Women Can Recycle Too!

By Audra Foster

The history of Suffrage—how women got the Vote, and Equal Rights, etc—is one that has of late been on my mind. I mean, women are American, so naturally we have to keep seeking the next horizon, the next obstacle in our path to world domination total equality with men. The environment is the next frontier. We conquered the government when we said we wanted to Vote, we conquered the transportation system when we said we didn’t want to stand up, we conquered family life when we started insisting on using birth control, and now we’re going to conquer the very earth itself through Ecofeminism! But really, I use ‘conquer’ only in a metaphorical sense.

Truthfully, I am also tired of being the one to clean up all the mess. Women clean up after dinner, after their husbands, after their children and pets and in-laws and quite often after their neighbors and those deplorable college students down the street. Men are never the ones cleaning up. Have you ever seen a man with a broom in his hand? I think not. But we’ve already fought the good fight on that one, and if you want a recap, go watch Jerry Springer. Ecofeminism is light-years ahead of that movement. Eco-Feminists seek to eliminate any messes they might have to clean up by implementing recycling and other environmental preservation techniques into every aspect of life that they can. Here’s a few examples:

- Nutri-Air. “A breath of Nutri-Air and you won’t feel hungry all day!” Completely organic food that is so condensed and pure that all you have to do is sit near it to absorb the nutrients, and then you have no waste to excrete. It means less diapers for women to change, less toilets for women to clean, and less money for women to spend on toilet paper when they do the shopping.

- Women’s Recycling Cans and Men’s Recycling Cans. Obviously we need them. As a matter of fact, why didn’t somebody think of this before?

- Reusable Sperm. “It just keeps coming, and coming, and coming!” In the interest of eliminating the waste of limited goods, reusable sperm would be ideal when a couple has one kid that they really like, that wasn’t too hard to take care of, and decide they want another just like it—which means less work for a woman, who, as we all know, is the primary caretaker of children—and they just reuse the sperm cloud from which the one successful one came, and, BAM, brand new kid just like the last one. If it seems similar to cloning…well, it worked for the Republic, didn’t it?

It looks like we’re headed to the new frontier with Ecofeminist sustainability leading the way. Remember kids, recycle, or your mom will do it for you, and then she’ll take over the world.