Gettysburg College Invited to Join Big 12 Conference

By Brian Engelsma

Watch out Oklahoma State women’s lacrosse, here come the Lady Bullets! Interim Big 12 commissioner Chuck Neinas announced today that the Big 12 athletic conference, long known for powerhouse teams such as Texas and the University of Oklahoma, would be adding Gettysburg College as the conferences 11th member.

“This is really a great opportunity for the Big 12 that we really felt we couldn’t pass up,” Neinas told the Dallas Morning News earlier today, “we’ve long been looking into gaining a presence in the illustrious Harrisburg media market, and view this as a prime opportunity to really enlarge our footprint.

“Besides, anytime you have an opportunity to add a five time Division III badminton champion, you do it. I don’t care if you’re the [Southeastern Athletic Conference] or the [Pacific 12], you can’t pass up results like that.”

Already the move has been met with skepticism from many Gettysburg College faithful, reluctant to leave behind the tradition of the Centennial Conference, often referred to as the Ivy League of central Pennsylvania. “It’s going to be tough leaving behind our traditional rivals like Dickinson and Franklin and Marshall,” college President Janet Morgan Riggs told CBS 21 news, “but I want to assure all fans of the school that new rivalries will take their place. We are already looking forward to starting a new page of rich history against some of the best teams in college athletics like the [Iowa State] Cyclones and the [Baylor] Bears.

“I hope you fans enjoy fried Jayhawk,” Riggs added with a wink, admitting that she had no idea what a Jayhawk actually is.

Still, many critics have suggested that football, the “King Cotton” of college athletics, was the driving force behind the merger. Some, including ESPN analyst Mark May have criticized the move, claiming that the Bullets squad is unprepared to face perennial national championship contenders such as the Texas Longhorns and Oklahoma Sooners.

Fellow analyst and legendary coach Lou Holtz had a slightly different view, however, on ESPN’s Sportscenter, stating that “thisth is a great move for Gettythburg College and the Big 12 Conference. Now I’m sure thuht Gettyzthburg iz going to have their progrum up and running in no time, withh more access to thuh fertile recruiting groundzth of Texath, theezth guuhyz know how to put a program together, let me tell yah. I’m pretty sthure thuht moztht people in college football agree withh me that thizth izth the betht thing to happen to college athleticsth in a long time, unlike Mark May, whuusth a liar and cheat and the wortht thing to happen to football thince the forward pazth.”

For her part, President Riggs also attempted to assure fans that the school would be ready to compete for gridiron success in the near future: “these schools think they are high and mighty now, but let’s see them try to come to Musselman Stadium, the original thunderdome, and walk away with a victory. It’s not as easy as you think, especially once the Bullet faithful get whipped up into a frenzy.”

Commissioner Neinas hinted that further expansion may be on the horizon for the Big 12. “We’re looking to go back to 12, but for now 11 is a number we are comfortable with.”