METHODS OF RECOVERING FUNDS AFTER EXPENDITURE FOR ESPN

By Josh Carmel

Gettysburg College – Office of the President

Authorized Document: 3345

January 22, 2010

Convert The Commons to a Meth Lab

Administrative Prostitution

Abraham Lincoln Burlesque Show

Pay for Admission to Servo

Establish an Arcade

Establish a Petting Zoo

Resume the Ancient Art of Alchemy

Elaborate Ponzi Scheme

File for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy and Subsequently Receive a Government Bailout

Glenn Beck

Become a Sponsor of Hard-Hit Lead-Based Products

Grand-Theft Auto

Create a “Burglary” Major

Sell Student Bodies to Science

Invite Conan O’Brien to Host His New Show on Campus

Invest in Slightly Inappropriate Eastern Pornography

Invite Indiana Jones to Speak on Campus (After Determining that He Indeed Exists)