Google Buys Campus Building

By Connor Lees

Campus has been abuzz lately with all the recent construction on one of Gettysburg College’s most legendary buildings.

Glatfelter has recently been purchased by multinational corporation Google for an undisclosed sum of money and a few first-years.

Google plans to rename the castle-like academic building “Googlefelter”, an appropriate and not entirely outrageous moniker. They also have planned massive renovations for the building.

Although the old bell tower was well known for its stories of ghostly inhabitance and dissonant noise in the wee hours of the morning, it will be replaced by a series of high powered cameras that will track the movements of anything within the campus radius. The cameras will also have the ability to see through solid walls, allowing one to view inside buildings from the camera feeds. The goal is to create something similar to Google’s previous endeavor, Streetview.

Google also hopes to team up with DPS to catch perpetrators and track down miscreants. The high-powered cameras will allow Gettysburg to keep an eye on all of its students in any corner of campus at any time.

Google plans to invent pattern recognition software, which uses facial recognition to locate students and create an algorithm for each student’s usual routine. Thus, when a student strays too far from his or her usual patterns of walking or is not on a reasonable path based on the history compiled in Google’s database, Google can alert the school of a possible future misdemeanor.

The school expects Google’s new software to greatly decrease instances of truancy, as the cameras can capture the motions of any students not in class. The cameras can also trace walking patterns, with the ability to identify the difference between regular walking, ambling, and piss drunk stumbling.

The next step for Google is to embed each student with tracking devices for more exact pinpoint abilities, which the school announced will come conveniently with each student’s acceptance letter, along with proper instructions for their surgical insertion.