GETTYSBURG PIRATE ORCHESTRA DROPS ORCHESTRA AND PICKS UP PIRACY

By Audra Foster

Despite the fact that Gettysburg is, in fact, a land-locked little town, several members of its community have felt the need to turn to piracy to supplement their swifly decreasing monetary income. Most notably, The Gettysburg Pirate Orchestra, that charming band of instrument playing professors and townsfolk, has become a rugged crew of weapon-wielding buccaneers creatively known as The Gettysburg Pirates. The original group of five was joined by many other rambunctious youths addicted to the delicious decoction known as coffee. But instead of pillaging ports and sacking ships, these pirates target the local cafés of Gettysburg.

With much hollering and hullabaloo, the Gettysburg Pirates come bursting into the Ragged Edge, swords drawn and eyepatchs firmly in place, demanding large quantities of coffee and sugar. While this may not seem different from what the Gettysburg Pirate Orchestra did in better times, it is important to note that they now follow the traditional pirate tradition of refusing to pay for these items, and instead threaten the ragged baristas with various degrees of bodily harm, often accompanied by inflammatory insults and raucous laughter, until these caffeinated criminals get what they want. Then they gallivant off into the distance, lugging their loot behind them, waiting to raid again.

The Ragged Edge is not by any means the only coffee shop the Gettysburg Pirates have hit—oh no. The Café Saint-Amand, The Merlin Café, and Gettysburg College’s own Commons Café are all in constant danger from these maraudering, coffee-crunching mercenaries. Apparently even Ping’s Café was recently besieged by the Gettysburg Pirates, although this must have been done somewhat by mistake, as Ping’s mostly serves  food found only in specific Asiatic regions, and very little in the way of addicting beverages made from the juices extracted from beans.

So watch out, fellow coffee lovers: the Gettysburg Pirates are on the loose. Protect your beans from these java-snatching fiends.