Over the Counter Pills and Drug Cocktails An Explatory Essay on the Dangers of Government Mind Control

By Kyle Lawson

It’s a weird feeling knowing you’re on the verge of getting sick. That strange feeling of illness that just creeps up on you and makes you know you’re in for a rough couple of days. The exhaustion feeling the beginnings of a stuffy nose that signals the beginning of days of trying to forcibly empty your nose. Thankful for the fact the weather is not cold enough to cause your nose hairs to freeze. Of course, it doesn’t help when ——– a drug that is supposed to relieve your symptoms utterly screws with your mind. This is what happened to me a couple of weeks ago, it is the reason I don’t trust most medicines. It might not be the fault of the medicine of course. It could easily be the symptoms the feverish feeling that causes the mind to overreact. Of course, a fever would be a better explanation if the thermometer was not involved in a conspiracy with the government.

It’s definitely a weird feeling realizing that the government has crossed their wave lengths with your brain waves. I realized too late that an aluminum foil hat might have helped but deciding against it because only crazy people and Tea Baggers resort to such methods. It was a strange experience to have the government inside my head. Mostly I remember pink flashing lights in between flashes of all the plans that the government plans on putting into effect. The secret military installation inside of Mt. St. Helens the jail underneath the Statue of Liberty that holds Communists kidnapped during the 1950’s. There is also the secret war currently being fought between Nova Scotia and Greenland. This war being fought over the supply of three unidentified elements currently located in disputed territory. What exactly these elements are useful I have no idea, I woke up at that point. Falling asleep again five seconds later.

I continued to wake up over a two half hour period of waking up falling back asleep and waking up again two minutes later. It took me that long to realize what was wrong, the government had taken over my bedroom as part of a hidden clause in the Patriot Act that let them take over my room as part of terrorist investigations. I realized too late that the Legion of Evil had moved their headquarters to Quarry Lake using the flooding as a cover to move. I began to suspect that perhaps the administration was involved in the move in order to raise money for the Gettysburg fund. My room was given to a general who took no time in dividing my room for various activities. I do not know everything that he intended my room to be used for. What I do remember is that my bed was to be used for the growing of miniature fruit trees.

Of course, once the government had taken over my room they couldn’t very well let me leave because if I did I might reveal what I recently learned. Thus began an epic battle of the minds that would challenge those of even the greatest intelligence. A battle of wits in which every loss meant that the government was able to control my thoughts and actions making me forget everything gained from that the crossing of my brain waves with their wave lengths. Every effort of trying to retake control of my mind and room was more difficult than the last. I failed miserably. I failed every single attempt. It was like trying to take an advanced physic course when you had just learned pre-algebra. I mean the level of difficulty although I’m sure math was used at some point.

I eventually managed to end the constant waking and then falling back to sleep, though I think that happened only after my bed had been taken over. That happened at 7:30 in the morning. I then spent the next three hours attempting to overcome the government again. I won’t go into the details of trying to overcome the government. It was a tedious battle involving the throwing of curry puffs and learning the proper etiquette of serving tea made from acorns. I eventually managed to overcome the government mind control, mostly through government apathy, and went about my day.

Later that day I ran into a friend and after some normal discussion of the biological hypocrisy of the vampires in Twilight and the various ways of wearing scarves offered me a solution to my illness. This was of course a mixture of completely legal over the counter drugs that would tackle my coughing and mucus flooded nose and throat. It worked in ways I could not have possibly imagined. That night I was able to convince an army of bureaucrats, all dressed in grey suits, with purple tinted glasses, bowler hats, and carrying black umbrellas, to help me in my fight against the government. They were led by a lady dressed in a pink military uniform wielding a fruit hat as a weapon. I never realized that kiwis could be used as grenades or that clementines are in reality robotic squirrels disguised as apples hiding as another fruit in order to confuse their enemies. What resulted was a battle which was entirely fought with umbrellas versus soldiers armed with cod and mackerel. After much fighting I was victorious in not only retaking my bed but my blankets, including my Harry Potter one with its depiction of the Weasley’s flying car and Hedwig. As I woke up out of sleep, I decided to celebrate my victory with a glass of water as I was quite thirsty. After taking a few well deserved drinks I fell into a coughing fit which resulted in my throwing up of water and mucus. I had won, but the general poisoned my water supply, I survived.