JuicyCampus Comes to an End Upon Resolution of “Leggings/Pants” Controversy

By Adam Pelta-Pauls

In a shocking turn of events today, JuicyCampus.com founder and president Matt Ivester has announced the popular gossip website to be at an end. “We are closing down JuicyCampus as of Feb. 5, 2009,” Ivester declared in a mass email sent to every college student in the continental US.
The cause? JuicyCampus.com literally combusted on user’s desktops after the majority of online voters finally conceded that leggings do not indeed count as pants. Though the official number of injuries has yet been released to the public, preliminary reports are high, with large numbers of people reporting first and second degree burns, as well as at least one casualty.
“It was like my computer just, like, blew up, you know?” said a rather hyperactive Sig Chi brother, “I was all ‘Type, type, type’ and it was just, like ‘BOOM!’ The other brothers all ran the [expletive deleted] out of the house, [be]cause there was all this, like, fire and stuff. It… was awesome.”
Despite the alleged awesomeness of the situation, the brothers had to evacuate their house as the local fire department was called in to put out the offending computer. Stories similar to this played out countrywide, on college campuses from the Northeast Coast to Southern California.
The catalyst of the website’s flammable malfunction was an ongoing online debate as to the status of leggings: tight, form-fitting pieces of opaque polyester or Lycra, ostensibly made to be worn under such things as skirts or cut-offs, the favored clothing item of Nevernudes. Leggings’ status as pants has been under scrutiny from a select few members of the upper echelons of collegiate society for a few months now.
“We realized very early on that girls were wearing these leggings, which were originally made as simple protective coverings for the legs, as pants alone,” comments Arnold Singer, member of a few campus clubs, “The ‘view from the sidelines’, as it were, was not something that we, as men, wanted to see all the time. We wanted to protest.”
And protest they did. They used Juicy Campus as their outlet so they could be kept anonymous.
“We decided to use the JC because, even if our own girlfriends are doing it, we can still whine as much as we want to.” Mr. Singer was unavailable for comment after this point as the woman standing next to him, who identified herself only as “Katie,” began beating him senseless with a lacrosse stick.
Unfortunately, the high volume received in the current gossip trend was too tremendous for administrators. We now pause to mourn the death of a truly inspiring gossip-based website.