Porn Will Make You Gay!!! A Warning to the Campus from a Slightly Apathetic Editor

By Kyle Lawson

As a somewhat concerned editor, I felt I needed to bring to the attention of this campus, that pornography will turn male students gay. This stirring announcement was made by Michael Schwartz, the Chief of Staff for Oklahoma Senator Tom Coburn at the Values Voters Conference held this past week in Washington D.C. Mr. Schwartz, who by his own admission was “closely associated with pre-adolescent boys” claims that in order to prevent homosexuality among boys all parents must do is tell their sons that Playboy will turn them gay. He has observed that young boys are the most homophobic of any group, and that by telling them this, homosexuality can essentially be stamped out, at least in boys. Sorry ladies, but at the moment there is nothing to keep you safe from the infliction that is homosexuality.

What does this mean for Gettysburg College? Have the fraternities and independents been supporting their own inflictions that could one day lead to their homosexualization? Is there anything that can be done to prevent this? Indeed there can be, and so I am proposing a measure to be undertaken by all men on campus to in a great conflagration to rid this campus of what is truly the most dangerous addiction on campus: PORN!!! Let us send a message to those dastardly homosexuals trying to turn you gay and let us set light to the centerfolds and spreads of Playboy and Hustler! Let us all rejoice in brotherly love as we watch the subversive DVDs of Girls Gone Wild—and endless numbers of various sexual themes that themselves reach ridiculously high numbers that make you wonder how the heck do they keep finding people to do that and then you start wondering about the production values of the first one because you think it was made back in the like 1980′s only to discover it was really started in 1998 at which point you’re like “wtf, I didn’t even think there was that big of a market for it—melt into each other like cheese onto meat! Let us call for the abandoning and outlawing of all pornographic material from all campus dormitories!

So come! Join the editors and random contributors of the Forum as we cleanse this campus of such evils! Let us prevent the future demasculization of this campus and promote masculinism! Let anyone man who does not enjoy the sight of the vagina realize that their dark and insidious plot to make us all like Cher has come to an end! How’s October 2 at four pm out on Stine Lake for everyone? Girls if you want to keep making out, that’s up to you, and though you will be pressured you will not be forced, just saying it’s really hot, guys you will be beaten up on sight of emotion. Come on now we need to stop this.