Gettysburg Deathmatch: Political Science vs. Religion

By Sebastian DiNatale

Ladies and Gentlemen, children of all ages, welcome to the premier of Department Deathmatch! I’m your host, Sebastian DiNatale, and I’m sitting ring-side for what looks to be quite an exciting event, filled with thrills, spills, and who knows, maybe even some kills. We have an attendance tonight of over 632,804 screaming fans who are on the edge of their seats to see some old-school style beat downs today, and from what I have seen in the past, they will not be disappointed.

The rules are simple; one Gettysburg College academic department will go toe-to-toe against another in an all out brawl. Why Gettysburg? Because we do great work! Each department will select three professors within their department to battle it out using any means necessary until one department is incapacitated. The only rule: There are no rules!!! That’s right; you can and should talk about Department Deathmatch!

We start tonight with the much-anticipated Political Science Department facing off against Religion Department, in which we will really see how separate they are. They have been read their last rights, with only a little grumbling from the Poly Sci team and the showdown is on! The first department deathmatch is underway!!!

The Poly Sci department begins by sending out none other than Bruce Larson, the Congressional Caper, with his uncanny ability to analyze and evaluate almost every congress in America’s history, and Religion sends out… Oh my God…Well praise be to Allah, Mohammed, Buddha, Jesus, The Way, Zeus, and Sheba, it’s Professor Steven Stern! Yes, folks, the “Hebrew Hammer” has just entered the ring, and boy does he look m’shnugah.

Larson immediately begins with a Bi-Partison Breaker, knocking The Hammer to his feet, but not for long. Stern replies with a deft reading from the Qu’ran which describes the responsibility of Muslims to bring the world back to an Islamic Utopia, completely debilitating Bruce’s conservative Right hook, leaving him only with his loose, limpy, and at times scattered. Left jab.

Let’s see if he’ll be able to come back. And he, OH NO, Larson has just recited a Supreme Court interpretation of the First Amendment which stipulates that religion cannot be practiced in public schools, knocking Stern down yet again, but this Man of God isn’t finished yet… Stern is now… I believe he is… yes he IS summoning Thor, the ancient Norse god of war, and it looks as if Bruce is in for a world of pain. Thor brings down his mighty ax, and Larson is officially down for the count. What a knock out!!! The fans here are chanting some psalms, and it appears as if Steve is now meditating, deep in thought as to how he will attack his next victim with The Truth.

Poly Sci is now deliberating, and…oh my… is that… yes… yes… YES!!! Shirley Warshaw stampedes into the ring, speaking softly and carrying a HUGE stick, of presidential power. But Stern is still meditating… I don’t think he realizes that Warshaw is in the ring!!! Warshaw, never one for political correctness, uses her executive power to completely bypass all courtesies, rules, statutes or laws, and sends Stern straight to Guantanamo Bay with an overwhelming blow. Warshaw is reviewing the latest polls, and it seems her approval rating is rapidly decreasing. Let’s hope that doesn’t affect her in the future.

But let’s see who Religion decides to turn to to oppose this brutish machine. It’s Deborah Sommer, specialist in Buddhism and pacifism studies! The Blundering Buddhist skips onto the ring and presents Warshaw with…a flower? That’s right, she is attempting peace! A bold move, let’s see if it pays off.

Warshaw responds swiftly by calling upon both the Army and Navy to obliterate Sommer. Ouch, that’s gotta hurt. Say so long to the peaceful fields.

But it seems now that Warshaw’s approval rating is at a staggeringly low 12%. Religion sends out none other than Ken Lokensgard, and, oh my…before Warshaw can even start to deal with the bureaucracy in order to begin an assault, it seems… yes… the people are impeaching her!!! This is a first in Department Deathmatch history, what a strange turn of events. That means it’s down to one participant apiece, and who will Poly Sci call upon for this challenge?

Ken Mott has galloped onto the ring on his Horse of Judiciality! What a treat for these lucky fans tonight! Mott immediately begins with his specialty, a Lemon v. Kurtzman Piledriver, leaving Ken Lokensgard almost completely useless in public schools. But Lokensgard charges back with a Spirit of Wolves attack, sending Mott flailing back against the ropes.

But Mott is back up, and now he seems to be… no…. it can’t be… not in front of the children! Dr. Kenneth Mott is reciting the First Amendment emphasizing that “Congress shall make no law respecting the establishment of religion,” which sends Lokensgard flying through the air and into oblivion.

AND THAT”S IT, POLITICAL SCIENCE WINS IT ALL! Thanks to the cunning and deftness of Ken Mott, the Political Science department has once again shown that religion and politics, although fun to talk about, should never come in contact with one another. And that ends another exciting match here at Department Deathmatch, I’m Sebastian DiNatale; stay tuned for more exciting Deathmatch!!!