The Bullet Hole: Underground Drug Den Revealed!

By Audra Foster

With the recent negative twist of events in the economy, businesses have had to turn to drastic measures to keep the customers coming in—particularly eating establishments. One spokesperson from Gettysburg College’s own Bullet Hole commented that “people would rather starve than buy at Bullet because they’re so afraid of running out of declining dollars, because they don’t have any real money.”

Without a regular flow of students eating at Bullet, the College was thinking about closing it down and forcing students to eat at Servo, despite the severe budget cuts that Servo has taken. If Bullet Hole were closed, the student workers would be out of a job, losing what might be their only source of income. “People are desperate for jobs,” one worker commented. “I’m just glad to have mine—and I’d do anything to make sure I didn’t lose it.”

But just as the college was about to close the gate on the Bullet Hole forever, there was a sudden upsurge in consumption of Bullet meals, so sudden, so violent, and so prosperous that the College didn’t dare close it down, for fear they might have lost what could have become as great a source of money as the tuition itself. It didn’t make sense why people suddenly wanted soup and sandwiches so much more, or why there were lines of paranoid, twitching people reaching nearly to Plank, or why the student workers at Bullet suddenly seemed to be sporting various accessories that could only be classified as ‘bling,’ and otherwise generally appearing much more polished and well-groomed than before.

And then the truth came out: the Bullet Hole had been lacing their food with different kinds of highly addictive and often destructive narcotics, ensuring their customers would come back for more. “At first,” one student said, “I just thought their sandwiches were really, really good. Like, maybe they had a new chef or something. And then I looked a little closer at the white powder on my roast beef melt and I realized, that’s not salt.” By then, however, it was too late. The students were hooked—so they rushed to the only source they could find. It wasn’t long before the Bullet Hole put out a new menu, circulated only among the students who knew what they wanted, featuring their new line of drugged fare:

Soup – Cocaine Noodle
Salad – Southweed Chicken
Entree – Pizza Bagels with “special” sauce
Sandwich – Egg* Salad (*the eggs in question were just large chunks of crack)
Soup – Cream of Marijuana
Salad – Orange Walnut Cokeberry
Entree – Smack and Cheese
Sandwich – Chicken Meth-o
Soup – Opium Chili
Salad – Tortilla Salad w/H dressing
Entree – Crystal Quesadillas
Sandwich – Pastrami & Dope

Of course, when you step up to the sandwich counter, you can still choose your own ingredients—one particularly jerky student, after nearly punching his sandwich clerk in the face with an uncontrollable spasm, was overheard to ask for a “turkey and—ahh—cheese and please oh please man can you put some crack on that please man just a little please just a little more oh my god just put the goddamned crack on there oh god PLEASE” sandwich.

The student patronage of Bullet Hole increased substantially after they implemented this new style of cooking. It has also helped to stabilize the extremely fragile economic state of Gettysburg College, with the money being brought in from Bullet being put towards things like buying gas for the lawnmowers, repaving the bricks on the library steps, and other extremely necessary and expensive repairs and maintenance around campus. But how will this rise in drug-dependent college students affect the College in the future? Only time will tell.