Heya everybody, Ol’ Punzy’s back, and boy have I got news for you.  Allow me to break the ice!  Last week, a large snowstorm has brutally attacked the whole East Coast.  “Snow Way!” You might say, but just take a gander out yer window, won’t you.  Now put it back in! Yes, it look like Ol’ Jack Frost has done it again, and not the Michael Keaton movie either! Hey Jack, ICE to meet you!  Boy o boy is it really coming down or what.  I haven’t seen anything accumulate this quickly since I forgot to clean the den!  Why, just now I’m lookin’ out the window at a poor soul trudging his way to the dining hall.  I guess the stimulus plan didn’t make him any richer!  Seriously though, there’s at least 43 feet of white powder out there on the ground.  Who knew FIJI was throwing a cool party!  The blizzard started last Saturday and has continued to get worse and worse.  Except this one’s not packed with calories and doesn’t make you leave when you try to ask out the cashier at the Dairy Queen!  She was so mature for her age!

If there’s anything this weather has proven to me, it’s that girls love to party, no matter what the cost.  Why I saw two girls walking at night in the snow in skirts and high-heeled shoes.  What a couple of numb-nuts, I’d say.  Whores.

Now, a lot of students are getting pretty upset that some teachers didn’t cancel classes.  CHILL out!  What did you make your parents pay for anyway, you NOT to learn.  And stop complaining about the sidewalks not being shoveled, facilities are working around the clock and are trying their best.  You are all whiny bitches.  There is no pun here.

I know now’s the time to catch up on all the work I procrastinated on, but all this snow is givin’ Ol’ Punzy a Brain Freeze!  My advice, let’s kick some ICE!

Boy, is this weather bad. C’mon sunshine, WATER you waiting for! What a classic. Heya everybody, Punzy McGee here with my new weekly column, and I’m not talking Corinthian! Allow me to first introduce Myself. Hey Myself, say Hello to everybody! But seriously, I’m Punzy McGee, the wordsmith with a knack for punny humor! In case ya think ya missed a joke, I’ll leave an exclamation point at the end of each sentence; a good point or what! My dog has cancer!

Lotsa people say, “Whadaya crazy Punz? Dontcha know that puns are one of the lowest forms of humor?” Apparently they never met Danny DeVito! Sure exploiting ambiguity between homophonic words for humorous effect sounds like a gimmick, but so does Shimminick! Plus, the only homophone I know of enjoys the company of other men! No, I stick to what I know. Now if someone would get me some glue remover, I can start my article!

Anyway, they asked me to do a little number on recent Cannabis legislation goin’ on around the country, so I said, “Ok. 2!

So apparently California is voting to make marijuana legal for all uses, not just medicinal. Now that’s just what the doctor ordered! The bill is set to be passed within the week. Aww, come on everybody, he’s not that bad! Legislators say legalizing it will help reduce crime and help the economy. That’s a stimulus people can roll with!

New Jersey has also just passed a law allowing medicinal Mary J., and not the mildly attractive red-head that seems to get herself in life-threatening situations on a daily basis! Coming from a state that has no appeal whatsoever, it looks like New Jersey’s reputation of being boring is going up in smoke! The drug is supposed to help ease the pain of illnesses such as Lou Gehrig’s disease and AIDS. Seems like Obama could use some, his seem to be doing no work lately!

It seems to Ol’ Punzy that psychoactively effecting the neurological brain patterns to briefly change perception and mood doesn’t exactly sound like a day of fun to me. I enjoy getting high on life! And if I needed a temporary impairment of short term episodic memory and psychomotor coordination, I’d just need to spend 5 minutes with my wife Molly! Naw, the green stuff isn’t for me, no-sir-ee. Just look at my bank account!

Well, so long creative organic thought processes and non-chemical induced happiness, hello easy entertainment. I can’t wait to see just how unproductive our brains can be before they turn entirely to mush. Speaking of, smells like Molly’s whippin’ up some supper!

My advice: why don’t you use that pot to cook up a casserole?!

Until next week,
Punzy McGee

Good day to you all, loyal Forum enthusiasts. Today, I write to those of you which have an accepted place in this orgiastic hell-hole of joyless chaos that is Gettysburg College. Yes, today is Get Acquainted Day, a euphoric collection of Aristotelian High School seniors that eagerly seek a higher education. Well, allow me to get you acquainted to reality. Gettysburg College is a highly selective four-year residential college of liberal arts and sciences with approximately 2,600 students. Of these, only 100 have the cognitive capacity to employ the necessary motor skills to carry out day to day activities. The other approximate 2,500 personages lie in a vegetative state, waiting to be consumed as a reusable energy source as per G.E.C.O’s H20-A9 mandate.

Have trouble getting around campus? Not a problem, as the College Life so very democratically imposed upon us yet another tariff, this time calling it a “Parking Fee,” in which students may pay a mere 35 dollars a semester for all the free parking the school has to offer in designated spaces. These car-owners will see there money put to good use, as it primarily will go towards a shuttle service for those who do not have transportation of there own. Now, if that isn’t practical usage of a fee no student can object, I don’t know what is!!! But not to worry. Senate passed a resolution, thus defiantly agreeing with the administration in their decision, and promulgating the notion that Senate, does, in fact, work. Huzzah!!!

But wait, there’s more!!! What of your supplies? Your books, your pencils, your customized Gettysburg College hoodie and sweatsuit? Never fear, our modest book store has all to offer, and more! With merchandise reasonably priced at 350% cost value, not only can you stock up for your studies, but also pay the bookstore handsomely for their troubles. Don’t worry, the money will go somewhere. I am sure of it!

And lest we forget the all-knowing and powerful CAB, whose democratically elected officials provide us with such wondrous events such as eating crabs, listening to jazz music in suits, and a three-day booze fest of merriment and an environment that can only be reminiscent of Sodom. “But who pays for this?” you might ask, quite ignorantly. Why, you of course, with the sensibly-priced student activity fee! See your money go hard at work in getting such famous talents as Pat Green and Rahzel.

Had enough yet? Why, you haven’t even met the president yet. Well, chances are you never will, as she currently has vanished off the face of God’s Green earth, obviously finding a tear in this dimensions plane and fundraising in parts we know not of. Just wait around a bit for her office hour; I’m sure you’ll get to see her!

The only suggestions I do have for you, young lambs, is to get paid, and get laid. And, join our illustrious staff of The Forum, Gettysburg College’s Only Independent News Source.

Now go walk around feeling uncomfortable with your parents!!!

Photo circa 1923

By Punzy McGee
Publisher Emeritus

My fellow patriots, I have returned once more from my yearly winter vacation to the shores of Tanzania. With my faithful servant-boy Hugh by my side, much distance was traversed, as well as new and exciting ideas in order to keep our precious Forum a step ahead of the rest. But as 2008 is finally upon us, some changes are in order so that the Forum may continue to thrive in all its esoteric wonderment.

You will notice that we have an entire new format for our interweb page. This is due to fierce collaboration between myself, our captain Nate Storey, and the extravagant Paul Accomando, chief web designer and life-long friend. We wanted to provide a more philosophical theme to the design, as you can see with the marble facades and Corinthian column structures. We are happy to announce many new and exciting new attributes to the site as well, including audio clips, and in conjunction with GBurg TV, video clips of the goings on all about campus.

But now for the New Year, for 2008 has arrived, and already calamity has fallen upon Gettysburg College. First and foremost, the textbook buyback program is in full swing, with a slight twist. This year, not only will you get a very gracious 10% of what you originally paid for a grossly overpriced book, but now you will be compensated for your loyalty. Yes, it appears that not only should you put your head betwixt your legs and giving in to the very fair system that is the buyback program, but you will also be commended for you superior loyalty to the College. I’m not quite sure how this measure of loyalty came about, but I can rest easy knowing the college is fully prepared to stoop to any means necessary to take advantage of these highfalutin students. That should put them in their place!

I have received word too that there shall be a new bias policy enacted upon campus. I was unaware that the issue of racial intolerance needed to be addressed, as it has been a well-established culture in America for so very long. The quote, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it,” comes to mind.

The student budget was released, and the Forum is proud to display all of the wonderful money that you, the student, contribute through the immaculate student activity fee, and won’t be seeing. For example, did you know that the Jazz Appreciation society got $2,000 dollars for putting on an event that 1/20 th of the student body got to see? If that isn’t the equal reapportionment of a non-negotiable tariff, I don’t know what is.

But that is enough for to-day, for bitter wind has gotten a hold of my heart, and only the warmth of CAB can heal it. Long live the Forum.

Photo circa 1923.

Greetings all loyal Forum enthusiasts! I am currently writing, perhaps for the last time this year, from my summer château in New Jersey, and must I say I am delightedly bored. How this summer has passed so quickly! I am remiss to say that I was definitely not prepared to have a wickedly exacerbating seasonal occasion this year, as this has been the most fantastical summer to date. But it has been a summer of experience, a summer of love, and most importantly, a summer of headline news.

We start of course with the ongoing presidential election, which for some reason has already begun. How I relish in the fact that this will continue for another year, and that we may, in fact, be in for a surprise as to who will be our next commander in chief!!!

I, of course am jesting, as everyone knows it is impossible for a human without a Y chromosome to be victorious in… anything.

And who could forget our absolutely fantastic summer at the movies!!! What a treat it has been, as we were faced by not one, but three “thirds.” We started with the wickedly clever Spider-Man 3, which I was delighted to see the incorporation of the very popular new fashion style of many teenaged boys, emo I think they call it. I just love the short black hair and emotion that fills every young boy’s face. Followed shortly was the much-anticipated Pirates of the Caribbean, which too sent chills down my back while watching the handsomely suave J-Depp work his movie magic. And then Shrek the Third happened. What we can learn from this experience is that movies, in fact, do not have to actually be entertaining. On the contrary, a movie is solely based on its SequalStatus©. The producers of Fantastic Four, for example, did not receive word that their movie did poorly the first go around, but once they slapped on that number two and added a subtitle, the people flocked.

But enough of all that blather; on to the headlines!

We should start, as we start all news updates: sweaty, juicy, and barely legal. Paris Hilton was arrested for DUI. I for one am truly outraged at such a brash attempt at the judicial system, as she only served only 23 days in jail. Yes, woe are the times where we are letting this whoremonger continue to perpetuate and infiltrate our malleable society with such scandalous behavior. Ms. Hilton obviously should have received death by hanging, as was customary in the late 1930’s. How do you think Buster Keaton was dealt with after his lewd behavior with two women, neither of which were married to that abomination of a man?

Michael Vick was found guilty of something that I cannot even repeat. Apparently in today’s society, it is unspeakable to treat dogs as humans have been treating each other for hundreds of years. I suppose two beings fighting each other until one is obliterated while millions of onlookers place massive amounts of money on one to be victorious is illegal as well. And here I thought Rocky II was real!!! Forgive me if I am wrong, good readers, but if I hadn’t known any better, I would have assumed that they were dogs, that is, animals without souls. Now this will undoubtedly offend some people, seeing as for some reason it is easier for a man or woman to settle for something that can contribute nothing to the relationship rather than having friends, but let us look back and reflect on what really is at hand here. I am exuberated to see who the people actually want Vick to apologize to, seeing as they belonged to him. “Belonged” means that he owns them, like property.

Speaking of things being owned, our immaculate Senate got its rear end handed to it again as one of its senior members, Larry Craig of Idaho was found making gestures at a fellow in the other stall. Personally, I see no problem whatsoever in this, as I have often found myself playing a delightful game of footsie with my stall neighbor. However, the liberal media has once again twisted the facts to make Craig out to be a hideous lying homosexual monster. What an insult to call a United States Senator: gay. But hopefully it will all work out for the best, as Senators have never ever ever done anything wrong in the history of this world.

A bridge fell down, somewhere, but I cannot recall where.

Yes, it has been quite an eventful summer, with ups downs, and some valuable life lessons. A summary: Firstly, we have learned that movies are only visual parodies of moving images trying to put together a coherent plotline. Secondly, that whorish celebrities should be put to death, ideally by guillotine. Third, that dogs have just as many rights as actual people, except voting and having guns and free speech and running for president at 45. Lastly, we have learned that Senators are quite classy people.

Fair-thee-well loyal Forum enthusiasts! Let us reap the benefits of this barren wasteland fall campus before the Abominable Snowman — that is the Burgian — steals our warmth forever. Onward!

Greetings loyal Forum enthusiasts, as I finally have returned after 15 year expedition in the valleys of Tahiti and Isles of the Gulf searching for new and exotic conservative values (I must say I was quite successful). Upon my return, I am content to find that the Glorious Forum has remained unscathed by the pressures of the left, and that we continue to educate the very able minds of Gettysburg College. As you may know, I am Buford Gideon Ambrose, Publisher Emeritus to our Great Forum. Among other things, it is my responsibility to ensure the vitalization of the Forum, be it through economic stimulation, advertisement, or any means necessary… I am also given the distinct honor of my very own weekly column, which I may properly manifest my anger and frustration into tangible evidence that life is far from perfect. However with elbow grease, hope, and a few nuclear devices, we may be able to change that once and for all!

Before I begin my rant, allow me to familiarize you with the vessel of candor that is the Gettysburg Forum Staff. Captaining our ship, of course, is the ever-clever Nate Storey, our Editor-in-Chief. You may recognize Nate from such fantastic films as You, Me, and Dupree, Shanghai Noon, Shanghai Knights, and Wedding Crashers under his stage name, Owen Wilson. Also we have with us our enigmatic Managing Editor Marianna Fiorentine, a gypsy I hand-picked personally while in the Dominican Republic whilst attending the 50 th anniversary of America’s seizure of this precious island. And our Editors this year are of the finest quality, as I have bred them of only the paramount stock this great nation has to offer: Ann Coulter and Robert Bork. But enough of the crew, on to business.

For those returning collegiate students, welcome home, and I hope you have not forgotten all of the fantastic benefits that binge drinking and Greek life have to offer.

Please feel free to comment on the new and exciting changes the Campus has gone through, as Gettysburg has received her much needed Facelift. Ike’s has changed yet again, the current theme is Indian Cuisine, so be prepared for a year of curry!!! Also, as many of you have already heard, Stephen Ginter was unable to graduate due to lack of credits and any new exotic ideas for the Senate. Please feel free to make him feel welcome as he partakes in yet another Senior year and may we wish him many more wonderful Senior years in the time to come.

As for you innocent freshmen, let me be the first to say welcome to Hell. I kid, of course, as Gettysburg is not, in fact, the bowels of Hades, but rather…a purgatory of effects, one which the mass population of students can only be set free from with the Truth, which, coincidentally, can be found within this very Forum!!! I will not go into all of the magnificent features Gettysburg has to offer, as one of our staff writers will get you in the know of our ever-growing family. However, since I am given this space to write freely my thoughts and opinions, let me first say that not all the media on campus is credible. The Burgian, for example, is composed of the likes of humans you have never experienced before. The bastard child of “The New York Times” and “Oprah Magazine,” it harbors evil people like Leo Vaccaro wanting nothing more than to imbue your malleable minds with the filth of lies, slander, and libel. Do not look him directly into the eyes…

But do not woe, o ye faithful readers, for there are outlets of truth on campus. Obviously there is the Forum, with its vastly advanced writing staff as well as pristine Americans citizens (of course excluding Mariana Fiorentine, our distinguished Managing Editor). As well as this immaculate publication, our television station on campus here is of the finest quality, previewing a plethora of educational, exciting, and exotic programs which are sure to please. Channel 34, check it out.

Also, there a certain people on campus you should be sure to make the acquaintance of, as they are vital to the Gettysburg Campus community. First and foremost is La Marquis de Sade, a mysterious man who, when is your ally, you’ll find saving your life, but, when you’re enemy, ending it. Next is Marc Fialkoff, a chemistry/political science major filled with knowledge, and is quite a character! Also be sure to bow before the awing might of Alex Bigler the Lion-Hearted, a particularly vicious student here at Gettysburg, as she has single-handedly abolished democracy by usurping the presidential seat, and becoming Gettysburg’s first Dictator.

But enough of my shameful plugs and tasteless advertising, let the school year commence, and rest assured my beloved followers, this will be the Forum’s finest year, for Buford Gideon Ambrose has returned, and with him a League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, unlike the extremely unsuccessful 2004 hit movie starring Sean Connery.

I have just successfully ended an article with “Sean Connery.” Yes, it will indeed be an extraordinary year…

Well, here I am at last, finally being given the chance to vent my anger and frustration with the world into tangible, solid evidence that it is time, in fact, for a change. Last Saturday I attended a Holy day, one which was filled with merriment, love, passion, glee, and drunkenness. I am speaking, of course, about the wedding of a friend of mine (she’s older so don’t think I hang out with lowly 18/19 year old’s who have shotgun weddings). The wedding itself went flawlessly, the flowers looked extravagant, and the bride and groom evoked strong emanations of beauty. However as I was taken over by tears of joy streaming down my face, as I usually become at weddings, I could not help but notice that this particular ceremony did not give out tissues for which to wipe off the medals of emotion I proudly wore that day. Surely they do not expect us to remember our own tissues, for it would be absurd to have a bulky pocket full of soft cloth thereby making you look bloated and flabby. Besides being tissueless, the wedding was an overall success, except for the undeniable fact that it was held in Camden, New Jersey. For those of you not familiar with Camden, it was rated the No. 1 most dangerous city in America, three years in a row!!! For a second I was taken away from my dangerous surrounding by being engulfed in the sweet sounds of “Ave Maria” and the exchange of vows between the bride and groom. However I was quickly returned to reality once I had heard the whizzing police car, ambulance, and fire trucks. Also, we became slightly lost trying to find the reception. Weeee!!! During our adventure through the hallowed streets of Camden, we witnessed four cars piled on a lawn, five men drinking and throwing cans at us, and a foul smelling hobo asking for “Dollas o else.” Thankfully we were able to tailgate the limos from the wedding, although the driver had a few words to say to me about the illegality of tailgating!!!

The reception itself was like a fantastic night of sex, it started out great, but ended horribly, and way to soon. I entered the wine cellar, and marveled at the exquisite wine selection and hor’douerves! I have nothing bad to say concerning this part. The next part deeply troubled me. As I made my way to the reception room, I asked a fellow where to place the presents for the happy couple. He motioned my to a table, on which I placed my 3 ft. high brightly colored Spider-Man bag. After noticing several people walk by and look in disgust, I had realized that my hard work and thought going into such a magnificent present was being mocked, and even shunned. But that was not going to get me down; the food would do an excellent job.

My friend who was getting married, is a vegetarian. Therefore, she had made the extremely wise decision to offer only vegetarian meals to her guests. I made the executive decision to go for the portabella puntini, which, in retrospect, was the most horrible decision I would have ever made in my entire life, trumping even that of the time I attempted to make my little brother the first Italian in space by tying 85 balloons to his roughly 20 pound frame. There is no documented history of an expedition as horrific as the one which the portabella puntini took inside my intestinal tract. Not even the chocolate fountain, replete with bananas and cakes, could quell my stomach. After the food, it was time to dance, and that would be an adventure in itself.

Apparently, there is a set number of songs that must be played at EVERY SINGLE PARTY/RECEPTION/WEDDING/BAR MITZVAH/OCCASION. These include such classics as “We are Family, Brick House, Shout, The Twist, and every Motown song imaginable. Some of my readers are unaware of my dancing style, but those who know me realize that I require a very prompt and quick beat to fully demonstrate my rhythmic prowess. Dancing to, “It’s Raining Men,” did not fulfill this requirement. After asking the Live Band/DJ if he had any Cascada or DJ Assault, he just laughed at me and sent me on my way. This would not be our last encounter