Letter to the Editor: Go Greek or Go Home, Seriously.

By Gretchen Hansen

“Anonymous,” I am a sorority girl who has been “taught the importance of diction when expressing oneself verbally,” and I believe the unintelligible sound you hear is the echo of deafening BOO’s in your direction regarding your latest opinion piece: “A Grecian Tragedy: Mr. Fraternity.” I’d commend you on the clever title, but unfortunately my sorority status has rendered me too stupid and too drunk to comprehend intelligent humor. (I’m not sure, but isn’t that called sarcasm?) I can only hope it’s true that by attending Mr. Fraternity, you have been inspired to start drinking. If I learned anything of substance from your piece, it would be that perhaps you need large, highly alcoholic beverage to relax. I’d offer you a drink, but surprisingly, I don’t have any booze in my possession. I suppose the seventeen “flasks” I had hidden under my letter shirt to smuggle into the event were confiscated at the door. Along with my excessive amounts of alcohol, I’m guessing security also robbed me of my pearl earrings. That’s correct; I am a sorority girl without a drinking problem OR pearl earrings (or necklaces or bracelets.) I do, however, have blonde hair and breasts. I sincerely apologize if these features offend you, but it’s nothing a little duct tape and hair dye won’t fix. From your highly detailed review of Mr. Fraternity, I can only assume you were present for the entire duration of the event. Security was only supposed to commandeer alcohol, not sequester your right to free will. Instead of wallowing in your metal chair of disbelief for the entire show, you could have just as easily shown yourself out. But, as they say, every party has a pooper, and anonymous, that’s why we invited you. Perhaps you should enter Mr. Fraternity next year, and instead of swing dancing or lip syncing, your talent could be a demonstration on how to perpetuate negative stereotypes of Greek life! Instead of holding up my lighter to encourage you, I’ll simply use your gburgforum submission as a flaming torch. I called the local strip joint, and unfortunately, they are not looking to hire intelligent women who enjoy participating in harmless and fun dances to support a charitable cause. They are, however, interested in attracting a particular clientele: Young, disgruntled writers with too much free time who aren’t getting laid. (Oooh, sarcasm and subtlety from a blonde haired sorority girl. It must be a side effect of all the crystal meth I’ve been abusing!) I was particularly amused with your ability to read the minds of fraternity men, whom you assumed were thinking: “Way to fuck it up for every else you over-achieving prick” in response to the swing dancing talent of Mr. Phi Delt. Since you have mastered the “talent” of brushing your teeth, I’d suggest you wash the offensive language out of your mouth out with a bar of soap. I expected more than obscenities from you, anonymous, but I suppose the only thing particularly “cavernous” is your hollow vocabulary. So, who are the real winners of the competition? Is it Greek life, for trying to have an enjoyable time on a Friday night? Is it Chi-O, for raising thousands of dollars for the Make-A-Wish Foundation? Perhaps the real winner is you, anonymous, for proving that you belong to the elite group of “Everyone-in-the-world-who-leads-a-worthwhile-life.” Congratulations, you’ve won two free tickets to next year’s Mr. Fraternity. I hope you and your guest Debbie Downer have a fantastically miserable time.

Not so anonymously yours, Gretchen Hansen