Professor’s Beagles Go Missing: In Unrelated News, Recent Servo Casserole Tastes Delicious

By Sebastian DiNatale

In a sad turn of events today, Professor of Religion Stephen Stern called a press conference to announce a recent loss to the campus community.

“It is with deep regret and grave sorrow that my two children beagles, Sparky and Little, have gone missing for three days now. I have tried everything within my power to find them, but there is no trace of where they could have gone to.”

Such measures include demanding College Life to respect and appreciate the importance of his dogs on campus, as well as provide discomfort towards anyone that might be opposed or disinterested in his particular ideas towards the canines. Despite a small portion of students at Gettysburg actually caring about or adhering to the set of beliefs Stern professes, he nevertheless is recognized and revered by many participants, including Dean Ramsey, and his requested are rarely denied.

Stephen also had some harsh words directed at DPS officer Bill Lafferty.

“After continuously appealing DPS to continue their search party for my beloved creatures, Mr. Lafferty has completely ignored the issue, and therefore has brought ignorance and hate towards understanding of my dogs’ plight.”

Lafferty issued a campus-wide e-mail addressing the concerns:

“To the campus community, at approximately 12:20 pm two dogs were reported missing. After an excessive search, composed mostly of Frank Klein aimlessly walking around campus, the search was called off. Unfortunately, we need him to watch over the new hot chocolate machine in the library. Students have set the machine’s setting to ‘Free’,” said Lafferty.

The canines in question, Sparky and Little, are well-known around campus, as they can be heard clamoring through Weidensall while students are in class or outside the CUB tied up to a rocking chair growling at people.

“Those things?” remarked Sean Parke, “Yeah, well, I always found them sort of annoying. I mean, they would just claw at his office door whenever he left them in there. A lot of times teachers in nearby classrooms had to wait for them to settle down before they could continue.”

The search party, composed mainly of students of Professor Stern who “really needed an A”, officially ended the search at 5:00 PM today. A “remembering service” was held by Stern, who was painstakingly fighting back tears.

In completely unrelated news, the recent Servo casserole tastes delicious. Usually bland and over salted, students were amazed and the zesty and unique flavor it offered as today’s main entre.

When asked what new ingredient made the casserole so delicious, head chef and saucier Ellen Hawk, remarked, “It’s the meat. We’ve included a very rare, unique, tender, ‘mans-best-friend’ steak.” She refused to go into any more detail, but offered a faint smile.

“Man, this new casserole is out of this world!” exclaimed Edward Fosse, “I’m definitely getting seconds!”

As the casserole continues to be a hit on campus, it serves as a good distraction to the loss of two of Gettysburg’s most precious lives.

Sparky and Little, you will be missed.