Gettysburgian Readership Falls, Popularity Skyrockets When Put to New Uses

By Nate Storey

The Gettysburgian, the newspaper which has catered to the college community since 1832 has experienced an unexpected rise in popularity since the recession hit Gettysburg. But the reason for the rise in popularity is not exactly what one would naturally expect. “The Gettysburgian isn’t really for reading anymore,” Editor-in-chief Sean Parke said. “And we’re okay with that so long as the shelf get’s cleared off every week.”

Arts and Entertainment editor Jen Bray also commented, “It’s kind of gotten to the point where we just don’t care about what’s in the paper. Half the time, we just print every other word. Who cares what the article is about? No one reads past the headlines.”

“Hell, we don’t even read our own articles,” Erin Cushing said, referring to a recent graph in which the Gettysburgian asserted that students on campus get one hour of sleep a night.

So why is the Gettysburgian so popular if no one is reading it? Because the college has cut off housing to a number of buildings to save money and the east coast has been hit by a cold spell, students have taken to using the Gettysburgian as insulation for their coats. “When the wind blows across the fields, there’s nothing better than a few pages of the Burgian between you and your coat to take the edge off,” sophomore Michael Altman said.

This use has become so popular of late that last Thursday there was a rush on the Gettysburgian when it was released and put out for the public in the CUB. The paper is also often used as a fire starters in any number of the trash can fires that students huddle around throughout campus. “It was a little awkward at first, coming from my background in rural Iowa, but after awhile I got used to using trash cans for warmth. And the Burgian is the perfect way to start the fire,” said one freshman.

Students have also noted its vital role in lining the cages of their hamster and gerbil cages, which some students keep in their rooms.

Other uses include grabbing a pile from the library and using them as a door stop, toilet paper, and stuffing bras. “It’s a little rough down there at first,” sophomore Robert Veech said, “but you get used to it. The only drawback is sometimes you get ink on your butt.”

Before parties, girls who have found themselves unable to buy new accessories as the recession worsens have turned to the Gettysburgian as a source to make themselves bracelets and headbands.

Finally, in a bit of a troublesome turn, a confidential source from Servo recently told The Forum that the Gettysburgian was now being used in certain high protein meals to boost the fiber levels. “There’s one special dish that came out recently that we used the paper in. I won’t tell you because we wanted it to be a surprise.” Sources point to a particularly newsbreaking meal, about which you can learn elsewhere on The Forum’s site.