Gettysburg Raises Tuition to 50 Million Dollars

By Xavier Harding

In an effort to make more money, Gettysburg College has increased its tuition exponentially to a bank-breaking $50 million. In lieu of Apple’s recent purchase of the educational institution, both organizations have decided to add the Apple tax to the cost of admission.

Students, most of all, are taking this the hardest and have let their voices be heard: “Fifty million dollars?!” said student Samantha Briggs, “I didn’t even know that numbers went up to fifty million!”

Senior Amanda Swift was quoted saying: “I’m dropping out tomorrow. Literally no one can stop me.”

Another student, junior David Sammyson, admitted to using petty crime to help pay the new tuition. “I think of it as enhanced financial aid,” said Sammyson. We later learned Sammyson was sentenced in court to spend 25 years, learning a different kind of lesson.

Surprisingly, some students are o.k. with the raise in tuition. “The tuition price is the entire reason I chose this school,” said accepted prospective Becky Daniels. “Well, 90 percent,” she corrected, “10 percent is for the killer club scene.” Oh, Becky.

One question on everyone’s mind, though, is: why the sudden spike in tuition cost? With Apple’s generous purchase of our college, and Microsoft’s endearing purchase of Pizza House, it is hard to see why we would need to charge more money instead of less. Despite the fact that Lincoln Diner and Pizza House now accept declining dollars, Monopoly money and all arcade tokens, the College is still unable to charge their students properly. This, coupled with the elimination of the Financial Aid department, raises many questions. An interview with the President informed us that, “aside from doing great work, we are dedicated to keeping our students, in a matter of speaking, broke as a joke,” he said laughingly in one of his many money-tubs. Too true, Mr. President, too true.