This Week in 90’s Nostalgia: Dunk-a-Roos

By Audra Foster

We know you missed this column, but we also know what you’ve missed even more—your all-time favorite after-school snack: Dunk-a-roos!

We know you remember what it was like to take the bus home from school, run in your front door, and see your favorite yummy graham crackers just waiting for you to dunk them in frosting.

But DID YOU KNOW? Those aren’t graham crackers you’re plunging headfirst into over-processed sugar—those are real kangaroos! Recently it has come to light that years ago a Keebler Elf went rogue and put together a machine that transformed live animals and people into deliciously shaped goodies! He didn’t tell anyone, of course, only continued to produce cookies, candies, and crackers in cute shapes at an alarming rate. Meanwhile, a type of red fish from Sweden went extinct completely, and we nearly lost the kangaroo entirely! When the big snack food corporations found it, they panicked—what if the public found out? No child would buy their products ever again! They’d become the target of animal rights activists everywhere! Not to mention the globally devastating consequences of what would happen if third-world countries ever got their hands on such a machine.

They managed to lock away the elf and his machine, covered up the entire affair…until now! It took quite a lot of digging to discover this heinous truth, and now that I have, I admit, I can’t look at a Dunk-a-roo the same way when I know so many innocent kangaroos were sacrificed to bring me this tasty treat.