PORN!!

By Sebastian DiNatale

Ladies and gentlemen, hear my tale of woe. It seems that the administration has yet again quashed the freedoms and liberties America supposedly grants us in our Constitution. A few weeks ago a man was banned from Gettysburg College after allegedly perusing an art form dating back to 900 B.C. An art form which just happens to be vital to the structure of society, as it was the driving force behind almost every Renaissance-period art revolution. A form of art which results in the greatest viewing pleasure man can possibly experience.

Pornography (or porn as it is referred to) is defined as “an exposition of the natural state of man and woman in their most basic activity, and sometimes a midget.” (Webster’s II New College Dictionary). It is an art that not only has survived the plethora of censors and bans placed upon it by the unenlightened conservative Victorian Exchequer, but also appeals to the widest variety of viewers. Sure, painters have their limited categories; watercolor, impressionistic, and contemporary (which is not even real). However the genres of pornography extend to even the most unique of connoisseurs. From the ever popular “Girl-on-Girl,” to “Granny Got Game,” the categories for pornography are endless, providing such a variety no viewer is left unsatisfied. Take BDSM (or Bondage and Discipline, Domination and Submission, Sadism and Masochism) for example. You would think that any normal person would be appalled at a man tied up with the act of Bastinado; originally a Spanish word for the act of caning, being so generously applied to him by a leather bound Dominatrix. What makes our world such a thriving one is our ever-increasing variety of cultures, ideologies, and in porn’s case, fetishes. Some people enjoy a good hamburger; others enjoy Coprophilia, the attraction to the smell, taste, texture, or sight & sound of the act of defecation as a primary means of sexual arousal and gratification. (Baum 119) Not only this, but pornography is the only art form in which the majority of its viewers can engage in the display, usually learning valuable positioning to make their own bodies living, breathing, works of art. I note one of the more famous permutations of the human flesh, coitus more ferarum (known to some as Doggy-Style, to others: The Congress of the Cow). (Will 112). That’s right; pornography is also a do-it-yourself yoga guide!!!

One would think that with all of the benefits pornography has to offer, it should be not only be accepted but embraced by our society. So when I hear about the supposedly “Progressive” and purportedly “Liberal Arts” education which the enlightened Gettysburg College offers me on a daily basis, I cringe in disgust, simply because the college displays a colossal ignorance to this ever-thriving art industry. In fact, one of the crew from IT even told me “About 80% of the files that people process through the college’s network are porn[o]” (This is an actual quote, I’m not even kidding). With this love for pornography, I think the students at Gettysburg send a strong and resolute message of, “No porn, NO WAY” and, “I Watch Porn, and I’m O.K. with that!” And yet we chastise this poor gentleman, a martyr for the cause which every man, (and some women) long to achieve.

No, we must not stand for this Gettysburg ! What will they ban next, Shakespeare? Dickinson ? Vonnegut? Thoreau? These too are publications which excite the mind, and entice the heart. I guess Plato is out as well, since he speaks of loving each other!!! No, if a man receives pleasure out of watching a man in an alien costume making love to a woman with no legs, then by God he has every right to fulfill his pleasures. If I had internet, I know I’d be online almost every hour, enjoying the free gallery of artistic expression. Museum of Modern Art? NO THANKS!!! I got my computer!!!

I got a chance to talk with the man so wrongly accused of following his heart. He said, “I dunno what the big deal is. I mean after being a student of art for over 20 years, I realized the portion of my thesis concerning the impact of Salvador Dali on the Post Cubist Neo-Classical revolutionary movement was incomplete without the additional research, namely research comparing his art to modern art. Of course I had to compare him with the true genius of this artistic industry, so that meant a lot of Jenna Jameson. I’m not gonna lie, it was tough some days, watching porn after porn of Jenna’s very unique style. Some nights I even blacked out, but in order to write the most incisive thesis, I was willing to make that sacrifice.”

I’m sorry Gettysburg ; I forgot that you wanted to foster an atmosphere of learning and progression… NOT! “Such classics as Throbin Hood, Beauty and the Bitch, Beverly Hills 9-0-2-1-HO, Buffy the Vampire Layer, Juranal Park, Sand Fernando Jones and the Temple of Poon, Spankenstein, The Sopornos, A Tale of Two Titties, and The Texas Dildo Massacre should not be expunged from society simply by the autocratic whims of a few.” (Lisa Spadaccinni)

Don’t believe me? Consult the giants of history:

As Henry Ward Beecher, the famous brother of Harriet Beecher Stowe and abolitionist, once stated, “Every artist dips his brush in his own soul, and paints his own nature into his pictures.” If this is not direct and unequivocal support of the institution of pornography, then nothing is.

Furthermore, Helen Keller is so bold to say (or sign), “I sometimes wonder if the hand is not more sensitive to the beauties of sculpture than the eye. I should think the wonderful rhythmical flow of lines and curves could be more subtly felt than seen. Be this as it may, I know that I can feel the heart-throbs of the ancient Greeks in their marble gods and goddesses.” If this beautiful display of utter sensitivity and brilliance does not absolutely convince you that pornography is not only an art form, but the tour de force that creates, motivates, sustains, and expounds all other forms of society, then you are a philistine and your closed mind lacks the capability to appreciate the subtleties of pornography. If you do not regard it as an art form, you should be forever expelled from the records of society, sundered from your fellow men, and cast into the barren, frigid heart of Hillary Clinton.