffling from place to place in line,” Ferreira intoned. “I called the process “furbulling,” after the waddling movement of Furby’s, those olden-day toys that I genuinely wish to take after.

When asked about the benefits of seemingly superfluous, entirely arbitrary waiting, with no redeeming social, cultural, or physical value attached to it, Ferreira responded:

“You see. There is nothing like the physical movement provided by waiting in line. I looked at the cumbersome, inefficient public flagship universities in New Jersey and thought, how can we be more like them? The answer was obvious: Lines! It would be like bringing the DMV to you.”

Ferreira’s latest move as president includes the Re-education Enterprise in Gettysburg Nomenclature, nominally called R.E.I.G.N.

“R.E.I.G.N is a really cool program, if you stop and think about it,” maintained Robo-Hayden. “There is nothing more culturally advanced, at least in the humble opinion of this pseudo-cyborg here, than regulating the speech patterns and language of students in a collegiate institution.”

When asked about his program, its controversial and neoteric practices, Ferreira said:

“Freedom isn’t free anymore, so why pretend? Who wants to be stuck in the past, caught up with old-wave notions of ‘free speech’ and ‘free thought?’ Instead! Let’s usher in the new with punishment attached to speaking one’s mind and disagreeing with the administration. Won’t that be fun?”

The surrounding campus community has shown its overwhelming support for RE.I.G.N., establishing a sister organization called Students Love Andrew’s  Vacillating Entity, known colloquially by its acronym S.L.A.V.E.

“I never knew what to say, until President Ferreira came along,” chimed S.L.A.V.E. President Tommy Malkins. “It’s like a breath of fresh air, a new-fangled addition to an exceedingly important Liberal Arts education.”

As its fundamental goal, R.E.I.G.N. and S.L.A.V.E. hope to re-organize the relationship between the administration and student-body, excising the pesky professorial middle-ground, and to moderate all thought and action on the Gettysburg campus. Stifling creativity and expression, according to the President, is an obvious method of reducing points and making the community  healthy, safe, and equally (un)happy.

“I think it is ridiculous,” proclaimed a Converse-clad, elderly Dr. Brett Rogers. “As a former Greek and Women, Gender, Sexuality professor at Gettysburg, I realize the importance of insurrection and, like, this weird way of reacting to certain heteronormative hermeneutics on campus. It’s important,” Rogers continued, “to ensure that this program has, at its heart, proper roles for promoting the entire community, and not just male and female alike.”

Whatever the outcome of R.E.I.G.N., one thing is certain. President Andrew Ferreira, head-cocked sideways and looking freakishly forever young, is going to take care of this institution. He will crimp, prime, and snip certain things from the campus, but, with a face and dress-code like his, it makes all the difference in the world. After all! This College is his baby, and, in the ever-resonant words of President Ferreira, “nobody puts baby in the corner.”

Gettysburg College has finally released its list of courses for the new iYear! Sign-up is easy: just access the iSelect feature (to the left of the iSuck feature, just below the iScreamforicecream button) on your iCourse application on the iStudent menu of your IAmLegend device. Repeat this process for each course you select, and before you know it, you’ll be registered for the semester.

History 000: History of Hysteria

A survey of the idiots who thought the world would end in 2012. We will also examine why Armageddon will occur in 2062, as the Aztecs predicted.

Psychology 113: Psychoology

An in-depth examination of psychos and their roles in contemporary society. Case studies include Chris Matthews, Tom Cruise, and Barney the Dinosaur.

Ancient Authors

A discussion of the most prolific and renowned classical writers and their legacies today. Such seminal figures include Tom Clancy, John Grisham, Dan Brown, and Jerry Springer.

Chuck Norris in Contemporary Life

A probe into the greatest figure of all space-time. Focus will be on why each of Chuck Norris’ biceps is bigger than the other, his ability to kill two stones with one bird, and his upcoming 61^th annual Total Gym TV special.

Scientological Studies 666

An introduction to mythology and its role in all other religions. We will consider why all other religions are wrong, and how to educate the mentally unstable, who refuse to accept the truth of scientology.

Geology 381: A Nation Divided

An inquiry into California’s recent break from the contiguous United States and the hope that New Jersey will follow—as soon as Camden, Newark, and Jersey City break from it.

Archaeology 105: Digging Deep

An experiential study of ancient artifacts and the means of excavating them. Special attention will be paid to the successful surfacing of Atlantis and the Titanic, as well as to the ongoing international search for Noah’s Ark, Indiana Jones’ grave, Morgan Freeman’s vocal cords, and Alex Trebek’s mustache.

Film 300 (James Brolin: An American Icon)

A study of the greatest actor of the last two millennia.

Americana 103: In Suspense

An immersion into the physics of Larry King’s suspenders. Studies will encompass the tension forces between Larry King and his suspenders, and how that physical tension manifests itself in society and the universe as a whole.

Biology 205: Modern Evolution

An inquiry into chickens, addressing how these animals have become the world’s most fearsome predators.

Management 400

Advanced training in managing a business from one’s shower.

Chemistry 211

Why Physics is wrong.

Physics 211

Why Chemistry is wrong.

Philosophy 211

Why Physics and Chemistry do not exist.

Philosophy 212: Existentialismanity

Students in this course will be encouraged to question the existence of Philosophy 212.

Classics 101: Dead Languages

A survey of the English language.

The Presidency

A study of past U.S. Presidents with an emphasis on personal character and triumph over adversity. Particular emphasis will be placed on the most important leader of the last half-century, Gary Busey.

New Majors:

-Walking

-iIDS

-Teleportation Studies

-Quantum Ping-Pong

-Cloning Studies

-Alienology

-iSewing

-iCooking

-iEating

-iDrinking

-iBreathing

-iSleeping

-iQuitting

Announcements:

-The philosophy department has officially doubted the existence of doubt.

-The management department has been placed under the control of iNet and will be taking over all other departments. The department head is rumored to be a machine with an Austrian accent.

-The psychology department has named Belvue alum I-Min-Sein the Charles Manson Professor of Psychosis.

-Masters Hall will be closing temporarily on account of its sinking into a black hole.

-The Science Center’s cancer research division is leaving Gettysburg because Chuck Norris cried.

-The History and Classics departments have decided to convert all the classrooms in Weidensall into iSwimming pools because the past is irrelevant. The Philosophy department has formally contested this action on the grounds that only relevance is irrelevant.

- The Italian department has been bought out by iPasta after an internal dispute between Mama Mia and Chef Boyardee.

-Interested in going abroad next semester? How about Mars? The OCS office will be showing a documentary on students’ trips to Mars called iTotalRecall. Contact Douglas Quaid for details.

-DPS has just declared Cloud Nine “Reserved Parking Only.”

Here’s to a wonderful new iYear!

Students awoke to surprising news this morning in the form of an e-mail from President Andrew Ferreira himself. According to Ferreira, “Hayden,” the mysterious force behind G-Tech for over fifty years, has identified himself as a robot. Rumors of Hayden’s true identity have circulated the student population for years, but no one would have guessed the mastermind of our Information Technology Department was anything other than human.

“I just assumed he was some nerdy hipster,” said one student. “He always signs his name with a lowercase ‘h’.”

The secret came out on Thursday evening, following a campus-wide network malfunction. The wireless network shut down for about four hours Thursday night, causing considerable outrage among the student population. When the network finally reset, Hayden reportedly received an overload of angry e-mails from impatient students.

Hayden allegedly responded to the e-mails with the following message:

“I apologize for any inconvenience tonight’s network malfunction may have caused. I sincerely hope the problem will not happen again, but I can’t make any promises. After all, I’m only robot.”

After further investigation, several employees at G-Tech have confirmed that Hayden is in fact a robot. President Andrew Ferreira declined to comment as to whether or not Hayden’s status as a robot would affect his employment package at Gettysburg College.

This past Monday, Senate recognized the Human Out-Reach Choir, or HOR Choir (pronounced whórë kweyer). The HOR Choir has been seeking Senate approval for the past 10 years and has gone to many extremes to do so. “I slept with someone on Senate one year,” said an anonymous member of the HOR Choir (Rebecca Summers), “people think ill of it, but it’s for a good cause. Don’t judge me.”

Another one of the HORs, Jason Cable, was quoted saying: “I’m glad to see people finally taking us seriously. We are all about human out-reach. And believe me, I cannot tell you just how many people I’ve reached out to. And touched,” Jason said whilst winking.

In their passing as an official club, they were also allotted a budget. Part of said budget request included: microphones, camera equipment, and various themed outfits for “choir purposes.” In the meeting, the HORs were quick to stress the importance they place on fundraising. “We just want to make as much money as possible doing what we love. And who we love. We’re not ashamed. We’re ready to make music in the best way we know.”

The Gettysburg HORs are also releasing a book in the coming months called: Condoms Etiquette: How Many Holes Are Too Many? Furthermore, as Gettysburg’s first HOR choir, they announced ideas of starting new events on campus. Some of which include: the Intramural Walk of Shame, Hook-up How-to Information Session, and their all campus event HOR Scores, where they invite the acapella groups to sing/sleep with them?

As Gettysburg’s latest addition to the extracurricular selection at our school, the HOR Choir is ready for primetime.

“We’re glad this dream finally came to fruition and we want everyone to know we are willing to please the student body in any way. Very willing.”