Love, Obey and Honor the Glorious Orange and Blue! Or: Get Aquainted Day, a Good Day to Die!

By Punzy McGee

Good day to you all, loyal Forum enthusiasts. Today, I write to those of you which have an accepted place in this orgiastic hell-hole of joyless chaos that is Gettysburg College. Yes, today is Get Acquainted Day, a euphoric collection of Aristotelian High School seniors that eagerly seek a higher education. Well, allow me to get you acquainted to reality. Gettysburg College is a highly selective four-year residential college of liberal arts and sciences with approximately 2,600 students. Of these, only 100 have the cognitive capacity to employ the necessary motor skills to carry out day to day activities. The other approximate 2,500 personages lie in a vegetative state, waiting to be consumed as a reusable energy source as per G.E.C.O’s H20-A9 mandate.

Have trouble getting around campus? Not a problem, as the College Life so very democratically imposed upon us yet another tariff, this time calling it a “Parking Fee,” in which students may pay a mere 35 dollars a semester for all the free parking the school has to offer in designated spaces. These car-owners will see there money put to good use, as it primarily will go towards a shuttle service for those who do not have transportation of there own. Now, if that isn’t practical usage of a fee no student can object, I don’t know what is!!! But not to worry. Senate passed a resolution, thus defiantly agreeing with the administration in their decision, and promulgating the notion that Senate, does, in fact, work. Huzzah!!!

But wait, there’s more!!! What of your supplies? Your books, your pencils, your customized Gettysburg College hoodie and sweatsuit? Never fear, our modest book store has all to offer, and more! With merchandise reasonably priced at 350% cost value, not only can you stock up for your studies, but also pay the bookstore handsomely for their troubles. Don’t worry, the money will go somewhere. I am sure of it!

And lest we forget the all-knowing and powerful CAB, whose democratically elected officials provide us with such wondrous events such as eating crabs, listening to jazz music in suits, and a three-day booze fest of merriment and an environment that can only be reminiscent of Sodom. “But who pays for this?” you might ask, quite ignorantly. Why, you of course, with the sensibly-priced student activity fee! See your money go hard at work in getting such famous talents as Pat Green and Rahzel.

Had enough yet? Why, you haven’t even met the president yet. Well, chances are you never will, as she currently has vanished off the face of God’s Green earth, obviously finding a tear in this dimensions plane and fundraising in parts we know not of. Just wait around a bit for her office hour; I’m sure you’ll get to see her!

The only suggestions I do have for you, young lambs, is to get paid, and get laid. And, join our illustrious staff of The Forum, Gettysburg College’s Only Independent News Source.

Now go walk around feeling uncomfortable with your parents!!!