Health Center to Charge Arm and a Leg Per Visit

By Xavier Harding

It was announced today that Gettysburg College’s Health Center would start to charge their students an arm and a leg for service. This change is reminiscent of the Health Center’s addition of a $25.00 fee earlier this same year. Just as with the other changes in the college to cut back on the school’s budget, students are outraged at the new developments. Left and right, members of Gettysburg College are leaving the Health Center in worse shape than when they came.

This increase in fee is hot off the heels of the institution’s tuition increase. Gettysburg’s campus is outraged by the new cost of admission. “The situation is a tad counter-intuitive,” said senior health science major Katie Williams. Another student Jacob Smith said, “Damn, I can only go twice?” He continued, “My Friday nights are ruined.” “Those two-timing sons of guns,” Gettysburg sophomore Shaun Bennett chimed in.

To counter the outcry some students are pleased with the addition. Captain of the swim team Harvey Liberman stated, “Not gonna lie, I had my doubts. But I’m easily twice as aerodynamic as before.” “They were starting to hurt anyway,” said one student Bobby Pin.

Despite the reassuring comments of students like Harvey and Bobby, the sad faces of those in the lobby of the Health Center awaiting a simple flu shot or check up seem to suggest otherwise. Patients sit in the waiting room rubbing their arms or staring at their legs at various angles when they used to simply read Highlights or text their best friend Katie emoticons and acronyms. The Health Center’s new Arm and a Leg policy has affected Gettysburg’s medical situation in ways unimaginable.

Left and right, the 18-22 year olds of the liberal arts school are considering drastic measures. Many students have gathered to perform sit-ins surrounding the Health Center, mainly because they were not standing anyway. Furthermore, Gettysburg’s students have mulled over a strike filled with picket lines, megaphones, and signs containing catchy, yet appropriately assertive, messages. The idea is a powerful one, though due to the condition the health center has left students, said catchphrases have not left the confines of Facebook and Twitter status updates. In short, the student body, every pun intended, is unable to physically protest the problem.