Humor

By Xavier Harding

This past Monday, Senate recognized the Human Out-Reach Choir, or HOR Choir (pronounced whórë kweyer). The HOR Choir has been seeking Senate approval for the past 10 years and has gone to many extremes to do so. “I slept with someone on Senate one year,” said an anonymous member of the HOR Choir (Rebecca Summers), “people think ill ...

By Josh Carmel

April 1, 2061

The looming silhouette of West Building, inhabiting the debris-addled fringe of Gettysburg College, has, for decades, served as wet nurse to debauchery and bedfellow of destruction. Those passersby, brave enough to venture out toward the desolate nether-regions of the campus, where now never a blue-light ominously glows, are often frightened by intense fits and bursts ...

By Colleen Cable

Apple, owner of Gettysburg College, released a new iTouch and iPhone application today just in time for this year’s formal sorority recruitment. The app is iSister, a newly formulated method to recruit freshman girls into the Greek system. With this new app, rotationals are a thing of the past. Using iSister, the sorority sisters and the potential new ...

By Josh Carmel

Everybody knows Waldo. The stripped-shirt, lanky, blue-jean clad savant, whose bulbous eyes tended to undress even the chastest of churchgoers, dominated the lives of our grandparents in the late 80s and early 90s. The ageless teen, who perfected the art of espionage during the Cold War and, to some modern scholars, tramped across India as a wayward troubadour ...

By Elizabeth Elliott

An extraordinary event occurred on campus yesterday afternoon that is keeping Gettysburg students talking.  As Tau Kappa Epsilon was conducting its annual Easter Egg Hunt, some brothers noticed smoke coming from a tree near the Admissions Office.  After a girl screamed, “My kitty’s up there!” the brothers ran over to help.  Witnesses say that the men constructed a human ...

By Elizabeth Elliott

The podcast of the 133rd Academy Awards surprised the nation last Sunday when Pirates of the Caribbean 25: The Poop Deck, upset The Levee to win the Oscar for Best Picture.  The Levee, a period romance about the doomed love affair between a looter and a police officer in Hurricane Katrina-era New Orleans, had been the favorite ...

By Emily Francisco

The day has finally come! Over the past few months CNAV has undergone tremendous renovations. Now, when you sign in to your Gettysburg account to check your dining dollars (or to do some casual “C-stalking”), you can see the navy webpage replaced by a strangely familiar powder blue and white webpage. Yes, CNAV’s new network is none other ...

By Xavier Harding

In an effort to make more money, Gettysburg College has increased its tuition exponentially to a bank-breaking $50 million. In lieu of Apple’s recent purchase of the educational institution, both organizations have decided to add the Apple tax to the cost of admission.

Students, most of all, are taking this the hardest and have let their voices be heard: ...

By Connor Lees

Campus has been abuzz lately with all the recent construction on one of Gettysburg College’s most legendary buildings.

Glatfelter has recently been purchased by multinational corporation Google for an undisclosed sum of money and a few first-years.

Google plans to rename the castle-like academic building “Googlefelter”, an appropriate and not entirely outrageous moniker. They also have planned massive renovations for ...

By Connor Lees

Ah the 2040’s… A few of us fondly remember those years, others wish to forget them. But, regardless, our nostalgia for the past runs deep. Here are just a few things that fell by the wayside in one of the most eventful decades our nation has seen…

Pants. Most of us still remember what it was like to wear ...