Gettysburg Student Enters, Wins Scripps Spelling Bee

By Brian Englesma

Gettysburg Sophomore Richard “Dick” Aime returned to campus this week after a run at the Scripps National Spelling Bee championship. Richard was thrown out of the bee by school officials in the fourth round after they discovered he violated the competition’s eligibility requirements. Typically contestants to the spelling bee are in middle school, with those with a either a high school diploma or enrolled in college considered ineligible in all circumstances. When asked how Richard was able to circumvent these requirements, spelling bee officials stated that Richard “supplied the proper documentation and we never thought anyone would try to take advantage of this competition meant to further education for children.”

“In all my years I have never seen anyone do what he did,” Scripps President Ralph Chalmers told the forum. “That kid had a falsified birth certificate and was even able to get the sponsorship of some fraudulent, shoddy local newspaper; I think it was called the Gettysburgian.”

When asked why he did it, Aime told the Forum, “Times are tough on all of us, I just wanted to make some money to help pay for college. The savings bond looked pretty nice too.”

Aime performed surprisingly well in the tourney, with many experts lamenting that he had a good chance of making it to the end round, “Richard displayed a great poise on the stage that many of the other kids didn’t, he was never flustered out there. Once the spotlight was on him, he was down to business.”

Richard had been performing at a high level at the bee, correctly spelling the words “hockey,” “salamanders,” “risqué” and “bumping” before an involved parent questioned his age. “He just seemed too big to be a middle schooler,” Muriel Thompson told the Forum. “I know middle schoolers, that behemoth was no middle schooler.”

Students at Gettysburg College anxiously awaited his return, with many saying that this was Gettysburg’s only real chance at a championship in their life time. “I’m really sad about this,” said Nathan Lanan, “Gettysburg just isn’t that good at stuff. For once, Dick made me believe in this school, he made me proud to be a Bullet.”

After being told he was disqualified from the tournament, Richard immediately picked up his chair and threw it across the stage, declaring, “you little shits know jack shit! Fuck all of you, I’m the greatest speller here, you all suck. This money was going to make me bank you little fuckers. You’re all worthless.” He was then promptly dragged from the stage, kicking and screaming, telling the security that he was going to take his, “lily white fist and jam it down your god damn throat.”

Following his return to campus Richard has been mum about his future plans, but he is rumored to be training a quiz bowl team in anticipation of next month’s state quarterfinals.